You've Got To Teach People How To Treat You

"If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything."

The most important part of a successful, loving relationship?  BOUNDARIES!!!!!!  If a relationship is to succeed on any level, especially where love is concerned, there must be boundaries!  A relationship without boundaries is like:

 1.  A serving of milk without a glass.

 2.  A car without a frame.

 3.  A circle with no outline.

 4.  Running a bath without a tub.

 5.  A t.v. with no remote (haha!  You know it's better with the remote!).

 6.  Music with no sound.

 7.  Pro football without a field.

 8.  Pro basketball with no court.

 9.  A model with no make-up!

10.  A group of kids with no adults around...

...a relationship with no love.  Let me say that again:  a relationship without boundaries is like a relationship with no love.  Whether the relationship is one between lovers, mother and daughter/son, father and daughter/son, supervisor/workers, friends, etc., there must be boundaries to keep the relationship solid.  A common mistake among women seeking permanence with a man is that the female will often accept whatever he does, just to be able to say she has a man (works in the opposite direction, too, guys).  Sadly, she thinks there's security in having him around.  Well, guess what?  There is no security in a boundary-less relationship.  The security in a glass of milk is that the boundaries of the glass keep the liquid from spilling all over the place.  Without the glass, it's impossible to drink the milk.  Unless you're going to lap it up off the floor--which is lapping, not drinking.  And also, milk flavored dirt.  The same holds true in relationships: without boundaries, it is impossible to have a successful, loving relationship.

The car with no frame will make for a very painful and uncomfortable ride.  Without the frame, what will you sit on?  The tires?  That would have to hurt.  What would protect you from the wind or other weather conditions?  Oh, here's one: the bugs?  Imagine that bug that splats on your windshield hitting you smack dab in the face.  Oh, yeah.  It would hit you because without a frame, there can be no windshield.  Yuck.  Bug juice...  And so it is in relationships.  Without boundaries, the finding out of your mate cheating would feel like a bug flying full speed into your face.  It would hurt like hell, and the memory of it hitting you in the face would constantly flash back into your mind and make you sick to the stomach.

The mate who spends all of your money on him/herself and leaves you to figure out how to pay the bills is a never ending cycle.  Like a circle with no outline because it never ends (like a circle) and you don't see it coming (no outline).  And even if  you did, you wouldn't know where the outline began or ended because it's a circle--cycle. 

An abusive relationship, whether spiritual, mental, emotional or physical, is like bathwater running all over the floor.  The water represents your tears and you should stop the water from running as soon as you see it hitting the floor because it's not going to stop itself and it is sure to cause major damage--above and below the surface! (Do you know the cost of repairing water damage?  It's not cheap, but neither is therapy.)

A mate who is an addict--drug, alcohol, shopping, plastic surgery, pornography, church service, gossip, sex, etc., is like a television with no remote.  Nothing's going to change until you get tired of watching the same thing over and over and over again, and finally get up and make the change yourself. (Oooo.  I like that one.  That's pretty clever if I may say so myself!)

A mate who keeps promising to change is like music with no sound.  It's the same song over and over and over again, and eventually, you won't even hear his/her words anymore.  

A mate who is free to come and go in and out of your life as he/she pleases, is like pro football without a field or pro basketball without a court.  Everyone is all over the place and no one knows what goal to work toward.  Eventually, the players will wear themselves out and the fans will stop supporting. (Ouch.  Not the fans.)

A model with no make-up?  That's just ugly.

A relationship without boundaries is like kids ruling the world with no adults around.  There would be no clear leadership and things will end up as they did in The Lord of the Flies.  You're left to govern yourselves in the relationship, with no clear rules, an environment that is perfect for fear,  anger, jealousy, insecurity, rivalry, competition, division and self-destruction. The longer you're in the relationship with no rules or boundaries, the more savage you become.  Why?  Because there is nothing to keep you on a straight and narrow path.  Without a straight path, curiosity and hormones tend to get the best of us.  We start flirting with danger, and before we know it, that which keeps us warm and safe dies out or passes us by.  (Instead of tending to the fire, the boys went on a hunt to kill a pig and let their fire burn out, while letting a passing ship go by unnoticed.)

