Where Do You Get Your Information From?

"If your negative situation can be changed, 95% of what you're feeling is only an illusion.  Therefore, it's mind over matter."


We are living in some really tough times.  Most people are really stressed--far too many to the point of hopelessness.  Our fellowman is committing murder, suicide and murder/suicide as a way out of situations that have other viable solutions. These situations have obviously not been thought through in the healthiest of ways.  If someone has to get hurt or die in your solution, you've NOT thought this through in the best of ways, and you need help.  Does this mean you're crazy? Absolutely not.  It just means that you need to see another side of your story.  It means that you are much too emotional to clearly see all of the options by yourself.  It means that you need to talk to someone who can see your situation differently, and offer a different perspective.  At one time in our existence, things in our society lined up in ways that most people understood.  Because of that, it was easier to get help with a situation that had you concerned, nervous, afraid, or somewhat curious.  You could ask a parent or other relative, a friend, a teacher, a church official, etc.  But at that time, our society had common sense.  Common sense is that stuff that most people agree on, that's what makes it common.  Things were that way because we had guidelines in our society that most agreed on and followed with a sense of community.  Nowadays, people don't agree on much.  Why? Because there is no sense of community. Everyone is pretty much doing his own thing, and feels he has that right--and he does.  There's nothing wrong with that except that you kinda don't live on this earth by yourself.  If you were on your own island, you could do whatever the hell you wanted without question.  But you don't!  Therefore, we, as a society, need to get to a place where many of us agree on many things again.  We need to establish some common ground.  Don't get me wrong, it's nice to live in a free society where people can, not only have their own opinion, but also voice it.  The problem is that opinions are like butt holes; everybody has one and nothing comes out of them but sh...I'll be nice...feces.  Opinions are what got us into this mess.  We need to get back to a place when facts--not opinions--matter, and when those giving us these facts are experts in their fields because they did measurable research.  They conducted, documented and published studies.  They conducted the studies because these people were global thinkers that hypothesized, then attempted to prove or disprove their theories.  The difference between those philosophers and the ones we have now is...simply stated...research.  Though the philosophers of old didn't have all the answers, they had proved many.  The problem with today's society is that no one seems have any answers that are tried and true. What does any of this have to do with common sense? If the answers aren't tried and true, they are anybody's guess, and that's what opinion's are: somebody's guess.  Well, these guesses are happening in far too many places and situations, and the end results tend to be more than our society can handle.  It's not just the man with the gun in his hand, it's also the person responsible for hiring and firing in the employment arena.  It's moms, dads, teachers, pastors or other clergy, coaches, sales associates, cooks, childcare workers, and worse, doctors, lawyers, therapists, judges, police officers, and members of congress and other politicians.  Worst of all, it's our good friends.  Why is that worst? Because we trust them and are more likely to listen to them.  But these problems don't start with the answers; they start with our questions.  Especially the one that we all fail to ask: How do I know that what I'm being told is right? or Why should I ask or listen to this person? Credentials seem to be a thing of the past, expertise right along with it.  Here's a piece of advice: before you follow someone, know where that person is taking you, and you know that by where they've been.  Don't just blindly follow a person or his advice.  Do your own research.  Ask, if nothing else, how the person arrived at the conclusion he/she gave to you. Often, when we seek answers from others, it's about a situation he/she is very passionate about.  But do yourself the favor and question his/her passion.  Is it based on a proven theory, or is this person emotional about something that he's made his personal platform.  Secondly, ask yourself why you're seeking this information.  Is your search based on truth or an emotional experience? (Hell, for that matter a lie?)  Are you seeking answers from this person because you know he will tell you what you want to hear? Are you only hearing what you want to hear when the person speaks?  Why did you choose this person to get answers from? Here's the big one: AM I BEING HONEST ABOUT THE QUESTION THAT I'M ASKING, OR AM I JUST LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO AGREE WITH ME SO THAT I CAN FEEL BETTER? In seeking your answer, did you give the true version of the story, or was it the one that makes you look less culpable?  Sometimes we have the answers before we ask the question, so we kinda ask one that's a little bit different from the one we have the answer to.  Not good; not fair.  If you are not honest with yourself, you're going to blow the situation out of proportion as you duck and dodge the truth about your part in it.  As you blow it out of your pie hole (that's what it is when you're lying), you're going to seek counsel from some whack job, or...okay, I'll be nice...frustrated friend, coworker or relative who you know to be a fire starter of sorts.  That person or group of people will only pour gasoline on the fire you've already ignited.  Then guess what? There's going to be an explosion. And a bigger fire. And destruction.  And debris everywhere.  The fire will spread fast.  And destroy everything in it's path.  And YOU started it, but you're not going to tell anybody that.  So how about we go back to square one?  If you have a problem and are in need of answers, go to a trusted resource with all of your facts lined up, and find a viable solution.  In doing so, you will see that whatever has you worked up, is really just mind over matter.  Say you lost (got fired from) your job, and you need to feed yourself and your family.  Take the time to adjust emotionally, then seek answers from viable sources.  Don't talk to the family member who lost his job and is still angry about it. Don't talk to the person who thinks you do no wrong. Talk to the one who lost his job and got another one.  If you're frustrated because you work hard all day and still can't make ends meet each month, don't talk to others who aren't making ends meet.  Talk to someone who is. And do yourself a favor...don't talk to the chain smoker who is struggling to feed his/her family.  Cigarettes are quite expensive, and take a large chunk out of any budget, but the smoker is not going to charge any of his difficulty to his habit; it's going to be someone else's fault. Trust and believe.  If your spouse is giving you a problem...say it with me...don't get advice from a single person, or one who has been married three or more times!  If you're not happy with your life, don't talk to a depressed person about it, nor the person who keeps reinventing himself and can't commit to anything for more than three months.  Obviously, he doesn't have anything figured out.  And finally, if you're struggling with the quality of your life, don't ask your kids what they think.  How the hell should they know? The bottom line: if life is not working for you, take some time to find out what you need to do to improve it, but don't approach the answers when you're feeling down or defeated.  Negative energy begets negative energy.  Reset yourself.  Calm down from your emotional place and deal with what you're going through intelligently.  We are all going through something.  If not, we just came out of something.  Yours is NOT the end of the world...or at least, it shouldn't be.

