"A dog needs a cat to chase, no matter how shiny his collar."
Tonight I watched The Descendants with George Clooney and it made me think of the movie Unfaithful. I thought about the perils of life with a wealthy man, then laughed at all of the women I know who have said they wanted to find one to marry! Women are always on the look out for a rich guy to marry, but rarely do they know what they'd be getting into if they found one. I think the problem with rich men is that they have great difficulty balancing family life and provision. There is a tendency to be so loyal to providing that they don't take the time to appreciate who they are providing for. The problem with the women they marry is that they don't understand their difficulty in doing so.
It's not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, to be married to a wealthy man. Chances are that he's been brow beaten most of his life by a man or men whom he respects regarding the importance of being a good provider for his family. He then becomes loyal to the idea of being able to give his wife and children whatever they want. The problem with that whole concept is that they are never taught the importance of being a good husband or father. "Good" to them means making lots of money so their families won't have to worry or want for anything. Consequently, they make lots of money, but are lousy husbands and fathers, and it takes tragedy or an act of God for them to see that. Since I'd never be able to make the men understand what I'm saying, I am going to do the wives/potential wives of rich men a favor. I'm going to teach you what it takes to be married to a wealthy man. Listed below are a few things you'll definitely need to know if you want to be--and stay--married to one:
1. Chances are, his social skills, if he has any at all, are going to be really poor. If he's self-made, he probably spent most of his life so focused on his craft or his talent, that while other guys his age were learning to interact appropriately with their peers, he was the loner who paid no attention. If he's a businessman who earned his riches through a product or service, while others his age were dating, he was at home in his room developing or inventing what earned him his keep. If he is an athlete, while others were looking for commitment or making families, he was perfecting his sport. If he's a musician, while his peers were out socializing, he was learning to do things with his music/instrument that set him a part from others who play what he plays. That's how he became rich; by being different from his peers and thinking differently. As a result of this, he's clueless about those things that are "common sense" to the rest of us.
2. Emotionally, he's a wreck. Not only does he have to deal with the regular testosterone based apathy, chances are he spent most of his time alone, locked in his room or in the basement, doing what made even his family think he was strange. If he didn't spend all of his time alone, he spent it with others who were just like him. By shutting himself off from the rest of the world, he was left to his own devices to find his way emotionally. That means that instead of dealing with his emotions, he buried himself deeper into his craft. The emotional immaturity that this produces alone is enough to keep a wife busy (or crazy) for a lifetime.
3. He doesn't know anything about family; he never spent much time with his. He may have even come from a family so dysfunctional that he buried himself in his craft to cope. Another possibility is that he was so loyal to his family/family business that he never had time to actually learn about family.
4. Money is very important to him; it defines who he is. If people know he's rich, he has reputation to uphold. People know him to be rich and he's got to keep up with what they think about him. If he's a spender when you meet him, don't expect the gifts that wooed you to keep coming after he feels like he's got you. He's already adding up the cost in his head, and he's not going to spend much more than he has to in order to get you. Remember, if he spends all of his money on you, his reputation will be at stake because, in his mind, he's going to go broke that way. If he's not a spender, well...don't expect him to become one after the nuptials.
5. His reputation is more important than you. Period.
6. If he gets you, he owns you. The expectation of you will be to follow his rules, compliment his lifestyle, put up with his sh**, and be happy that you have a rich man! In his mind, the fact that he has money should be enough for you, so shut up and be happy that he didn't choose one of the many other women who would love to be in your shoes! (Remember, that's his way of thinking, not me talking!)
7. If you try to talk to him about how you feel, he's not going to understand any of what you're talking about. In his mind, he's rich so the only thing you should feel is lucky to be with him.
8. If you try to get him to do something you want him to do, you're going to be sorely disappointed. Good luck with that because, more than likely, he doesn't even realize that you matter! For that matter, he doesn't realize that you want anything. After all, isn't being with him everything you need?
9. There's a double standard: he can spend his money, but you can't. No, what's his is NOT yours; it's his! He can spend his money any way he wants to, but you're going to have to give an account for every penny he thinks you may have spent! He can spend $80,000 on a rare coin that may be worth something one day, but if you spend a couple of hundred dollars on groceries, you'd better be ready to explain how food could be a justifiable expense!
