As The World Turns

"If the world is constantly turning, how is it that most of us are standing still?"


If you are a physics buff, you'll answer that question with an explanation of Newton's laws of gravity/motion, but it's not that kind of question.  If your life is moving forward, why aren't you?  How can you be ten years older than you were in 2002, and still be wearing the same hairstyle?  I can answer that one because I have been wearing a short cut since 1995!  I like my short haircut.  It's very becoming on me, and nobody rocks it like I do! :)  So it's not that kind of question, either.  Well, not exactly.  The real question is about your happiness; your growth.  If I were unhappy with my haircut, then there would be need for change; but I'm not unhappy with it at all.  In fact, I still love it!  But...if I were unhappy, I would have changed it a long time ago.  Going to the short haircut was what I did in honor of my new life after my divorce.  I changed who I had become because I needed to be someone different.  Now I'm happy.  Are you?

If you're not, something in your life needs to change.  Be careful not to fix what isn't broken, though.  Fix what isn't working for you.  Someone said to me the other day, "I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel."  My response was, "then stop looking at the ground!  Tunnels are underground; there is no light there.  Look up.  Find the sun.  See the light of day for the first time in years.  Do something you've never done before that won't hurt you or anybody else."  Because this was a female, I suggested, "buy a pair of eyelashes and put them on."  She thought I was nuts and vehemently refused to do that.  I told her, "you refuse because you've talked so harshly about the women who are wearing them, but guess what... Nobody cared when you were talking about them for wearing false eyelashes, so you don't have to care when others like the old you talk about you for doing the same.  Eyelashes are harmless fun."

And it's true.  No one having fun really cares when miserable people talk about them for doing what they enjoy.  Those people are called "haters", and they have their place in society.  People having fun enjoy haters.  After all, where would any of us be without them?  Better the hatED than the hatER, because they only hate the fact that they are not you!  Haters remind us that we're at the top, and besides, they rarely tell you about their criticisms; they only tell other people.  You don't even have to hear it.  The fact of the matter is that when you change, so will your social group.  The haters will stay haters and you will become a congratulator!  Then you'll look back at the old you and thank God for change!  You'll see just how UGLY misery really is.

Don't stand still while the world is turning.  As the world turns, days become nights and nights become days.  That means that time is passing.  If time is passing, you're getting older.  So wear that mini skirt or those skorts before the cellulite catches up with you, and please...if it's too late, wear some jeans!  If the cellulite has hit you, change your hairdo instead of your skirt length, or buy a different brand of make-up.  Stop wearing Jean Nate, Tatiana, Chloe, Red Door, Versace, or Channel No. 5, and try that Michael Kors Original Scent or the MK Gold!  (I purposely left out J'Adore because I still love that one!  Okay, so I'm biased.)  Splurge and buy that B. Makowski bag or that Bodhi.  OR...

...put down that Hermes; you probably can't afford it any more anyway!  Now just because you're buying it doesn't mean you can afford it!  You bought that Hermes knowing you're hoping your girlfriends don't ask you out or if they do, they will so graciously pick up the tab!  Go on and buy that Nine West so your daughter can go to summer camp with her friends this year!  Or better yet, put that Louis Vuitton down and pay your mortgage on time!

Seriously, if the world is turning, your life should be evolving.  It doesn't matter whether you're going up to the Louis V's or coming down to the Nine West.  Grow into the best person you can be at this time.  Lessen your stress by being your best.  Strengthen your ties by opening your eyes...and seeing what's right in front of you.  You only have one life to live, so live it to the fullest!

Sex: Your Drug of Choice?

"LADIES: If you want your strength in tact, don't let the spear pierce your armor.
 GENTS: If you want your strength in tact, don't pierce the armor before its time, tarnishing the head of your spear."


Strength is the result of standing down difficulty.  Weakness is what happens when you run away instead.  Typically when you run away from something, you've got to run to something, which only aids you in your weakness.    Anything used to aid you in weakness will have addictive properties.  Usually when we think of addiction, we think of drugs, alcohol, and occasionally gambling.  But indiscriminate sex is as addictive as any drug.  Like marijuana, it can cause psychological addiction and interfere with your mental processes, causing antisocial behavior.  If you're an addict, just the smell of it will get you going.  Like alcohol, it can build up tolerance, causing the user to consume more and more to get the previous effects.  It can quickly become the whole focus of your life, and before you know it, you're unable to quit--even when you think you can.  Like cocaine, it stimulates the brain to provide pleasurable feelings.  Done right, it can bring on mood fluctuations, panic attacks and even paranoia.  Like heroin, getting more of it becomes a daily goal, causing you to sacrifice family, friends, job, savings, and other important things in your life.  It can also bring on diseases like AIDS and hepatitis.  Kicking the habit may require professional intervention, and finally, like crack...it kills!

What all these addictive substances have in common is the user: a person who is running away from his/her reality.  Like all other drugs, when casual sex is used for this purpose, addictive behaviors spring up and an addict is born.  In tough times, people turn to very basic behaviors in order to soothe their pain or to get away from it.  Sex is a very basic act for most because it doesn't take rocket science to figure out what to do--at least not for most, so don't get defensive.  I know you might disagree with that last statement, and you're talking to the computer as if it were me, saying that I don't know what goes on in your bedroom.  Okay.  My bad.  If you're a little challenged, it may not be as simple as I'm making it seem.  For you, it can get a little complicated at times, but really, it's very simple:  Groove. Protrusion.

No, seriously.  Too many people turn to casual sex as they run away from their day, not ever considering the most dangerous of its consequences, because people are unaware of what those consequences are.  Sex is an exchange of spirit; whatever you go down with, you come up as. You sleep with someone, and before you know it, your issues will have multiplied without you ever seeing or knowing what happened.  (If a baby is born as a result of the union, the child will be a mixture of all of the issues involved.  We all have family members who act so much like one of his parents that you'd almost swear it was a reincarnation.  Some of us have our own "mini-me's", so you know what I'm talking about.  What's worse, most of us know a family member or two who looks and acts just like someone who is not the father.  Y'all know Little Joe looks just like Cousin Robbie or Big Joe's best friend, Sammy.  That's why Joe's wife is always, always, pointing out how much "he looks/acts just like his daddy".  (Pay attention to how many time she says that at the next family reunion!)  Not only does he look like the other dude, but he acts just like the guy's mama. That's because babies are results of spiritual DNA, too!  Ya'll know Pookie acts just like them Jacksons!)

If you're using indiscriminate sex as a means of running away, STOP.  It's not helping.  It's only making your situation worse.  Like any other drug, it will take you away for the moment, but it will weaken your mind, leaving you wanting more.  If your mind is weakened, you will not be able to effectively deal with whatever you're running from, and you won't want to as long as your drug is readily available.  If you're running from something, that "something" is going to be there when you eventually stop--worse than before, but still there.  So stop running.  Face whatever it is, deal with it, then have all the healthy sex you want!

To Hate is Natural

"People who judge don't matter, and people who matter don't judge."


Tonight I went to see Tyler Perry's new movie, Good Deeds.  I tried not to be biased toward the movie because I have a real affinity for Tyler.  Well,  I really liked it.  I believe this golden hearted man is trying to make a social difference with his work, and I can appreciate that.  Because I believe this, I went to his board to leave him a message.  OMG!  There was a video posted that ended on a good note, but started out terribly.  It began with a compilation of criticisms of the man from other people in his industry.  I was mortified at first, but then I was quickly reminded of the human condition.  That reminder became the focus of this blog.

All of us, at one time or another, have been concerned about how others view us.  Many will say that they don't care what others think of them, but that's truly a crock.  None of us like to be torn down or cruelly criticized.  It's always hurtful, because that's usually the intent.  There are many reasons why people will go to such lengths to make another feel like crap--most commonly hatred, envy and jealously.  The truth of the matter is that this is really the human condition.  It's natural for others to feel hatred or jealously when they feel outdone or beaten--even when the competition doesn't know they're the competition!  For Mr. Perry, most of his critics are, sadly, African American men around his age.  I remember watching a documentary a couple of years ago where Spike Lee ("coonery bafoonery."  What mature man says that?  PeeWee Herman?), Terence Howard, Malcolm Jamaal Warner, and others in his industry tried to crucify him for creating the and acting out the Madea character.  My immediate response was anger at them because I didn't understand why they had to be so incredibly harsh.  When I came out of the anger, I remembered that it's really natural for people to strike out at one whose physical description resembles theirs if their success doesn't.  It's hard not to be harsh when you've worked so hard, achieving only mediocre or moderate success in comparison to someone who, in your mind, hasn't worked as hard as you but can run rings around you with their achievements.  Keep in mind that the human heart is NATURALLY evil.  It takes a person to rise above basic humanness and transcend spiritually to avoid ending up in a place where you can actually celebrate your peer's success.  Without this transcendence, jealousy and envy will consume you.  (If you don't think so, imagine what you would call your next door neighbor after learning he/she won $100 million in the lottery.  Or imagine a peer being randomly given a major promotion/raise while you're struggling to make ends meet.  How about your best single girlfriend meeting Blair Underwood, Sean Connery, Boris Kojoe, George Clooney, Usher, Richard Gere, Laz Alonzo, Adam Rodriguez, some other hottie, or even Mr. Tyler Perry himself, and running off and getting married!  Or if you're a guy, Gabrielle Union, Jennifer Aniston, Nia Long, Vanessa Williams, Heather Locklear, Beverly Johnson, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lopez, Charlize Theron, or Oprah Winfrey.  Bet that green-eyed monster will rear it's ugly head before she'd be able to finish gloating about her new last name!