The Sweet Taste of...Failure???

"If your great idea/invention worked perfectly the first time, I'm going to pay attention to and support somebody else! Failure is an awesome opportunity for you to become an expert at what you do."

I know, I know. To say that failure is not so bad makes me sound like the mom of the football player who ran 90 yards in the opposite direction, scoring a safety for the other team.  Or the mom of the girl who places third in the beauty pageant. Okay, Charlie Brown, but really, it's true.  Steve Jobs is heralded as one of the greatest inventors of our time, but also one of the most difficult personalities to understand or get along with. He is credited for inventing some of the greatest "stuff" this generation has ever seen, but you'd be a fool to think that he only failed once, or never at all.  Let's take a look at some of the other noted "failures before successes" of our time, and in our history (and not necessarily in chronological order. It's too early in the morning for that, so bear with me):

George Washington lost all of his battles as a general in The Seven Years War. Unfortunately for Sir Cloudesley of the Scilly Naval Disaster, his failure proved the sailing master of the HMS Lennox right, resulting in the improvement of naval navigational systems. Albert Einstein failed in school before his genius was discovered. Halle Berry and Steve Harvey were both homeless. Jerry Springer ran for Illinois State Senate. Bill Clinton was up for impeachment.  Barack Obama was pulverized in a race for a political seat in the state of Illinois. And for any Obama haters out there--George W. Bush. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Michael Jordan was cut from his basketball team. Prince got booed off the stage. Beyoncé is celebrated by many as a great singer...(ouch).  Anyway...

The point is that true greatness begins with failure. Then failure again. And again. But failure is not as awful as it feels. It is truly necessary. Without failure, the food you eat would make you sick or even kill you. Someone had to test it out first. That's, unfortunately for some poor soul, how we know not to eat certain berries from certain bushes, vines or trees in the wilderness. Skin products, hair products, fabrics for clothing, materials for shoes, financial investments, and hell, even certain parts of town, were tested out first by someone or some group of people whose failed efforts let us know whether or not those things were good for us! Heaven forbid we drive cars that have not been tested for success or failure. Or ride in planes, boats or trains. Imagine a traffic light being placed on a busy thoroughfare that has not been tested and flashes green on all sides.  How about air traffic with no control?  Okay. Let's not imagine that. That's way too morbid.