Let's face it: we all need boundaries in every situation.  Even though we buck and challenge them, rules are important.  Set rules for your relationship.  Draw lines that your mate may not cross and stand on them.  Otherwise, they will cause you and your relationship to fall.  

Because we are all different as people, there needs to be common boundaries that keep us from disrespecting and destroying each other as well as ourselves.  Set boundaries within yourself before you enter your relationship, and stick to them.  If you don't want to be cheated on, don't involve yourself with a mate who is not willing to commit.  If you don't want your hard earned money spent on drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or strippers, don't get involved with a potential mate who has any of these issues.  It is your right---and duty---to have an idea of what you're looking for in a relationship.  A relationship is something you should spend a lot of time thinking about before you enter into one, and that goes for friends, lovers, spouses and....drumroll...drum some more...make sure they take the time to think...PARENTS!  Look before you leap or you're going to end up jumping on a pile of thorns or on shards of glass, and it will be no one's fault but your own!!!!  You will definitely hurt yourself.  If it's your relationship, you have a right to choose what you want.  It's your duty to choose what you want.  Take charge of your life.  Don't just end up in a relationship by default.  Relationships are hard work, so know what you're signing up for and take an active role in it.  That means set boundaries---decide what you will and will not put up with.  It's your right.

  

  

Connection is Love's Main Ingredient

"Family are those who love you; all others are just relatives." As a counselor, I watched many people over the years abide by family code of loyalty until there was nothing left of them.  As humans, some of us will fight for family until the bitter end, but far too many more of us are on the side that makes those who love us give their lives in the fight.  This weekend, I watched Despicable Me 1 & 2 with my family, and I must say that I absolutely love those movies!  Big thumbs up to Steve Carell.  That guy is amazing.  I thought the character "Gru" was going to be much more evil than he was, which is why I didn't see the first movie when it came out.  Evil to kids? Not for me.  But when I watched the movie and saw that he had such a heart for those girls ("goyles" as he says), I fell in love with the series.  Can't wait for the third movie.   But here's our topic for the day:  family loyalty.  In the second movie, Dr. Navario left to be evil again, but came back when he realized his new boss was trying to hurt Gru and the minions.  "Nobody messes with my family," he says.  There was a time when that could have and should have been the code for everyone to live by.  Everyone should be able to love and be loyal to family members, and this still holds true, but you have to understand what family is.  Family is known to man as anyone related to you.  Well, there are lots of people related to you; most of them you don't even know.  It's not possible to love and be loyal to them all.  To love someone is to be CONNECTED  with them.  To be loyal is to be devoted to them forever.  Well, let me state it as simply as I can:   YOU CAN'T BE CONNECTED TO SOMEONE WHO IS LOYAL TO SOMETHING OR SOMEONE ELSE IF THE CONNECTION TO THE OTHER PREVENTS THEM FROM BEING LOYAL TO YOU!!!!!   That's what connection is.  It's a circle; not a line.  The love has to be reciprocated, or the connection of love cannot be made.  Blood only connects relatives; not family.   I know, I know.  "But that's my sister" or "my brother" or "my mother" or "my dad" or "my husband" or "my wife" or "my son" or "my daughter".   Let me say it again: if the other person is more loyal to someone or something else, it is not possible for a love connection to exist.  So LET GO!!  You may have to give the other person time to figure out what love is.  If he doesn't know, he won't understand what you're trying to do to him/her.  He/she will mistake your love for control, and if that happens, rebellion against you is sure to come.  Know your limits.  Understand that love takes time, even in families, and if there is something standing in the way of your love connection, forcing yourself on that person will do nothing but damage the relationship between the two of you---and the rest of the family members as well.  If the one you want to love is a drug addict, know that addiction ALWAYS trumps love.  It's not personal; it's an immense craving for something that denies your loved one the right to love you back.  The same goes for alcohol.  If the one you love desires someone else, that desire trumps the better love you think you can give.  If your mate keeps running back to an ex or current lover (or to strippers, prostitutes, porn, etc.), it's because he/she can't or doesn't want to let go of the other.  It's not personal; it's an addiction.  Or maybe he/she truly loves the other person.  You have to let go.  If your son/daughter wants to be with the other parent or a lover, there's nothing you can do to change his/her mind (minor child excluded).  Sometimes you have to let go even when you share the same bloodline.  If not, the other person will destroy you, and if that's okay with you, there's something WRONG with YOU.  And that's the reason he/she has latched on to someone or something else.  Am I saying it's your fault?  No.  I'm saying that if you're the one who is addicted, you are the one who needs help.  No one wants to be your drug or your supplier, even if you're family.   Family are those who are able to love you back.  It's what strengthens the bond of love.  If you hold on to something that makes you weak, it denies those family members who love you the strength of being loved in return.