So what does it mean to transcend?  It means to grow up and mature from the inside.  It means to have an experience that will take you to the depths of the earth where you will drop off all that's superficial in your life and exchange them for things that are not so temporal.  There, you will learn what really matter in life, and trust and believe, it's not going to be shiny cars, big houses, nice clothes and pretty eyes!  You will learn that the things in life that matter are the things that help you and others to grow: love, peace, joy, goodness, patience, kindness, self-control, obedience to God, etc.  (That doesn't mean that you won't want nice shiny things; it just means they won't be as important to you!)

If you look in your mirror and don't like what you see, you will naturally dislike anyone who looks better.  If you are unhappy with yourself, you will not be able to truly be happy for anyone living larger than you, and you're straight up lying if you say you can, because that IS the human condition.  But don't fret; there is a solution.  Work on being happy with yourself and stay out of everyone else's lane until you get to your finish line. (That way you'll be able to cheer them on instead of trip them up!)  Identify the things about you that you'd like to change, then change them.  If you can't change them, find the good in them and accept them.  Be honest with yourself.  If you have a big nose, think of how cute you'd think you were if you didn't, and how no one would be able to stand the sight of your arrogant self!  Then appreciate the real humility/compassion you're able to show because you're not so caught up on your looks. Think of how without the muscular build of the guy you're hating on, you're more brains than brawn and can be a family man instead of an Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Think about how high you'd wear your skirts if your waistline were as small (and your belly as flat) as the woman you find yourself hating on, and how much you'd hate yourself the next morning when you realized you used that waistline for all the wrong reasons--and now he won't go home!  Think of all the money you'd waste on stupid stuff if you had the kind of job your friend has, making the kind of money he does, and how your humble salary affords the home that keeps your family together.  If you didn't get that college degree and had kids instead, think of what a lousy exec you would have made anyway and be a better mother/father to your children!  If you didn't get that promotion at work, think about the things you are able to do that the new hours would have kept you away from--and how much sleep you're getting.  When you look out at the skinny b**** across the street, remember she's hungry as hell; you're not!  What she wouldn't do for a real biscuit.  Sitting over there eating crackers and sh..., dying for a cheeseburger with extra pickles and extra sauce!  For everything bad, there's a flip side that's good.  You just have to stop wallowing in the bad and flip it over!

Bottom line:  If you hate yourself, you're going to naturally hate other people.  If you hate something about yourself, you're going to hate others who don't have that issue.  If you're not where you want to be in life, you're going to despise others who are there, unless you do something about it.  Grow up.  Put your big girl/boy drawls on and do what other grown folks do: move and shake some things around in your life and make something good happen for yourself.  Do you.  Stop sitting around hating yourself and others, and go out and get yours.  Truly, the only thing stopping you is you (and all those excuses you keep making).  Much to the chagrin of his haters, Mr. Perry got his, so go out and see his movie!  I think you'll really enjoy it--unless, of course, you're a hater!

What's My Name

"It's not what they call you, it's how you answer."


Okay, let's face it.  We live in a society where people use slurs and epithets even when joking.  So why are we so sensitive about them still?  It's not what they call you, it's how you answer.  If I heard someone say "Bitch",  I'm not going to go screaming into the night about it.  Why not? Because that's not my name!  I don't have to respond every time I hear that word--as if it were on my birth certificate or something!  I'm not going to whine or cry about it being degrading to women, either.  The truth of the matter is that when I get mad enough, whether I'm talking to a male or a female, that person is more than likely going to be called that.  Either to their face or behind their backs.  I use it so I can't act all butt hurt when I hear someone else using it.  We all name call to some degree or another.  Okay, so you're not the person to use that particular word, but you use some equivalent--not because it doesn't mean the same thing to you, but rather so you can say you don't use the "B" word.  It's the same thing!  It's not what you say; it's what you mean!  It's not what other people say; it's what it means to you.  So let's stop letting the vulgarity of other people mean more to us than it should.  The fact of the matter is that others can say whatever they want; they shouldn't be able to control you or your behavior with trigger words.  You should be beyond that.  The real control is in how you react to what's been said.  If you really want to tick the person off, smile.  Laugh at them.  Don't give them the control they want when they utter an ignorant sound.  If you remember that you do it, too, at times, it will help to take the sting out of those words that have negative connotations.

Learn from Kobe Bryant.  When he was fined for using a "gay slur", he took it like a man.  It was a common slur, not intended by him to mean "gay", but more a buzz word to tell the ref he was irritated with him.  The only thing on Kobe's mind was basketball--everybody knows that.  But what I truly like about how he handled the situation was that Kobe didn't let the media have their way with his life.  He used it, acknowledged it, then went back to the business of playing basketball.  For that, I admire the man.  Kobe handled his business and went on.  As a result, there were no breaks in his life because of it.  He knew he said it, the media and gay rights activists tried to run with it, but Kobe remained in control of the situation.  He didn't respond like they wanted him to.  He never meant it to hurt anyone gay and he didn't let them exploit him for saying it.  Big ups, Kobe.  He wasn't talking to or about anyone gay when he said it, so when the gay rights activists tried to answer to it, their remarks went unreturned.  Kobe didn't answer them because he wasn't talking to any one gay.

Females, when you hear the "B" word, only answer if you feel like that's your name.  Black folk, when you hear the "n" word, don't always respond like nig*** means black.  It doesn't.  It means trash, so let's stop claiming that word.  It isn't ours, so how about we finally give it back?

It's not what they call you, it's how you answer.  If someone is looking you dead in your face and calling out a name that's not yours, do you answer?  If not, stop answering to those other names that aren't yours unless you're looking for a little drama, and if you're just looking to be dramatic, then you get what you get!  Stop answering to names that don't belong to you!  You'll find that your stress level will lower tremendously and it will help you to clear future mental space.

What Were They Thinking?

"A man is exactly what he thinks."

Sometimes I look around me and wonder what the heck those who were responsible for shaping our society were thinking a couple of generations ago.  If a man is what he thinks, what were the lawmakers who came up with the ordinances and bills that govern our current society?  Every once in a while, life gets to be a bit ridiculous for me and I have to rant.  When that happens, I will add a "What Were They Thinking?" blog.  This is one of those times, so here goes:

Whose idea was it to take discipline out of the hands of parents? If that wasn't enough, these same people took God and paddling, along with just about every other kind of boundary out of the schools, leaving total discipline in the hands of the parents who don't have much more leverage than the teachers do?  Who is disciplining America's kids?  What were they thinking?  Belief in someone or something bigger than you is what keeps people in line.  These are the things that provide boundaries necessary for the proper growth of human beings--mentally as well as physically. Where boundaries exist, self-control is promoted and maturity is nurtured.  Without them, loss of self-control is inevitable (read The Lord of The Flies By William Golding).  Because children LACK the natural ability to control themselves, adults have been historically responsible for them.  Adults are responsible for introducing to children the societal rules of control that develop self-controlin the younger generation. Now that most of the control has been removed from all adults in nearly every situation, who is helping the children to know their boundaries?  Without boundaries, there can be no balance, so if you remove the necessary boundaries from the lives of children, the end result will be people--children and adults alike--who are imbalanced.  If you think this doesn't make sense, go to a mall and pay attention to the interactions between today's parents and their offspring.  You will see many exasperated parents with crying, screaming, out of control children because most parents lack good skills and, what's worse, are afraid to discipline--especially in public.  

If that doesn't do it for you, talk to your local pharmacist about the number of anti-anxiety, anti-depressant,  chemical balancing prescriptions they are filling each month.  You will find that there are more psychotropic medications ( those affecting the mind, emotions and behavior) being distributed now than ever before.  Proponents of medical maintenance will say that there are disorders in existence now that hadn't been discovered in the past.  As someone who worked in mental health professions for years, I can tell you that it's the lack of mental safeguards that should be instilled in children by their parents and caregivers (including teachers) at an early age, and that if parents aren't willing to set boundaries for their children, they will have to buy drugs that will.  

Imbalanced children just grow up to be imbalanced adults.  "No" in the life of a child is as important as "yes".  It provides balance.  Reprimand is as important as encouragement.  Punishment is as important as reward.  Without balance, it doesn't matter who you are, how much you make, what color your skin is, the affluence of your neighborhood, where you work or what you own, your children will pay a hefty spiritual, mental and/or emotional price!  ADD/ADHD--Attention Deficit (Hyperactivity) Disorder: who was not paying attention to their children's needs and how far down through the generations has this gone?  In every case, with a little investigation, it can be discovered that someone dropped the ball.  Spiritual/mental/emotional disturbance is what happens when a person's mind fragments or breaks down.  A person's mind fragments when he/she feels unsafe--fear and uncertainty are major culprits here.  When a person feels unsafe, he/she will reach for whatever he/she believes will bring security--real or make-believe; in the physical realm or the spirit realm.  In older children and adults, that security may come in a glass or prescription bottle.  It may come prescribed or sold on the streets.  For far too many, security comes when there is an escape from reality.

Before medicating yourself or your children, pay attention!  Set some boundaries.  The sooner the better.  If you don't feel you can, solicit help from someone you can trust--someone who has demonstrated know how in childrearing. 