Don't get me wrong.  Failure hurts like hell, but somebody's gotta do it or we won't grow as a society. Truth be told, failure feels like a visit from a happy devil on an already 120 degree day. I know. I've been there a few times myself.  I'm starting to call failure "my old friend."  (But damn, I wish that friend would lose my address!) So, I'm not speaking from inexperience. Fortunately for me, I survived them all so far, and am doing quite well, thank you.  I could speak on this subject all day long, but Chinese Philosopher, I Ching, stated it best: "Before being used for greatness, one must appear a fool before a crowd."

Don't let failure stop you from making awesome investments in your life and great contributions to society, because it is truly the main ingredient for success, as well as happiness!  Happy birthday, Kitty Cat. Here's your blog!!!!

You've Got To Teach People How To Treat You

"If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything."

The most important part of a successful, loving relationship?  BOUNDARIES!!!!!!  If a relationship is to succeed on any level, especially where love is concerned, there must be boundaries!  A relationship without boundaries is like:

 1.  A serving of milk without a glass.

 2.  A car without a frame.

 3.  A circle with no outline.

 4.  Running a bath without a tub.

 5.  A t.v. with no remote (haha!  You know it's better with the remote!).

 6.  Music with no sound.

 7.  Pro football without a field.

 8.  Pro basketball with no court.

 9.  A model with no make-up!

10.  A group of kids with no adults around...

...a relationship with no love.  Let me say that again:  a relationship without boundaries is like a relationship with no love.  Whether the relationship is one between lovers, mother and daughter/son, father and daughter/son, supervisor/workers, friends, etc., there must be boundaries to keep the relationship solid.  A common mistake among women seeking permanence with a man is that the female will often accept whatever he does, just to be able to say she has a man (works in the opposite direction, too, guys).  Sadly, she thinks there's security in having him around.  Well, guess what?  There is no security in a boundary-less relationship.  The security in a glass of milk is that the boundaries of the glass keep the liquid from spilling all over the place.  Without the glass, it's impossible to drink the milk.  Unless you're going to lap it up off the floor--which is lapping, not drinking.  And also, milk flavored dirt.  The same holds true in relationships: without boundaries, it is impossible to have a successful, loving relationship.

The car with no frame will make for a very painful and uncomfortable ride.  Without the frame, what will you sit on?  The tires?  That would have to hurt.  What would protect you from the wind or other weather conditions?  Oh, here's one: the bugs?  Imagine that bug that splats on your windshield hitting you smack dab in the face.  Oh, yeah.  It would hit you because without a frame, there can be no windshield.  Yuck.  Bug juice...  And so it is in relationships.  Without boundaries, the finding out of your mate cheating would feel like a bug flying full speed into your face.  It would hurt like hell, and the memory of it hitting you in the face would constantly flash back into your mind and make you sick to the stomach.

The mate who spends all of your money on him/herself and leaves you to figure out how to pay the bills is a never ending cycle.  Like a circle with no outline because it never ends (like a circle) and you don't see it coming (no outline).  And even if  you did, you wouldn't know where the outline began or ended because it's a circle--cycle. 

An abusive relationship, whether spiritual, mental, emotional or physical, is like bathwater running all over the floor.  The water represents your tears and you should stop the water from running as soon as you see it hitting the floor because it's not going to stop itself and it is sure to cause major damage--above and below the surface! (Do you know the cost of repairing water damage?  It's not cheap, but neither is therapy.)

A mate who is an addict--drug, alcohol, shopping, plastic surgery, pornography, church service, gossip, sex, etc., is like a television with no remote.  Nothing's going to change until you get tired of watching the same thing over and over and over again, and finally get up and make the change yourself. (Oooo.  I like that one.  That's pretty clever if I may say so myself!)

A mate who keeps promising to change is like music with no sound.  It's the same song over and over and over again, and eventually, you won't even hear his/her words anymore.  