10. These guys are quite strange! They have personalities all their own. Even though rich men share the commonalities listed above, they really do have their own unique and distinctive personalities. More common threads will be jealousy, possession, anxiety, anger management issues, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, antisocial characteristics, self-centered, selfish, and major control issues. They may also be narcissistic, arrogant, cocky, manipulative, stubborn, strong-willed, have a God complex, extremely frugal, dependent, enmeshed (with family or childhood friends), immaturity, insanity, paranoia, etc.
Do I say these things to make them look bad or to scare you off? Absolutely not! I say these things to help you, the wife or a potential, to understand what you're dealing with. Wealthy men are NOT like your everyday, average Joe Blow. If they were, they'd be as broke as everyone else! If you have a rich man, or if you're in the market for one, use these tools:
1. Stay true to yourself. If you're solid, you'll be the one he'll lean on for security. Chances are he doesn't trust anyone, so building trust in you is going to take a long time, and you're going to have to deal with a whole bunch of sh**. Once he trusts you, he'll give you his all, and by the end of the building period, you won't need that Xanax cocktail!
2. Allow him the latitude to be himself. If you change him, he won't be the person who made the riches. Then you may find yourself the principal breadwinner.
3. Don't sell your soul for riches. Just because his pockets are fat doesn't mean he should be allowed to mistreat you. If you wouldn't put up with it from a poor man, don't take it from a rich one. If you wouldn't deal with a broke womanizer, don't put up with the womanizing of a rich man. If you don't want a broke alcoholic, don't put up with a rich man's drinking. Don't put up with things that degrade you just because a man has money. If you wouldn't put up with it from a poor man, don't take it from a rich one. He'll never respect you anyway. A rich man is looking for that one who won't bark like a dog as she hops on one foot at his command. (You saw Coming To America, didn't you? How about Boomerang?) Don't sell your dignity because he's not going to pay for it anyway. He'll only see you as an idiot.
4. Get what you want out of your relationship. Go for what you want and get it! Be real and be passionate about it. However, I must put forth the following disclaimer: Go for anything but time. If you want a man who is going to spend a lot of time with you...well...you're on your own. You might want to start looking for someone who makes a lot less money. Sorry!
5. Be prepared to make your own mark in life. He doesn't have a lot of time to spend with you, so be prepared to live/work independently of him. As he's doing his thing, do yours! Do you. Work. Volunteer. Donate your time to charities or charitable organizations. Start your own foundation. Garden. Firefight. Do whatever nurtures your spirit so that being with him doesn't kill it.
6. Don't expect more from him than he's able to give. Look beyond his financial status and go deep into his character. Who is the guy? If he's not a family man, don't expect that to change by having his baby. If he's a loner whose guilty pleasure is watching T.V., don't expect him to forgo T.V. because you want to travel. If you sneak in some travel time by going on a business trip with him, guess what he's going to spend his downtime doing on that trip. I'll give you a hint: it's not going to be sightseeing, snorkeling or shopping with you!
7. Nagging him is not going to make the situation better for you. And he's not going to go to counseling with you, either. At least, not go and pay attention!
8. Don't compare him to anyone else you know. Unless you know a bunch of rich guys he could really be like, don't waste your time comparing him to who you want him to be. Accept him for who he is because not much is going to change. He may grow over the years, but he's not going to change mentally. If who he is is not what you want, find a different one. Don't try to change him. That's not your right.
9. Be true to your situation! Don't try to make it something it isn't. You don't owe anyone an explanation about it, so don't try to make your relationship the Walt Disney fairytale it will never be. Make your relationship work for you; it doesn't have to work for anyone else. Don't try to keep up with couples who aren't like you, and certainly don't try to keep up with others who you think are. Doesn't matter how many similarities you find in other couples, each and every one of us is different.
10. Keep your family and friends out of your relationship...and out of his checkbook and financial affairs!
Being married to a wealthy man can be a very lonely and difficult experience. It can be downright desolate at times, but it doesn't have to end in divorce, depletion, deprivation, death, affairs, separation, etc. It doesn't have to be bad, and it won't be if you maintain your sense of self and dignity. But if you don't have a clear sense of self, the relationship will end badly. Know you. Love you. Do you. But don't sell yourself to a man's riches. Be his partner and productive counterpart, and remember this: a dog always needs a cat to chase, regardless of how shiny his collar. Rich men are still men, and if you make yourself his puppy dog, he'll surely find himself a real cat to chase. It's the natural thing to do.
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