I think the people who were instrumental in taking control out of the hands of the parents thought it was the right thing to do, but who were they?  What did they think?  Did the think the rest of us had nannies like they did?  Because whoever they were, they were obviously NOT raising their own children.  Now ours are messed up!  (yea, yea, I know there are people out their who have perfect children unaffected by our messed up society.  Find out what your children are doing when you're not around!  Even if your system of parenting is flawless, your children are being forced to grow up in a flawed society.  Not only that, they have genes and bloodlines that you don't know everything about!  ALL were born in sin and shaped in iniquity.  Don't be so smug, thinking that your kids are perfect.  There's no such thing. 

From Reflections to Dreams to Legacies

"If I could look at you and see my reflection, who would you want me to be?"


I have two questions for you.  Number one:  If you could choose your parents, who would they be?  Some of us would jump at the chance to pick different parents; others of us would not change a thing, but remember that YOU are a combination of the spirits of both parents.  That's like saying that you are a combination of your parents' personalities, so be careful  who you choose.  Also know that neither  parent will know anything about this, so you can be totally honest.  Why would you choose these two people?  Which of their traits would you want and why?  Your honesty with yourself in answering these questions will be relevant for your answer to the next one:  If your children could choose their parents, would they have you as a parent again?  (If you don't have children, would any child choose you for a parent?)   Think about the  legacy you want to leave for your children?

It's so important to take a look at who you are and what you want for your future BEFORE you make those major decisions that change your life.  For far too many of the things we end up doing in our lifetime, so many of us are unprepared--simply because we don't really know ourselves, nor do we think about major life changes before we make them.  The problem with that is that we don't often know how to handle those changes and we have absolutely no sense of where to even begin!  Then everything happens by trial and error--mostly ERROR!  For example, it's the norm nowadays to just end up as a baby mama or a baby daddy and then have to deal with parenting the child with no idea of what to do.  How many people do you know who really took the time to get to know the person he/she had children with or even married?  Of all those people, how many have lives you wouldn't mind living?  In other words, how many of them handled well the major life changes they made?

In a world where there is so much tragedy and travesty, you'd think people would take the time to do some investigating before they share their DNA, but that is not happening.  I'm not even sure people realize they can investigate before entering into a permanent situation with another human being.  So I'm here to tell you: PEOPLE, STOP SITTING AROUND WAITING TO BE SCOOPED UP BY ANY SEEMINGLY AVAILABLE PERSON WHO COMES ALONG!!  Investigate.  Investigate. Investigate.  Know who you're getting involved with.  And, for Heaven's sake, stop sharing your DNA with strangers!  Stop having children with folks all willy nilly!  Your child has to live with the fact that the DNA you chose for him might be defunct!  We need to get back to a place where children can be proud of their heritage.  In doing so, we'll end up back at a place where people will love themselves and have higher self esteem.  In doing that, we'll get back to a place where children can safely play outside.  With that happening, people will become more neighborly and be kinder to one another...

...there I go again, dreaming of that place that our ancestors dreamed of.  But I'm not going to stop.  I am a dreamer, and am proud of that fact.  Maybe if I persist, you'll start dreaming, too.  And if you dream, others around you will dream.  Before you know it, lots of people will be dreaming, and little by little, one by one, it will catch on like wild fire and spread from house to house, neighborhood to neighborhood, city to city, state to state, country to country.  I like dreaming because it's contagious.  It makes my children look at me and not be afraid to dream their own dreams...

Don't be afraid to dream, and when you do dream, dream big because dreams are what make reality happen.  Reality happens, then life flows smoothly...until people stop dreaming.  So, in order to make life great again, we need people to dream.  What's the matter?  Can't think of what to dream?  Dream of what you want your children to be proud of--even if they are now grown.  After all, that's what real legacies are made of.

You Are What You Dream

"If you dreamed a bad dream, sing a happy song.  Don't start your day defeated."


Today I woke up feeling defeated.  It was because I was dreaming that I had so many things to do that I couldn't possibly get it all done.  I awakened exasperated.  For a few minutes, I felt like I didn't have the strength or the energy to do what needed to be done.  Then I remembered that it was just a dream, but the ugly feeling didn't go completely away.  So before I thought about what my reality held, I began to sing,  "I-have-pos-i-tive-en-er-gy! I-have-po-si-tive energy!" It took a couple of choruses before I could even remember anything positive about my world, but I persisted.  I finally remembered something that had taken place about fifteen years ago.  (Yeah, it was an old positive but old was as good as any in that moment!)  Still it took a minute.  By the time I was fully awake, I was feeling a little down but not totally exasperated.  I held on to the memory from old and eventually went back to sleep since it was only four a.m.  When I awakened again around six, I still felt heavy.  By eight fifteen, I was feeling pretty flat with a bunch of negative memories and thoughts opportunistically waiting to pounce.  All I needed to do was think on one of them, but I refused.  Being prone to depression, I know what  happens when I relive a negative memory.  It will take me down instantly in a total TKO, and it will take me a few days to a few months to come out of it, so I avoid them at all costs.  Not feeling it, I fought like hell to hold on to the positive. My son had to work this morning and I had to drop him off, so I decided to get up and get busy, rather than wallowing in what was trying to get me down.  I got up and steamed his clothes for him (leave it to him, I'd wake up like this every morning--at least on the ones he has to work!).  I got myself together then dropped him off.  As I was exiting the freeway to get back home, Hezekiah Walker's Power Belongs To God" began to play on the iPod.  Tears began streaming down my face as I remembered how things got done in my life.  Not in my own strength, but in the power of the positive energy that's given to me every morning I get that new canvas to paint on (we talked about that in an earlier blog).The negativity began to lift as if someone were removing a body bandage from me.  Then it all began to make sense.

How often, if ever, do you analyze your dreams?  The dream state is an extension of your subconscious mind.  It's where your thoughts from each day play out.  If you have enough positive energy to get through them, you will wake up in a good place, possibly with the dream unnoticed.  If not, you will wake up feeling whatever emotion played out in the dream.  When we say, "I woke up on the wrong side of the bed", or "I woke up in a bad mood this morning", that really just means that your negative thoughts overtook the positive ones in your dream state.  In reality, you woke up with some emotion coloring your canvas.  If you don't take the time to recolor it, or ask for a new one, the dingy one you woke up with will taint the way you paint everything that happens in your day.

Pay attention to how you feel when you wake up each morning.  Take control of your day by deciding whether or not you want that kind of day.  If it's positive, go with it and enjoy!  Spread a little cheer to everyone around you.  Pay it forward.  If not, decide how you want to feel and do what you need to do to get that feeling.  If you can't carry a tune in a bucket, sing loudly in the shower.  Laugh at yourself.  (Of course, if the fact that you can't sing depresses you, do something else.  Please.)  If you have a favorite comedy on DVD, let it play while you prepare for your day.  Reach for a great memory.  Use pictures, music, or anything you have that will make you think of a time that made you laugh.  It doesn't matter what you do to end up in that good place, but it's got to start with you deciding what your day is going to be like and refusing to feel defeated, scared, worried, anxious, heavy, stupid, inept, burdensome, poor, needy, etc., for the rest of YOUR day.  The day belongs to you; do something memorable with it.  Live a little, laugh a lot, and make something happen in your day that will help you smile as you lie die for sleep tonight.

Your Beacon of Light

"From the darkness, I can see you, but you can't see me; there's not enough light."


Boy, oh boy, did I have a meltdown yesterday!  Geez Louise!  See, I'm one of those people who has to live in truth, integrity and intelligence, and I've seen enough dumb stuff in the last seven days to last me a lifetime!  I can't stand dumb stuff for too long, and one thing I've noticed is that desperation will cause people to go for what's dumb over that which is true, intelligent or integral.  Desperation will make you DUMB!  Before we go further, we must identify what "dumb stuff" is.  Dumb stuff is what happens when you knowingly settle for less and expect a good outcome.  It's the stuff you do when you know there's a better way, but you don't follow the path to it.  You know it's dumb because you feel in your heart that you could do better.   You know in your mind that you're doing something stupid, but you think that it will turn out okay if you work at it a little harder or that if you hide the dumb part from other people, no one will know you're being dumb.  NEWSFLASH: YOU WILL KNOW THAT YOUR ASS IS DOING SOMETHING STUPID!

It's settling in a domestically violent situation because you want to like the man or woman you're involved with.  Simply liking him/her is not reasonable enough grounds for you to stay,  A line from an Anita Baker song: "just because I love you (it) don't mean I won't disappear."  You may "love" him/ her, but you obviously hate yourself if you are willing to settle for being a punching bag.  And you know it's wrong because that's not the stuff you brag about when you're trying to make your relationship look better than it really is to other folks!  You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that getting your ass whooped is bad.  It's elementary.

Dumb stuff is what happens when you call in sick to work then go shopping or to a movie, and end up worried because you bumped into a coworker.  Dumb stuff is what happens when you eat seafood at an elegant affair, knowing you're allergic to shellfish.  Dumb stuff is what happens when you buy a pair of designer jeans you can't afford and then are left short on your rent.  Dumb stuff is what happens when you gamble your rent money away--period!  Dumb stuff is what happens when you get a little money and you spend it up flossing for others and then have to ask relatives for help you pay your monthly bills.  But wait...that's not the dumbest part of that.  The dumbest part is when you get mad at them for not helping you out in your emergency.  And you have the nerve to call them selfish!  Did you think about them when you were shopping?  Then why is it their responsibility to think about you when your dumb ass is sitting in the dark?  You knew all month lights weren't free!