A mate who is free to come and go in and out of your life as he/she pleases, is like pro football without a field or pro basketball without a court.  Everyone is all over the place and no one knows what goal to work toward.  Eventually, the players will wear themselves out and the fans will stop supporting. (Ouch.  Not the fans.)

A model with no make-up?  That's just ugly.

A relationship without boundaries is like kids ruling the world with no adults around.  There would be no clear leadership and things will end up as they did in The Lord of the Flies.  You're left to govern yourselves in the relationship, with no clear rules, an environment that is perfect for fear,  anger, jealousy, insecurity, rivalry, competition, division and self-destruction. The longer you're in the relationship with no rules or boundaries, the more savage you become.  Why?  Because there is nothing to keep you on a straight and narrow path.  Without a straight path, curiosity and hormones tend to get the best of us.  We start flirting with danger, and before we know it, that which keeps us warm and safe dies out or passes us by.  (Instead of tending to the fire, the boys went on a hunt to kill a pig and let their fire burn out, while letting a passing ship go by unnoticed.)

Let's face it: we all need boundaries in every situation.  Even though we buck and challenge them, rules are important.  Set rules for your relationship.  Draw lines that your mate may not cross and stand on them.  Otherwise, they will cause you and your relationship to fall.  

Because we are all different as people, there needs to be common boundaries that keep us from disrespecting and destroying each other as well as ourselves.  Set boundaries within yourself before you enter your relationship, and stick to them.  If you don't want to be cheated on, don't involve yourself with a mate who is not willing to commit.  If you don't want your hard earned money spent on drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or strippers, don't get involved with a potential mate who has any of these issues.  It is your right---and duty---to have an idea of what you're looking for in a relationship.  A relationship is something you should spend a lot of time thinking about before you enter into one, and that goes for friends, lovers, spouses and....drumroll...drum some more...make sure they take the time to think...PARENTS!  Look before you leap or you're going to end up jumping on a pile of thorns or on shards of glass, and it will be no one's fault but your own!!!!  You will definitely hurt yourself.  If it's your relationship, you have a right to choose what you want.  It's your duty to choose what you want.  Take charge of your life.  Don't just end up in a relationship by default.  Relationships are hard work, so know what you're signing up for and take an active role in it.  That means set boundaries---decide what you will and will not put up with.  It's your right.

  

  

Connection is Love's Main Ingredient

"Family are those who love you; all others are just relatives." As a counselor, I watched many people over the years abide by family code of loyalty until there was nothing left of them.  As humans, some of us will fight for family until the bitter end, but far too many more of us are on the side that makes those who love us give their lives in the fight.  This weekend, I watched Despicable Me 1 & 2 with my family, and I must say that I absolutely love those movies!  Big thumbs up to Steve Carell.  That guy is amazing.  I thought the character "Gru" was going to be much more evil than he was, which is why I didn't see the first movie when it came out.  Evil to kids? Not for me.  But when I watched the movie and saw that he had such a heart for those girls ("goyles" as he says), I fell in love with the series.  Can't wait for the third movie.   But here's our topic for the day:  family loyalty.  In the second movie, Dr. Navario left to be evil again, but came back when he realized his new boss was trying to hurt Gru and the minions.  "Nobody messes with my family," he says.  There was a time when that could have and should have been the code for everyone to live by.  Everyone should be able to love and be loyal to family members, and this still holds true, but you have to understand what family is.  Family is known to man as anyone related to you.  Well, there are lots of people related to you; most of them you don't even know.  It's not possible to love and be loyal to them all.  To love someone is to be CONNECTED  with them.  To be loyal is to be devoted to them forever.  Well, let me state it as simply as I can:   YOU CAN'T BE CONNECTED TO SOMEONE WHO IS LOYAL TO SOMETHING OR SOMEONE ELSE IF THE CONNECTION TO THE OTHER PREVENTS THEM FROM BEING LOYAL TO YOU!!!!!   That's what connection is.  It's a circle; not a line.  The love has to be reciprocated, or the connection of love cannot be made.  Blood only connects relatives; not family.   I know, I know.  "But that's my sister" or "my brother" or "my mother" or "my dad" or "my husband" or "my wife" or "my son" or "my daughter".   Let me say it again: if the other person is more loyal to someone or something else, it is not possible for a love connection to exist.  So LET GO!!  You may have to give the other person time to figure out what love is.  If he doesn't know, he won't understand what you're trying to do to him/her.  He/she will mistake your love for control, and if that happens, rebellion against you is sure to come.  Know your limits.  Understand that love takes time, even in families, and if there is something standing in the way of your love connection, forcing yourself on that person will do nothing but damage the relationship between the two of you---and the rest of the family members as well.  If the one you want to love is a drug addict, know that addiction ALWAYS trumps love.  It's not personal; it's an immense craving for something that denies your loved one the right to love you back.  The same goes for alcohol.  If the one you love desires someone else, that desire trumps the better love you think you can give.  If your mate keeps running back to an ex or current lover (or to strippers, prostitutes, porn, etc.), it's because he/she can't or doesn't want to let go of the other.  It's not personal; it's an addiction.  Or maybe he/she truly loves the other person.  You have to let go.  If your son/daughter wants to be with the other parent or a lover, there's nothing you can do to change his/her mind (minor child excluded).  Sometimes you have to let go even when you share the same bloodline.  If not, the other person will destroy you, and if that's okay with you, there's something WRONG with YOU.  And that's the reason he/she has latched on to someone or something else.  Am I saying it's your fault?  No.  I'm saying that if you're the one who is addicted, you are the one who needs help.  No one wants to be your drug or your supplier, even if you're family.   Family are those who are able to love you back.  It's what strengthens the bond of love.  If you hold on to something that makes you weak, it denies those family members who love you the strength of being loved in return.