Who's Calling Who Selfish?

"A man's heart is only as deep as his thoughts...and his level of brilliance can be found wrapped inside his heart."

Now, before you women start thinking that "man" in that quote refers only to males, know that letters in the word "man" are the last three letters of both "h-u-M-A-N" and w-o-M-A-N".  So females, you are not off the hook.  You, too, are only as deep as your thoughts.  Before you call another man selfish, take a look at yourself and see how much of what you hate about him applies to you.  For example, if you think he's selfish because he forgot your three day anniversary, ask yourself why you wanted him to remember it.  Was it because you wanted a gift? Or because you thought he should have forgotten about his game night with the boys, which he's been doing for the last five years and spent that time with you, snuggling and making what, in you're mind, would have made an exciting story that your girlfriends wouldn't have been able to wait to hear about. (Note to self: watch girlfriend's facial expression as I'm telling her what we did on our three day anniversary.  Hint: it will look a lot like Whoopi Goldberg's face when Sherri Shepherd talks about her "huuuuuuuuuuuuzzzzzband". Again.  And again.  And again....)  Or maybe he's selfish because he didn't buy for your birthday what your friend's man bought for her on her birthday.  Or better yet, he bought what he could afford, rather than what you dreamed of showing off to your friend's or family.  

I can remember getting a phone call one Christmas from a very angry and distraught former female acquaintance of mine.  The conversation went like this: 

"I am with the most selfish man I know.  Do you know what he bought me for Christmas?" 

"No. What?" 

"A tool kit for my car!"  

"Oh, cool!"  

"How is that 'cool'? It was selfish and stupid!  All he thinks about is himself!  What kind of Christmas present is that?  And he had the nerve to be all excited because it was PINK!!! Why would a woman want a tool kit for Christmas? How stupid can he be..."

In my mind, it was very, very thoughtful on his part, and, much to her chagrin, I understood and supported his excitement.  What kind of friend am I, you ask?  One with a big heart and an amazing level of brilliance!!!!  Of course, she didn't see it that way, so she doesn't talk to me anymore, but at that time in her life, she drove around town in a beater.  Her car was constantly falling apart.  There was ALWAYS something wrong with it, so she complained about it all the time.  For example, to roll down the window on the passenger side, she had to keep a wrench close by.  Not only did she have regular car problems, but she lived alone with her two small children.  He didn't live with her nor was he close enough to come running whenever she broke down.  

I thought it was not only a brilliant gift, but also a sign of how much attention he really paid to her when she talked to him!  That gift said that he cared about what she was going through; that he cared enough to help.  He thought about what she needed even after they got off the phone, and...drumroll...he cared about more than just having sex with her, her cooking for him, her cleaning up after him, or her being his trophy.  He obviously cared about her life and her safety, as well as that of her children.  He wasn't selfish; she was.  The real issue: she was angry that he didn't buy the typical girl gift that would have allowed her to brag to others to show them how much she meant to him. You know those gifts--rings, flowers, cars, houses, marriage proposals, etc.  The saddest part of this was that he had already given her the best thing he had to give--his heart--and she didn't even see it. So how big was her heart?  And really...who was the stupid one?