Dumb stuff is when you even think others are just sitting around with money to give you to make YOUR ends meet.  You end up behind in everything each month and can never get ahead, but you've got a closet full of cheap clothes and shoes--or in dumber cases, expensive clothes and shoes-- that you knew your ass shouldn't have been buying in the first place.  And then you have the nerve to brag about it!  Don't you know that the folks you're bragging to are looking at how dumb you are for spending your money on dumb stuff?  Why do people think that just because they brag, others are going to believe they've got it going on?

Dumb stuff is what happens when all you have is five dollars in your Coach bag.  Dumb stuff is buying a pair of pink gators!  Ladies, never date a brother in a pair of red or pink shoes cuz he's so fly you're going to have to pay his bills!  Brothers, if you're wearing red, purple or pink gators, no one is going to take you seriously because you're wearing your rent or house payment on your feet!  So don't be mad when smart women start running from your fly ass.

Dumb stuff is spending all of your money on drugs, alcohol and/or cigarettes and expecting the person you call friend or family, who is doing okay financially, to care that you can't put food on your table this month.  Chances are, you couldn't put food on your table last month, either.  Your friends and family members do not work just to feed you!  That's what you need a job for!

Dumb stuff is anything you do just to get attention.  Folks, if you're over twelve years old, and you're whining about anything, you're dumb!  Suck that shit up and be about your business.  Nobody has time to sit around and listen to you whine about how much your life sucks because you do dumb stuff.  And, for Heaven's sake, don't expect the rest of us to feel sorry for you because we don't--and if you catch us at a time when we do, it's cuz we're doing something dumb, too!

Dumb stuff, hairdressers, is when you buy yourself a new car or go on vacation then double your regular prices on your regular customers when you get back to the shop.  That's when we start doing our own hair or start looking for someone who's not so ******* dumb to do it in your place!  You're a hairdresser; you are expendable!  A good hairdresser can be found on any corner--and if you live in the right hood--in her kitchen!  You lose, idiot!  It's business.

What's dumber is when you, the one getting your hair done, continue to let a chump like that do your hair and punk you in that way!  Take your business elsewhere!

I could rant all day about what's dumb, but I'm sure you all have a lot of  "what's dumbs" to add to this list!  But I've got to move on...

My mother used to always say, "Truth is the light."  She was partially right.  Integrity is the light.  Truth is the power that fuels it.  Just call this blog your beacon of light.  Don't come here unless you want to hear truth, intelligence or integrity--regardless of how it's stated.  Sometimes, truth has to be given raw--with no vaseline--because people are always looking for a way to slide right past it.  If you're not strong enough to hear it unwatered down, don't come here.  When I start watering down for folks--when I start dummying it down--I end up melting down as well.  And that's a dumb assed thing for me to do.

Integrity is light, and those looking to deceive you can see from the darkness that you don't have any.  They haven't had light in so long--if they've ever had it--that their eyes actually see better when it's dark.  They see that you don't have enough light to see what they are trying to do to you.  When they plot evil, they are looking for prey--some dumb one easy to catch in their snare.  A person willing to settle for dumb stuff is easy prey because they don't ever look past what is directly in front of them.  The darkness knows you're dumb.  It knows your desperation will lead you to settle for anything.  If you don't stand for something, which is what integral people do, you'll fall for anything.  They can see you from the darkness, and know all they need to know about doing whatever they want to you because they know you're not integral enough to call them on their stuff.  What's worse?  They know your desperation will cause you to reject the truth--even if someone who cares for you exposes it--leaving you without the power necessary to do anything about your situation.  Intelligence gives you the roadmap to steer clear of all the dumb stuff that makes up the darkness.  If you want to be dumb, you can be, but beware; you will not be able to hide from anything that lurks in the darkness.  Not only can dumbness be seen in the darkness.  It breeds there.

007 YOU

"I stand before you wishing you could see me, but you can't.  The things about me I wish didn't matter to you are the things you talk about all day long.  But I'll take it; if it weren't for them, you wouldn't notice me at all."


How well do the people closest to you really know you?  How well do you know the people closest to you?  Probably not well at all if you've known them for a while.  Because life is moving so fast for most of us, we don't take the time to interest ourselves in the things about each other that really matter.  Like character.  Ask about someone and you're more likely to get a physical description, a make and model of the car he/she drives, his/her financial situation, his love life, successes and failures, and, depending on where you live, his/her family history, where his mama works, who his people are, who her man was, every surgery he had and the ones he should have had, what he eats and why he shouldn't eat those things and what his doctor told him. Ya'll know what I'm talking about!  But when something happens that the gossip mill didn't run--good or bad, everyone is shocked.  Or seems to be.  Why?  Because in our quest to be in the know about everyone else, we look for all the wrong things.  When we get to know a person, we tend to look for all the stuff that we think is going to matter to someone else.  (Ya'll know I've got some Southern roots!  I'm telling on myself!)

So I have to ask you this question:  If the person closest to you is reaching out and wants you to know something deep about him/her, would he be able to tell you?  Is your mate trying to tell you something that you don't want to hear?  Maybe he wants to quit his job and doesn't care about the economy or that he makes a sizable salary. (Ooh, I know some necks are rolling on that one!)  Maybe there's something burning on the inside of your wife that she's been wanting to tell you for a long time, but can't because the reputation you've built for her with your family and friends won't support it.  Maybe there's something eating you up inside that you want to get off your chest, but there's no one you can tell.  What do you do in that situation?  Maybe that one confession or that bit of information that makes you happy will change your entire life for the better if you just tell it.  But, unfortunately, most of us will hold it in.  Few of us take the risk and find somewhere to release it.  All of us who hold it in will end up with minds so fragmented that we'll feel we're leading a double life, and it's because we are.  At least until we let go of it and begin to live out our truth.

Now get your mind out of the gutter.  This thing doesn't have to be negative, and most of the time it isn't.  If you have a foot fetish, you like to eat green eggs and ham, or you secretly desire to wear your wife's lingerie, you might want to hold that in and get professional help.  That's not information you want flying around!  If you're gay, you really need to tell that!  That's not information you need to be holding in because most of us know that about you anyway.  The only one you're lying to is yourself.  I'm not talking about stuff like that.  I"m talking about healthy stuff like interests and hobbies, fantasies and dreams, new discoveries, risks you'd like to take, etc.  I'm talking about the things that take you to the next level like ideas you'd like to explore that Ray-Ray and Jim Bob might think are crazy.  Joquakatima and Bonequeshia don't understand these things because they are beyond their scope.  (I think Tyler Perry's new movie, Good Deeds, is going to be about this, so go and see it.)  So many of us are held back because we don't take the time to be who we are for fear of being left alone by those who need us to be who they've made us.  Oh, you need to read that line again!  I'm going to pause while you take the time to do that, ...

...

...

...okay.  Did you get that?  How many of us are not true to ourselves because our parents, mates, relatives and friends, church members, neighbors and other folks have made us something that works for them, and we feel we can't let them down by changing or growing, and no longer meeting their expectations?  Who's man are you?  Who's woman are you?  Who do you belong to?  If you could be what you truly desire, what changes would have to be made in your life?

Inevitable changes include your current support group.  Your friends and family may not be amenable to the change.  It may be too much for them.  I remember leaving my job with the school district to pursue a writing career.  My family about flipped and the rumor mill started going--fast.  But what they couldn't hear was that I wasn't happy doing what I was doing anymore.  On my job, I felt like a lion in a canary cage and it was eating me up inside.  My boss was an absolute idiot to me and I resented having to work for her.  I began to withdraw and the depression started setting in.  On the weekends when my ex would pick up the kids, I'd go home on Friday afternoons, climb in bed and stay there until Sunday, getting up only to eat and to use the bathroom when I absolutely had to.  I'd really like to put "shower" in there, too, but I have to honestly admit that on some weekends, the butt didn't get washed until it was time to pick up the kids!  That's what depression will do to you.  I fought depression because I was someone else's woman; not my own.  I knew inside that I was capable of doing and being much more than what was acceptable to those closest to me.  My mom was comfortable with me working for the school district.  It was a good job that paid well, and it made her feel like she'd done a good job of raising me.  Bless her heart, she never really knew me.  She knew who she wanted me to be.  Just before she passed, I was able to show her the official cover of my first book, as well as the galley.  I had been showing her written manuscripts for years, but she couldn't get past the fact that I had left the safety and security of a job she could understand.  Her eyes lit up when she saw the official copy of the cover, but she passed two months before the book went into print.

If I had stayed where she wanted me to be, I'd be still working in a position that I wanted to get out of ten years ago.  I can't imagine how messed up I would be inside if I had stayed there another decade.  I took the risk and never looked back, but it wasn't easy.  To the chagrin and shame of my family (and all of the chuckles, mockery and ridicule), I did the unthinkable.  No one understood it but me, but I was 100% sure that I needed to do what I did.  If my mother were alive today, she'd be proud, but our relationship would be strained.  I don't think I would have ever gotten over the fact that my dreams were not supported by her in the way I thought they should have been.  But I had to forgive her that debt because I realize that my dream made sense to me, not her, and I can't charge her for that.  It wasn't that she didn't support my dreams; it was that she couldn't!  What I wanted to do made no sense to her.  From education to entertainment is a big jump; one that wouldn't make sense to many! Know that the bigger the dream, the crazier it's going to look to those around you.  Yes, it was crazy, but if I hadn't been true to myself, then woke up and realized I'd wasted ten precious years, I would be crazy!  I would be mad at the world because I would know inside what I knew years before--that there was something greater out there for me.  But even then, I wouldn't have been able to charge that to my mother or anyone else for that matter!  My dreams were MY responsibility; not hers or anyone else's.