Who's Calling Who Selfish?

"A man's heart is only as deep as his thoughts...and his level of brilliance can be found wrapped inside his heart."

Now, before you women start thinking that "man" in that quote refers only to males, know that letters in the word "man" are the last three letters of both "h-u-M-A-N" and w-o-M-A-N".  So females, you are not off the hook.  You, too, are only as deep as your thoughts.  Before you call another man selfish, take a look at yourself and see how much of what you hate about him applies to you.  For example, if you think he's selfish because he forgot your three day anniversary, ask yourself why you wanted him to remember it.  Was it because you wanted a gift? Or because you thought he should have forgotten about his game night with the boys, which he's been doing for the last five years and spent that time with you, snuggling and making what, in you're mind, would have made an exciting story that your girlfriends wouldn't have been able to wait to hear about. (Note to self: watch girlfriend's facial expression as I'm telling her what we did on our three day anniversary.  Hint: it will look a lot like Whoopi Goldberg's face when Sherri Shepherd talks about her "huuuuuuuuuuuuzzzzzband". Again.  And again.  And again....)  Or maybe he's selfish because he didn't buy for your birthday what your friend's man bought for her on her birthday.  Or better yet, he bought what he could afford, rather than what you dreamed of showing off to your friend's or family.  

I can remember getting a phone call one Christmas from a very angry and distraught former female acquaintance of mine.  The conversation went like this: 

"I am with the most selfish man I know.  Do you know what he bought me for Christmas?" 

"No. What?" 

"A tool kit for my car!"  

"Oh, cool!"  

"How is that 'cool'? It was selfish and stupid!  All he thinks about is himself!  What kind of Christmas present is that?  And he had the nerve to be all excited because it was PINK!!! Why would a woman want a tool kit for Christmas? How stupid can he be..."

In my mind, it was very, very thoughtful on his part, and, much to her chagrin, I understood and supported his excitement.  What kind of friend am I, you ask?  One with a big heart and an amazing level of brilliance!!!!  Of course, she didn't see it that way, so she doesn't talk to me anymore, but at that time in her life, she drove around town in a beater.  Her car was constantly falling apart.  There was ALWAYS something wrong with it, so she complained about it all the time.  For example, to roll down the window on the passenger side, she had to keep a wrench close by.  Not only did she have regular car problems, but she lived alone with her two small children.  He didn't live with her nor was he close enough to come running whenever she broke down.  

I thought it was not only a brilliant gift, but also a sign of how much attention he really paid to her when she talked to him!  That gift said that he cared about what she was going through; that he cared enough to help.  He thought about what she needed even after they got off the phone, and...drumroll...he cared about more than just having sex with her, her cooking for him, her cleaning up after him, or her being his trophy.  He obviously cared about her life and her safety, as well as that of her children.  He wasn't selfish; she was.  The real issue: she was angry that he didn't buy the typical girl gift that would have allowed her to brag to others to show them how much she meant to him. You know those gifts--rings, flowers, cars, houses, marriage proposals, etc.  The saddest part of this was that he had already given her the best thing he had to give--his heart--and she didn't even see it. So how big was her heart?  And really...who was the stupid one?

The Power of a Woe-man

"Wo-man was designed to be the strength behind her man's success in life, but selfishness has caused her to become his woe-man instead!"

Had a weird dream last night.  I was watching this armadillo-like being graze in a meadow.  It didn't have the armor of an armadillo, but was shaped as one, and moved in the same kind of way.  It was minding its own business, sort of in its own lane, just doing what armadillo-like things do--I guess.  I noticed it because it had very graceful, yet strong movements, and beautiful, neatly aligned blueish-purple spots that were arranged in these amazing horizontal rows across its body.  There were also children playing in this meadow, so there was lots of happy chatter.  But as I took notice of the armadillo-thing and became more and more engrossed in it's being, I became oblivious to all of the other goings on.  As I watched this thing, I became totally mesmerized by it's busy, yet delicate movements.  I was fascinated by its ability to stay in its own lane.  It bothered nobody, and nobody bothered it!  But as my eyes became captivated, my mind began to register the thing as a skunk!  It didn't look at all like a skunk, but somehow I knew it was.  So I remained distant.  But then something really strange happened.  The damn thing turned into a child!  A beautiful cherubic child--no, seriously a cherub (imagine Cupid with no arrow).  It had no clothes on, but the skin on it was heavenly.  It began to play as all of the other children, but still minding it's own business.  Though not quite three feet in height, it-she-- stood up, exposing beautiful locks of dark curly hair that fell only to her shoulders.  I noticed that her hair and her skin were equally beautiful, nothing like anything on earth.  I thought the child was so cute that I wanted to pick her up and hold her, but my mind kept registering SKUNK, so I thought better of it.  Taken by her delicate movements, again I became mesmerized.  She was chubby like an eighteen month old and her skin became softer and softer as I watched her go about her business and, again, I wanted to pick her up and hold her.  But then I noticed this little spout-like protrusion, with a mouth-like opening at the end of her, near the bottom left hand side of her torso (maybe more underneath her left butt cheek, but the butt part of her never registered in my mind).  Though I knew the spout was used for her "changeability", I also knew it was for other things, like...we'll just say...elimination!  Once again, my mind registered...SKUNK.  So I backed up again!  Fighting the desire to pick her up and play with her as I did my own children when they were that age, I noticed some discoloration near the back of her right ankle.  As I zoomed in, my mind registered FECES!  I thought, Oh, sh**!  This can't be good!  By now, I was ready to duck and cover.   I thought the kid was going to blow!!! As I looked for shelter, I realized we were inside a building that looked like a preschool.  Suddenly, she began moving swiftly toward the door.  She knew she had to go, but knew not to "go" where there were other children.  She made it outside and I watched as she dropped her load a few short feet from the door.  I won't go into too much detail, but there was something about the consistency of it that made it stand out in my mind.  It was as if it was more mucous than feces, but I didn't have time to investigate.  As my mind once again began to register...go ahead...say it with me...SKUNK...I knew I had to get the hell up out of there!  Skunk/sh**/mucous? Not even in a dream would I want to know what that smelled like!  I have NEVER been THAT curious about ANYTHING!  So I woke up.