I'm glad I don't have to lead a double life anymore.  I'm free to be me.  Yes, my social circle and support system changed drastically, but I could have never been the lioness I am now by holding on to the people who were more comfortable with me in the canary cage.  Hear me roar!!!(That's my way of saying...well...maybe I shouldn't...dah, well..."How ya like me now?")

Get rid of your cover.  Take the risk.  Be bigger than what they understand you to be.  It is only then that you will be able to be your own person, living a full life and finding what ALL others are searching for...L-OV-E, J-O-Y, P-E-A-C-E, M-O-R-E L-O-V-E, H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S, etc.

Sometimes We Need To Let Go

"Death is the mind being released from the body."


Death is not something most of us want to talk about.  I think it's because not many of us truly understand what it is.  Long story short: life is energy, so you can't kill it.  So where does it go once the body expires?  Regardless of your religious experience or understanding, the energy of the body begins in the mind and ends in the spirit. Once you are totally free of the physical body, the mind moves on to the next level.  The goal is for us to transcend from human to spirit beings.  That's the only way you'll be able to survive the spirit realm.  When you're totally free of--mentally detached from-- the natural realm, your spirit moves into a place of rest until He calls you up.  Even if you're religious.  I know that 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 tells us that those who are sleeping in their graves will be taken up before those of us who are alive and still on earth, but you have to understand what "sleeping" is.  Sleep is what happens for those who have totally and completely fulfilled their work in this realm.  They enter into a place of rest because our work ends in the conversion from mind to spirit (transcendence), which means that you understand the things of God(things discerned by the Holy Spirit) and are, therefore, no longer holding on to the things that make sense here on earth (human logic).  I don't want to get too deep into a metaphysical lesson on this right now, but for those of you who want more understanding, read Hebrews 4:1-11, paying close attention to verse 10.  Also read 1 Corinthians 1:18-29 for more info on the difference between human logic and spiritual wisdom.

When the physical body expires, the mind, in whatever form it's in, is set free from it.  Think of the mindset of someone you love or loved who is/was suffering.  In suffering, the pain effects the mind more than the body.  Pain is the brain's way of letting the body know that something is wrong.  It's hard for us to let go when someone we know is dying, but remember this: the mind of the person suffering is not going to be the same.  It is changing.  The person you want to hold on to will not be the same person coming out of this as he/she was going into it--regardless of the outcome.   The pain, the anguish, the fear, the stress, the disease, etc., is causing your loved one to become someone different.  In that moment, depending on the situation, he/she has to decide whether or not they want to go on in that state.  For many of our loved ones, the answer is a resounding "no".  We don't understand it because we are not experiencing, mentally, emotionally or physically, what our loved one is truly feeling.  As tragic as it seems, when it comes to situations like this, most of us are selfish.  We want the loved one to stay here because it will be better for us!  We don't want to miss him/her; we can't imagine life without him/her.  But ask yourself this: How much do you want him/her to suffer for your happiness?  Then ask yourself if you will really be happy with your loved one in an altered capacity.

For many, the thought of being in a diminished state is way too much.  For the elderly, for example, the idea of living with dementia and being a "burden" to their loved ones is not very appealing.  I have to share a personal story here.  My mother knew her mental capacity was lessening after she'd had a stroke, heart surgery and complications thereof.  Toward the end, as she would attempt to tell us something, she had begun repeating her sentences as if some part of her brain was a scratched recording.  She wouldn't always remember that she'd said the same thing again and again in the same conversation, but when she would realize it (usually by the look on our faces or the silence over the phone), the embarrassment she felt would consume her.  You see, after her first major stroke, she boasted often of having had her mind in tact.  She bragged happily about having known all of her children's and grandchildren's birthdays, and the miracle of having been able to recite them from her hospital bed immediately upon regaining consciousness. That's what made her feel whole, because the stroke left her unable to use one of her hands properly and her capacity to walk had been limited.  "As long as I have my mind, I'm fine," she'd say.

 In 1978, on exactly the same day and month of the year, her mother died in a local hospital, due to what she always believed was the incompetence of the hospital personnel.  From that day forward, she swore she would never be treated in that particular hospital for anything.  Well, after having lived in the house with her for four years after her health declined, I took a vacation out of state.  I called and talked to her two days before I got back to let her know that I was on my way (it was a two day drive).  I learned the next day that she had been taken to the hospital, but I wasn't stressed because I was half way to her home.  One hour after I crossed the home state line, I learned that she'd passed!  I was shocked, but not as shocked as I was when I heard she'd had my dad drive her to the local hospital she swore to never be seen at.  Two hours from my destination, I knew I had to see her for myself.  I drove straight in to the hospital.  When I saw her lifeless body, the look on her face confirmed what I already knew.  When I got to her house and looked at her pill boxes, I was that much more convinced. She was done.  She didn't want to live with diminished mental capacity, and I can't say that I blame her.  Her mind was all she felt she had left, and she didn't want to lose it.  Now, I'm not saying she killed herself.  I'm merely saying she decided not to prolong the inevitable.  She got tired of taking all of the medications (up to 14 pills a day) which were barely sustaining her.  She had diabetes, which had progressed from her having to take three to four small pills a day to her requiring insulin injections.  Her blood pressure was amazingly high and after the stroke, every time she was hospitalized, it was mainly to get it under control.  Her doctor kept trying different combinations of drugs/dosages that weren't really doing the trick.  In the doctor's frustration one day, she pulled me aside and nastily told me that it didn't matter what she prescribed or what she did, it was only a matter of time because my mom was "going to die anyway" (yea, it was cold, but it was the truth).  My mother knew that, but she had to be mentally ready to go.  And when she was, she did.  She stubbornly fought that doctor tooth and nail until she realized her mind was going; then, it was a wrap.  She wasn't going to fight that one.  She had always had a thing about us being in control of our own minds.  That was how she steered me clear of drugs and alcohol.  She said, "you don't want anyone else to have to tell you what you did the night before".  Worked for me.  She was bullheaded and was never going to let anyone influence her decisions about anything.  Her greatest asset was her psychological strength.  (It was also a problematic in other areas, but that's a different blog!)

Her mind needed to be released from that body because it was cracking under the pressure.  She needed to go in order to be remembered for who she was; not who she was becoming.  Sometimes you have to let go because, whether you realize it or not, it's best for everyone involved--especially the one suffering.  It's easy for you to want your loved one to hold on, but is that what you'd do if given the choice?  Don't worry; God is not going to let any of us go before we need to.  If He wants you to stay, you won't even think to let go, and believe it or not, He will, in some cases, give you the choice (2 Kings 20:1-19).  But that's between the one who is sick and Him; loved ones have no say in it.

Take the time today to understand beyond your selfish desire for a loved one who has passed or is passing to stay and suffer.  Usually, it's really not about YOU.  Give your loved one permission to do what he and God both know is best for them.  Instead of holding on, honor the choice.  No one wants to die a slow, grueling, painful death.  Put yourself in their shoes.  It will make the passing less stressful for you and for them.  Let them rest.  They may need it more than you think.

Learn To Be Quiet

"Shhh....Quiet is calm.  Calm is peace.  Peace is rest, and rest is preparation for the next day."


I had a really interesting experience last night that I want to tell you about, but before I get into it, I need to give you a little background so you'll understand today's blog.  My significant other and I have a very deep, very spiritual connection.  I can truthfully tell you what it's like for two to become one flesh.  If you could see us together, he would appear to be the calm one and the assumption would be that I'm the wild child.  But if you took a closer look, you'd see that I'm really the one who's chill.  He's very quiet because he holds all of his emotion in.  I, on the other hand, am quite expressive and energetic.  I'm usually calm--unless, of course, something pisses me off. Then its lights out!  Well, yesterday was the best Valentine's Day I've ever had.  It felt more like Christmas, because I got up and bought and delivered nice little gifts for my loved ones.  Much to his chagrin, we didn't see each other and he wasn't happy about that.  As I lied down to sleep that night, I was reflecting on my day while trying to calm his nerves through phone calls.  He works in an industry that keeps him extremely busy, and he works the night shift.  I'm usually awake until he's done, at home and ready to go to sleep, but last night, I feel asleep early.  At the time he was finally able lie down, I was awakened by my doorbell ringing.  As I attempted to go back to sleep, I began to feel my significant other attempting to quiet his mind in order to go to sleep.  OMG!  I felt like I was in the middle of Madison Ave.  It just felt like the noise of New York traffic!  I could hear Adele singing, "we could have had it a-ah-all; rolling in the dee-ee-eep" over and over in my head.  I couldn't shut it off.  I kept seeing her face as she nailed that song on the Grammy Award Show.  Great song, but right now, I wish I'd never heard it!  The hook is so contagious that it plays in your head over and over like a broken record. I couldn't make out everything he was thinking; all I knew was that the thoughts of his workday had NOT been laid to rest!  It was crazy!  I finally dozed off, but after about an hour, I was back in the middle of Madison Avenue again.  It was as if the noise of the traffic had jerked me out of my sleep!  I tossed and turned for about 30 minutes before dozing off again.  After about another hour, the traffic began to blare again.  I couldn't turn it off because the thoughts were not mine.  I watched the dawn approach the day as I kept looking at the clock each time I was awakened.  The experience began at 2:09 a.m. and the last time I looked at the clock, it was 6:40.  Finally, at about 7:30, a friend of mine rang the doorbell, getting me out of bed for the day. I was amazed at what we'd gone through.  I knew yesterday was going to be an extraordinarily busy workday for him, but I was surprised it effected me in the way that it did.  Apparently, he was trying to end his day with positive thoughts of me, but hadn't taken the time to, or was incapable of shutting down his thoughts from his workday first, causing the thoughts to intertwine.  Because my mind was still, when he focused on me, his thoughts entered into my head.  The end result was that his thoughts infused with mine and neither of us got any sleep.