The dream was a warning to me about the females around me.  There are several who want to be close friends of mine, so they present themselves as kind and gentle spirits, but they're not.  If I get taken in by how they present themselves, I won't see what they really are and they will sh** on me!  They can't help what they are, and I don't judge them for it, but by the same token, I can't ignore the truth.  So here's my question: how many times do we see the warning signs in a situation, but ignore them and get involved with people we know we shouldn't be with in spite of what we know about them?  Another question: Is "friendship" ever really worth the cost of it?  What about relationship?  I know that fairytales have taught us that there is a happily-ever-after, but I just don't know how that could be possible if your here-and-now is so messed up!  If I have bad feet, wearing pretty shoes to cover them up will NOT make my problem go away.   Seeing a podiatrist, however, might do the trick!  If my hygiene is bad, new clothes are not going to help me.  However, washing my parts might help me as well as others who have to be close enough to breath in my fumes! Covering funk with new clothes only makes the problem worse, because pretty clothes lead others to assume my hygiene is good.  Once they get a whiff of the stench, my business will be spread all over the place with comments like, "Her clothes are nice, but have you ever noticed how she smells?" or "She dresses nicely, but someone ought to talk to her about her hygiene" or "*&%^%^&#$##@ she stank!" And finally...if my life sucks, finding someone to marry is not going to make it better.  I could marry the greatest man on earth, but because of my mindset and my messed up ways, the marriage will not succeed.  Good doesn't automatically make bad better; personal commitment to grow does.  If your life sucks, you need to change the way you think before bringing in anyone else, and if you absolutely must bring in someone...try a counselor or a very, very wise, mature friend who is willing to help you with your clothes on! Here's why...

As a man, you're not designed to make it through life on your own.  You need help.  Adam and Eve.  Enough said.  As a woman, you're not supposed to do what Eve did, but if you want your relationship to succeed or to be healthy on any level, you absolutely have to do what Eve was supposed to do: hold your man down (support him mentally, spiritually and emotionally) as he does what he's supposed to do with his life.  He's supposed to walk with God EVERYDAY, for in that walk, he's learning what he's needs to know to keep you safe mentally, spiritually, and physically.  Remember that God is not who the religious people say He is.  They tell themselves whatever they have to tell themselves to get away with all of the foolishness that goes on in today's "church".  God is absolute truth, intelligence and integrity, so your man is supposed to be able to walk uprightly and with dignity.  If as with Eve, you become possessive of his time away from you, ideas for ways to get him spend more time with you will pop into your head, and you will cause him to die.  If a man doesn't grow or mature, as with anything else, he will die young.  Maybe not physically, but spiritually, which means he will not be happy, and will therefore be unable to encourage your happiness together.  He will not have the energy, the know-how, the desire or the will to be the man he needs to be.  That's why couples fight so much.  Its because neither of them really how to navigate this thing called life, so they get in each other's way...and on each other's nerves!

But if you do what a woman is created to do (which is NOT nagging, and you'd be surprised at how far silence will go), you will not have time to sit around waiting for him to come home and be your entertainment until he leaves again the next day.  Oh, my bad.  You're that one who leaves him at home playing video games while you go out, work and gather food? Okay, YOU, I will judge!  Stop emasculating that man (cutting off his manhood---making him a punk)!  A boy sits home and plays video games while he waits for his mama to come home and cook or bring food!  If you make him a boy, or allow him to be a boy, you can't get mad at him for acting like a child!  But trust and believe, he will hate you deep down inside for it.  When a man is not being a man, nobody knows that better than he does!! If you allow him to get away with it, he will lose all respect for you!! And that goes for you, too, Mom.  If you don't require your son to be  man, he will look for a woman he can respect.  It's the order of life.  Man absolutely has to respect woman.  If that's not the order in your world, then that's what's wrong with your life!! It's as simple as that.  And maybe that started with your parents, but someone has to be willing to break the cycle.  Man needs to respect woman.  Children need to be able to respect someone older.  Imagine yourself a child in a classroom with a weak teacher...enough said.

So stop being the woe of man and become the woman in his life.  A woe-man possesses the power to destroy a man, and she will naturally cause him to self-destruct.  A woman is the step before becoming a wife--a woman married to truth, intelligence and integrity, a.k.a. God, who should never, ever be confused with the bishop, the pastor, the religion or the church you attend.  God, who shows up in your honest, integral, intellectual thoughts--which means you have to think things through instead of behaving in a certain way in order to get to Heaven-- is where she gets the wisdom to be the strength behind her successful man.  And a man who findeth a wife findeth a good thing...