So that leads me to the blog question of the day: Do you take the time to quiet your mind at the end of each day or do you allow the concerns of today to begin your tomorrow?  For all of us, every morning starts out as if a blank canvas has been given to us to paint our day on.  At the end of each day, we have to put that canvas away.   If not, we won't get a new one, which leaves us to paint over or around what we painted the day(s) before.  If you don't quiet your thoughts at night, your thoughts for the next day will be a continuance of the day before, and that will happen until you put your canvas away.  Eventually, the canvas is going to become too full for you to be able to see anything clearly.  Your pictures are going to start running into each other and you will no longer be able to see where one ends and another begins.  In the mind, this is called confusion.  We we become confused, we lose sight of what we did and what we need to do.  Then we become frustrated.  The frustration turns to stress and the rest is history.

Although you may not be able to control what happens in your life each day, you can control how much of it you allow into your mind.  You only have so much mental space, so use it wisely.  Take the time each day to get rid of old unnecessary memories, worries, stresses, stressors, etc.  This can be done by simply letting go of mental things you've been holding onto for years. (Learn to forgive the girl who stepped on your toe.  Good grief.  You were in third grade when that happened!  She probably doesn't even remember it--or you-- anyway!)

Another thing you can do is watch what you add to your mental plate each day.  If a person you know doesn't make the decision you think he should, that's his business; not yours.  He has to deal with that.  You don't need to add what happened to him or what you think is going to happen to him to your plate.  If someone you know is in a relationship that 's no good for him/her in your mind, leave them to make the decisions about how they want to live their lives.  In other words, you have too much on your own plate to be in other folk's business!  Now, I'm not suggesting you be apathetic and not care about what happens around you.  I'm just saying if an issue that you know of is not yours and is not contributing to the degradation of society or harming innocent folks, mind your own business.  Chances are you've got enough stuff of your own to work through!  If you work on your own issues each day, your canvas will be blank every morning, allowing your mind to refresh and be able to deal with what each next day has in store for you. So today, before you start running anyone else's business, handle your own.  It will make for a much quieter, calmer, more peaceful night's rest.  Even if you have a mate like mine.  I can't imagine what the night would have been had my mind been busy also.  Though the experience didn't bring me much sleep, it did bring a message for you.  Not all was lost because I think you're worth it.

Heart Smarts

"Negative emotions are what block spiritual arteries and cause cardiac arrest."


I like this quote!  This is a good one, but you really have to take the time to understand what it means.  First, let's look at what "cardiac arrest" is.  Cardiac arrest is what happens when the hearts electrical system malfunctions, causing the heart to stop.  That is different from heart attack, which is death of heart muscle tissue caused by loss of blood flow to the heart.  Heart attack doesn't necessarily mean death; cardiac arrest does.

Now, let's look at what the spirit has to do with the heart.  Although we say "heart" when we talk about emotional matters, the heart is actually a muscle and is not the center of emotion; the spirit is.  "This warms my heart" or "my heart is broken" are really ways of saying, "my spirit is affected by what just happened to me."  If someone dies of a broken heart, it's because something caused them to lose positive spiritual energy; something caused him/her to not want to live on.

So why use the two in the same quote if they are not the same thing? For reference and clarification.  Though not the same, they are very close.  Defunct emotions can cause electrical malfunction in the heart because of the electrical, or chemical, connection between the two.  To keep this from becoming a full fledged physiology lesson, let's just understand that emotions are responses to chemicals firing off in the brain which can also cause physical responses in the body.  Chemicals like dopamine, epinephrine, norepinephrine,  and serotonin are major players in this equation.  When something happens to you, your mind reacts, and a physical reaction follows.  For example, anyone out there ever experience sudden fright and then feel the need to run to the bathroom?  How about sleep after depression?  The heart beating faster than normal when you're surprised?  It's all electrical, which brings us back to our topic for the day.  Alongside the physical responses are spiritual ones that are all electrical because spirit is energy; you can't touch it.  When the energy is negative, it causes a heaviness on your spirit that, if not properly treated, will result in spiritual heart attacks.  Simply stated, it causes part of your spirit to die.  Too many heart attacks will cause full cardiac arrest.  Simply stated, it will cause death of your spirit, more commonly known as heartlessness.

In times such as these we live in, far too many of us, after having been hurt so much, feel that if we shut down our hearts, we can't be hurt any more.  Well, hurting people hurt other people, so if you've shut down your heart, you're doing to others what you're trying to keep them from doing to you!  Is that really a solid way of dealing with your pain?  To inflict it on someone else?  Instead of being hurt, you become a monster or a machine?  Here's a solution: How about you deal with YOUR pain and remove yourself from the situation that's causing it instead of taking others down with you?  Two questions arise out of that solution:  How do I deal with my pain and what if I can't remove myself from the situation?

Dealing with your pain requires facing it, knowing and understanding the truth about it, and making the decision to eventually release yourself from it.  Don't lie to yourself about the source, the cause or the reality of the pain;  that just makes it worse.  If the source of the pain is someone you love, look at the character of that person, not his/her role in your life.  If your mate is an alcoholic who always insults and puts you down, look at the fact that that behavior is typical of an alcoholic--especially a chronic one.  Don't excuse the behavior because it's your mate and you don't want to lose your relationship; that's the perfect augur for codependency and a definite path of self destruction.  In this situation, facing the truth about it will allow you to see clearly.  You will be able to understand why he/she does what he/she does and release yourself from being responsible for his/her actions. You will also be able to s ee that he/she drinks or acts out because of his/her own pain, not because of you, and that hurting people hurt other people.

If you've lost a loved one to death, how do you deal with that pain?  Accept loss as a part of life.  None of us want to lose those we love, especially if they are a backbone for us, but we don't decide who goes when.  If it was time for that person to go, let them go.  If you feel that they were gone too soon, know and accept that there is no such thing.  Everyone, including you, has an appointed time of death.  If you weren't ready for that person to go, start your healing by understanding that his/her death wasn't about you.  Memorialize the person by remembering what you loved about him.  Get past the actual death so that you can remember the person.  For example, if you continue to focus on the death, you won't have the energy to remember or celebrate his life (that's why memorials are better than funerals).  If his life was hard or unfair in your eyes, remember what made him so wonderful to you.  Maybe those were his best moments.  Would you want your loved ones remembering what was bad for you or the good about you?  Death is never an easy one, but it doesn't have to be as hard as some people make it.  It is a natural part of life and you MUST go on.  If not, the depression in your spirit will cause your brain to fire off neurotransmitters that will cause your body functions to depress or slow way down.  This causes you to drag and before you know it, you will not be able to muster up any positive energy at all.  You will essentially die with your loved one.  Before long, others around you will get tired of dragging with you or always having to tiptoe around your depression and eventually stop coming around.  That's the brokenness of spirit that results in cardiac arrest.  Grieve as you need to, but don't kill your spirit or the spirits of those around you because you refuse to let life have its cycle.

If it's the loss of a job, a house or a break-up, give yourself time to grieve, but also permission to eventually move on.  Don't wallow in the loss; rev up for the new journey.  Talk about it, surround yourself with people who have the energy to keep life flowing and MOVE ON.  No one wants to hear those words when they are down, but I can tell you from a lot of personal experience that you have to give yourself permission to live,and go forward in spite of what has happened.  Sometimes you'll need more than permission; it will have to be an order.  Order yourself to live on after a healthy (not hefty) amount of grief.

What if you can't move on?  Some of what grieves me has become a part of my daily life, but instead of thinking about how bad it is, I have learned to accept it for what it is and that I can't change it.  I've also had to see that, in spite of how much I'd like things to be different, these stressors in my life are also strengtheners.  In order to deal with what I deal with daily, I have to be strong.  I have found that I really like strength because it helps me in other areas of my life!  I know that what I deal with everyday would cause others to jump from bridges or buildings but, instead of planning my jump, I now thank God for the strength He gave me.  I realize now that it's useful in making executive decisions in my family, my marriage, and my business.  I use my experiences to write the things that have been so useful and helpful to others, and as wisdom for my family members.  I don't use my energy to feel sorry for myself as I used to.  I did that for years and boy did that get old!  I got tired of feeling sorry for myself because there was so much more to me than death, mental illness, physical/terminal illness, divorce, marital problems, single motherhood, homelessness, unfairness of work, loss of work, family problems, depression, etc.  I've dealt with it all!  I eventually poured all my energy into self discovery.  Who am I?  What do I like to do? I now know that I have a knack for the metaphysical and foreign language.  Yea, when I get bored, I go beyond the natural and/or I learn another language.  Right now, I'm studying Russian.  Anyway...

Instead of allowing my spirit to die, I found ways to cultivate it and grow.  I didn't get lost in my losses, I grew from them.  At times when I thought I couldn't GO ON, I ordered myself to MOVE ON from that place.  A healthy heart/spirit requires positive energy and you can't get that from wallowing in sorrow.  If you want to live, LIVE.  If you want to die, well, that's your choice, but don't expect others to die with you.  Negative energy is like crack; it kills.

Oh, The Pains of Growing

"Living life abundantly requires more than Jesus loving you; YOU have to love Him back!  Each one teach one."


I'm so disturbed by Whitney's "Jesus loves me, this I know" comment.  Just the way she said it in the 2002 interview with Diane Sawyer was disturbing to me.  Perhaps it disturbs me because I was listening an interview a few years ago with Carlton Pearson, a once revered Evangelical televangelist who now teaches that the gates of Heaven are open to everyone regardless of their actions (the gospel of inclusion).  When the heat got to be too much for him, he began singing that same song: "Jesus loves me this I know.  For the Bible tells me so.  Little ones to Him belong.  They are weak but He is strong.  Yes, Jesus loves me.  Yes, Jesus loves me.  Yes, Jesus loves me.  The Bible tells me so."   You know how kids put their hands over their ears and sing really loud to let you know they don't want to hear you?  Well, that's what he was doing while the other pastors and radio professionals were trying to talk to him.  It was eerie.  When I heard Whitney say that in the interview, then watched a video clip of one of her last public performances where she was singing that song with Kelly Price, my heart saddened as I had that same eerie feeling.  It makes me sad because it said to me that these people once loved Jesus, and knew He loved them, but eventually chose something else above Him.  After they left Him, they stayed in the limelight, and still seemed to have it all to some, but what they no longer had was love or integrity, and were thus humiliated, living shameful lives.  Paul said to the Romans in 11:29, that the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable.  It was Job who said out of His anguish that "the Good Lord giveth and the Good Lord taketh away."  Job, unlike Paul, was not a teacher.  Many take what he said as gospel truth, but it wasn't.  God doesn't take away what He gives to you.  If He says He's going to do something, He will never go back on His word.  But what happens is worse:  if you walk away from Him, all of your covering is gone--not as a punishment, but rather a consequence.  Love covers a multitude of sin, but when you walk away from His love, all of your covering is gone.  It doesn't matter how hard people pray for you.  YOU have to make the decision to stay covered by Him.

I also think of the artist formally known as Tonex.  In case you didn't know, he is now "B. Slade."  If you've never heard his amazing vocal range and musical gift, you won't be as sad about his demise as I am.  He is openly and flamboyantly gay (read Romans 1:22-27), still preaching and singing gospel, and believes that nothing has changed in his relationship with God.  After watching an interview with him, I became saddened for the same reason: it is apparent that at one time, he, too, knew Christ.

So what happens to people like this?  Folks, if you're one of those people who wants to win a million dollars, or just wants to win the lottery so things can get better in your life, pay full attention.  In order to handle all that comes with megafame and riches, YOU MUST FIRST BE ROOTED AND GROUNDED  IN TRUTH, INTELLIGENCE AND INTEGRITY.  If not, the things that exist on that level will destroy you.  Read Exodus 23:20-33, paying close attention to verse 29.  In that passage of Scripture, God was telling His people that He was sending an angel to protect them on their journey into their land of milk and honey.  He said He would drive out all of their enemies for them but He would not do it all in one year.  He said He would do it  "little by little lest the land become desolate and the beasts too numerous..."  That means simply this: once you get to the big screen, the big stage, the field or the court, or even to that higher tax bracket, THERE ARE STILL GOING TO BE ENEMIES THERE!   You can't get to your land of milk and honey and then walk away from your protection.  Again, LOVE covers a multitude of sins.  God, being love, protects you inside His love as if to put you into a protective bubble.  If you pop that bubble, your protection is gone!  How does one "pop" the bubble?  By trying to fit in with and be like everyone else.  The pressures of fame and money are great, and most of us don't want the money to change us.  We say it all the time: "I don't want money to change me."  Well, NEWSFLASH: if you were broke and then came into money, you're not broke anymore, right? HELLO. That's change!  Having money changed you from the moment you received the news of having it!  But talk to anyone who has come into money.  It's not easy because it can be a very lonely, depressing and spooky place if you let it.  For starters, the broke folks are always going to turn against you out of jealously and envy; it's a natural human response.  It's as if they feel that being that close to someone who received a lot of money made them a potential candidate for the pot themselves, and it's your fault they didn't get it.  If you hadn't gotten it, they could have!  The jealousy and envy changes them, but they don't see that.  They say it's you who has changed, and a common mistake on the part of the money/fame recipient is to respond to that by trying to prove they are still the same.  Broke folks are mad folks, and mad folks are haters by nature.  Don't respond to the criticism of haters.  It's never done to help you; it's always done to hurt you.  That's what envy does.

Anyway, back to Whitney, Carlton, and Tonex--and the rest of us.  Know that when your gift and calling take you to a higher place, you're going to have to shake some things and some people loose.  You can't pour new wine into old wineskins, and in order to support your new life, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO CHANGE.  If more people than before now know you by name, you have changed--and that's okay.  Wasn't that the purpose of getting what you wanted in the first place?  Let's go back: "I wish I could win the lottery so things can get better".  Wasn't change the purpose for reaching for higher?  You didn't ask that things remain the same; you wanted change.  So go with it.  It hurts at first, but it gets better if you stay on the right path.  You will meet people who have gone through what you had to go through and can relate to how you feel.  They won't hold it against you, either.  The top is not as lonely as most think it is if you know how to navigate it.  The key: letting go of those things and people that pull you down.  If you wanted fame and riches to get out of the hood, don't take the hood with you to your destination.  And remember, if the others want to get out, they CAN, too!  And it's not your responsibility to get them out because they are going to have the same issue getting out that you had--trouble letting go, and the weight of letting go will pull you down if you don't get rid of it.

What does Jesus have to do with this, you ask?  Jesus is the integrity of God.  Say it with me: In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God...God created everything through Him and nothing was created except through Him...And the Word became flesh and dwelt among them. (John 1:1...14)  The Word of God is His incorruptible honesty--integrity.  Not the words on a page, but Word as in "I give you my word."  Everything God created for these people was created through integrity, so it takes integrity to maintain it.  So if you fear the change of success, don't.  Be more concerned about changing without integrity (and that's whether success is involved or not).  If you loved Him going up, stay in His love once you get there; if you were integral going up, you've got to remain integral to stay there without it destroying you.  That's your protection in a land where your enemies abound (and remember: your enemies are those of your own household (Matthew 10:36).

In order to live life abundantly and not be destroyed in the process, you must love and hold on to integrity even after you get there.  Each one of us needs to teach this to someone.  We need to spread the word.  Keep life about integrity.  Keep it real by keeping it honest.  Don't take your gift and run away with it cuz it'll kill you!  Take the gift and rejoice!  Use it to help others to see that life doesn't have to be so bad.  And when you get there, don't let others change you with their love of money and lack of integrity.  Integrity is what makes life great, because it is integrity that leads you to greater heights; not money.  So as you climb the ladder of success, know that you are going to run into a lot of lovers of money, status, fame and success who are dishonest and cheesy.  Don't trust or befriend them because they will turn you into them by getting inside your head.  They got to where they are by lying and cheating, so for them, that level is dark, and their darkness is their lack of integrity.  Know that in your land of milk and honey there will be all kinds of people there.  There will be friends, enemies, and ...well...friendly enemies!  The friends will be those in the tiny group, but that's okay.  You won't need many people in your business anyway!

If God Be Your Alpha...

"If you leave what's good for you in order to have what's good to you, your end will be no good at all."


People, let's stop playing with God as though He is only Holy when we need Him to do something for us.  Let's stop pretending that God is not who He says He is, because He is.  And furthermore, can we stop pretending that God is a genie in a lamp who exists only to grant us our wishes and then, once our hedonistic pleasures are fulfilled, we're free to do as we please until we need something else?  If God be your Alpha, let Him also be your Omega.  Bottom line:  if you start with God, you've got to finish with God or your end will be disastrous.  This is a lesson for those who want to grow up and mature spiritually; not those who want to stay church babies.  The difference can be seen in the life of those who learn good basics in church, then move on and apply them in life.  Most church goers are chronic; they go to church all their lives, doing the same thing twenty years later that they were doing the twenty years before.  Folks, if in twenty years your church life has not changed, you have not grown spiritually, and you cannot labor for God!  You are just a church baby.  But if after years of being taught in church you are now teaching moral values and lessons to other folks--in and out of the church, you have grown spiritually or grown up spiritually.  The purpose for growing up spiritually?  The harvest is plentiful and the laborers are few.  We need people teaching sound morals, values and ethics to the generations behind them.  That's the only way to live in a better world.  But if no one is prepared to do the labor of teaching the truth and other things that matter, the society we live in erodes.  Things won't get better; they'll just get worse and worse.  There are lots of people who get older in their bodies, but their minds haven't matured much at all.  Why?  Because they are not being taught the things they need to know and understand in order to move on to the next level of maturation.  That's is what is supposed to be happening in our homes, in our churches, in our schools, on our jobs, etc., but it's not happening enough.  Why?  Because not many of us mature to the point of being teachers.  The purpose of maturation?  To build and sustain a strong society, then pass on what we know to help the future leaders of our world.  One of the purposes of history is to help us to remember where we came from so that we won't end up where we were before, repeating our mistakes.  Well, the history of your family, gender, class, social group, community, culture, city, etc., serves the same purpose, but how many of us even know our history?  Older women should be helping young girls to healthily mature into responsible young women, but look at the teenaged pregnancy rate in this country.  If mature women were teaching young girls the necessities of maturation, they'd wait longer to have husbands and babies.  Mature men should be helping young boys cross over into maturity in order to take on the responsibilities of manhood, husbandry, fatherhood, and senior citizenry, but look at the number of absentee fathers in our families.  And guys who are at home, before you jump the gun, know that emotional absenteeism is worse than physical.  Yes, you're there, but are you involved in the family activities?

So what does the church have to do with any of this?  Church teaching is for more than just informing others about Adam and Eve, Noah and the Ark, David and Goliath, Samson and Delilah and, for those who are a little more advanced, David and Absalom, Tamar and Amnon, Jezebel and Elijah, etc.  As we mature spiritually, we ought to be teaching our girls it's okay to be beautiful but a beautiful woman without discretion is like a pig with a ring in it's snout (Proverbs 11:22).   They need to now that it's important to build and maintain a home without tearing it down with their own hands (Proverbs 14:6), and that nagging your man...well, read about what that's like in Proverbs 21:9, 19.  And how about Proverbs 31?  If we read and learn about the virtuous woman, we can lay to rest the Cinderella story.  Ladies: it was just a FAIRYTALE; not a promise to those who live the perfect life!  There AIN'T no such thing as Prince Charming, so stop waiting for him.  And for goodness sakes, stop finding the frog and lying to yourself and everyone else about what a prince he is!!!  NEWSFLASH: The rest of us know a frog when we see one, so stop fantasizing; we can see all that you close your eyes to.  We know your man ain't no good if he ain't no good!

Anyway, back to the church.  Learn who God really is.  He is not some troll in the sky waiting to strike you down and cast you into hell for not following all the do's and the don'ts of religion.  He IS, however, the spirit of truth (the Holy Spirit), Integrity(the Son), and intelligence (the Father).  God is  the sum of truth, integrity and intelligence.  If you start with truth, integrity and intelligence, than finish with truth, integrity and intelligence.  If you used truth, integrity and intelligence to get your blessing, then use truth, integrity and intelligence to keep and maintain it!  If you believed in God on your way up, believe in Him just as much once you get there, or you won't be able to stay.  And the bigger they are, the harder they fall.  In everything God asks you to do, or paves the way for you to do, He is faithful to give you the strength to get it done as well as see it through.  He will never leave you on your own; He will never leave nor forsake you because HE knows YOU need HIM in order to maintain what you could never have gotten on your own!  But remember: He said He'd never leave you; He never said you couldn't leave HIM.  It's always your choice, Prodigal Son, because He said He would never force you to do anything (Zechariah 4:6).

That brings me to the inevitable question of the day, which is the original point of the blog: What happened to Whitney Houston?  I was shocked and heartbroken when I read the news.  I didn't want to believe it.  How do you go from megastardom where God is clearly the influence in your life to dying in a hotel room alone, disgraced and humiliated?  I watched a clip of the interview she did with Dianne Sawyer.  She said the biggest devil in her life was herself.  It almost brought me to tears as I listened to what she had to say because at that point I knew she wasn't lying.  I wonder, however, if anyone else saw the devil as she was talking.  I actually saw two: pride and arrogance.  It wasn't the drugs or any effect thereof that killed her.  It was her pride.  The saddest part of the interview was that she maintained "Jesus loves me, this I know". Wow!  I am certainly not writing this to bash Whitney.  I am, however, reaching out to other believers by teaching the truth about the Kingdom of God, and it is my responsibility to do so.  No matter how much I wanted to see Whitney beat this thing, it didn't change the obvious about her life--or ours.  You can't exchange who He made you to be for what you want to be, and expect your standing in the Kingdom to remain the same.  There are definite consequences for walking outside of His ways.  (And for the diehards who believe that Jesus loves you no matter what you do, read Psalm 25.  If you love and trust in Him, He won't let you die in disgrace, and before you criticize me for my honesty, read Proverbs 24:24-25.  I'm sure there were lots of people in Ms. Houston's life who warned her time and time again that if she didn't change her ways she would meet a terrible end.  She came from a family with strong gospel roots; I know they tried to help her.) If you change your identity, which is what happens when you leave God and follow the world, you are no longer the person Jesus loved! You can't do what you want to do and expect God to give to you what He's reserved for those who love Him.  It is what it is.  Rest in peace if you can, Whitney.  Rest if you can.

Bipolarity: Not a Game; It's a Real Disorder.

"A good tree does not bear bad fruit--period."


Okay.  Today, I'm a little miffed.  I'm so tired of hearing people say things like: "he only treats me like this when his meddling mother comes around" or "really, he's a good guy; he just drinks too much sometimes."  And "he only hits me when he's frustrated or in a bad mood."  "Well, she didn't mean to cheat on me.  She didn't know what she was doing; she was upset about something I said" or "She says she's going to try to do better the next time" (which is the same thing she said the last few times).

AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! That's my way of screaming at the top of my lungs online!  People, we've got to stop being so desperate!  We're worth more than what we settle for!  If we'd look at our loneliness a little less, and our value a lot more, we'd make a better society to live in.  Listen up:  A GOOD TREE DOES NOT BEAR BAD FRUIT!!!!  If the fruit on the tree is rotten, you have to ask yourself a couple of questions about it: is the fruit rotten or is the tree bad?  Do I want to eat rotten fruit?

If the fruit is rotten when it blooms on the tree, the tree is a bad tree!  If at one time the tree bore good fruit but now doesn't, it's no longer a good tree!  It's gone bad.  It happens!

Ladies and gentlemen: if someone is violating you, it is not your responsibility to stay in the situation and tally up all the things they did before things got bad.  It is, however, your responsibility to take care of yourself and not allow yourself to be violated!  One of my favorite things to say is: "You have to teach people how to treat you."  This is done through positive and negative reinforcement.  The way you respond to the way a person treats you will tell him/her whether or not they can do that to you again.  If there are no negative consequences for your child's screaming fit, he will scream in a fit again.  If he's screaming because he wants something, and you give it to him, guess what he's going to do the next time he wants something?  If someone mistreats you and you accept it without a negative reaction, you've taught that person that you are okay with their actions.  He/she will do it again, if not, something worse!  A good person does not mistreat you.  If you are a good person, you do not mistreat others.  I think the problem for most is that there's a fine line between "good" and "nice", and the two are often confused.  They sound the same, but they are not the same thing.  "Good" is the total absence of evil; it does not mean the lesser of two evils.  "Nice" means socially acceptable.  Just because a person does something nice for you does not mean he/she is a good person, and it certainly doesn't mean you owe them for it.  Also, when a nice person shows the not-so-nice side of him, it may be a symptom of something terribly wrong, but one that you'll miss if you think you have to repay nice for nice.  Let's look at this.

I have a friend who always says to me, "my daughter is really a good person, but she can be so really mean at times.  We think she may be bipolar."  HEL-LO!!!!  A evil person can be "nice" to you, but that doesn't make him "good"at all (date rapists typically start out being nice to their victims.  That's how they lure them into a rape situation).  Even the devil can appear as an angel of light!  The two polars in Bi-polar Disorder means that there are two exact opposite moods of the person, and the opposite of the good one is...let's say it together...BAD.  Does that mean that people with bipolar disorder are bad?  Not necessarily, but it does means that they do have a bad side; a side that may need some professional attention before someone gets hurt.  I know that those of you who know of someone with bipolar disorder may have a hard time with this but the reality is that if the two polars were "good" and "better", there would be no anti-psychotic drugs prescribed to balance the disorder.  Bipolarity is a DIS-order!  It should never be taken lightly.  Of course, those of us who live with someone who we know is bipolar already know that!  So, what does this have to do with our blog subject?  There are an estimated 4 million Americans living with bipolar disorder.  REALITY CHECK: some of you have bipolar mates or children (or are bipolar yourself) who have not been diagnosed.  You're thinking it's just tantrums or the alcohol, a bad childhood, or mood swings.  Maybe you think it's his boss' fault for treating him unfairly, or the fact that he's been out of work longer than he wanted to be, so you let it go on and on until it destroys you, your children and everyone else in its path.  When does the destruction end?  Do you really think the situation is going to get better or are you just hoping it will?  What will be the cost if you're wrong?

How much is too much?  When is enough enough?  How much are you going to take before you realize your situation is NOT a good one?  How do you know when the situation is no good?  When it's producing bad fruit. It's when you find yourself depressed or more fearful than you should be.  It's when you feel you have to lie, hide, steal, cheat, etc., in order to make the situation better.  It's when everyone around you is taken hostage because they are having to respond to the mood swings/bad temper all of the time instead of dealing with what's going on in their own lives.  It's when your child has to take a back seat to your man, or to your alcoholism or drug addiction (which are often used to medicate the pain of it all).  It's when you're so stressed out about your situation that you can't celebrate your child's or mate's successes.  Hell, it's when you're tired of taking it!

Stop thinking that you have to deal with other folks issues.  You don't.  Especially if you're not properly trained to do so.  If your man buys you roses for Valentine's day, that doesn't mean that he now owns the right to punch you in the face whenever he feels like he needs to release tension.  NEWSFLASH: there are other guys out there who will buy you flowers, but leave your face in tact!  Don't be a punching bag--emotional or physical--just to be able to say you have a mate.  If you're looking for good fruit, don't set up camp in front of a bad tree.  If you choose to water a bad tree, it's your choice, but don't call it good, because it isn't.  When is enough enough?  When you discover YOU are worthy of good.  Those worthy of good don't settle for the lesser of two evils.  They will wait for the good--no matter how long it takes to show up.