"If the world is constantly turning, how is it that most of us are standing still?"
If you are a physics buff, you'll answer that question with an explanation of Newton's laws of gravity/motion, but it's not that kind of question. If your life is moving forward, why aren't you? How can you be ten years older than you were in 2002, and still be wearing the same hairstyle? I can answer that one because I have been wearing a short cut since 1995! I like my short haircut. It's very becoming on me, and nobody rocks it like I do! :) So it's not that kind of question, either. Well, not exactly. The real question is about your happiness; your growth. If I were unhappy with my haircut, then there would be need for change; but I'm not unhappy with it at all. In fact, I still love it! But...if I were unhappy, I would have changed it a long time ago. Going to the short haircut was what I did in honor of my new life after my divorce. I changed who I had become because I needed to be someone different. Now I'm happy. Are you?
If you're not, something in your life needs to change. Be careful not to fix what isn't broken, though. Fix what isn't working for you. Someone said to me the other day, "I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel." My response was, "then stop looking at the ground! Tunnels are underground; there is no light there. Look up. Find the sun. See the light of day for the first time in years. Do something you've never done before that won't hurt you or anybody else." Because this was a female, I suggested, "buy a pair of eyelashes and put them on." She thought I was nuts and vehemently refused to do that. I told her, "you refuse because you've talked so harshly about the women who are wearing them, but guess what... Nobody cared when you were talking about them for wearing false eyelashes, so you don't have to care when others like the old you talk about you for doing the same. Eyelashes are harmless fun."
And it's true. No one having fun really cares when miserable people talk about them for doing what they enjoy. Those people are called "haters", and they have their place in society. People having fun enjoy haters. After all, where would any of us be without them? Better the hatED than the hatER, because they only hate the fact that they are not you! Haters remind us that we're at the top, and besides, they rarely tell you about their criticisms; they only tell other people. You don't even have to hear it. The fact of the matter is that when you change, so will your social group. The haters will stay haters and you will become a congratulator! Then you'll look back at the old you and thank God for change! You'll see just how UGLY misery really is.
Don't stand still while the world is turning. As the world turns, days become nights and nights become days. That means that time is passing. If time is passing, you're getting older. So wear that mini skirt or those skorts before the cellulite catches up with you, and please...if it's too late, wear some jeans! If the cellulite has hit you, change your hairdo instead of your skirt length, or buy a different brand of make-up. Stop wearing Jean Nate, Tatiana, Chloe, Red Door, Versace, or Channel No. 5, and try that Michael Kors Original Scent or the MK Gold! (I purposely left out J'Adore because I still love that one! Okay, so I'm biased.) Splurge and buy that B. Makowski bag or that Bodhi. OR...
...put down that Hermes; you probably can't afford it any more anyway! Now just because you're buying it doesn't mean you can afford it! You bought that Hermes knowing you're hoping your girlfriends don't ask you out or if they do, they will so graciously pick up the tab! Go on and buy that Nine West so your daughter can go to summer camp with her friends this year! Or better yet, put that Louis Vuitton down and pay your mortgage on time!
Seriously, if the world is turning, your life should be evolving. It doesn't matter whether you're going up to the Louis V's or coming down to the Nine West. Grow into the best person you can be at this time. Lessen your stress by being your best. Strengthen your ties by opening your eyes...and seeing what's right in front of you. You only have one life to live, so live it to the fullest!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Sex: Your Drug of Choice?
"LADIES: If you want your strength in tact, don't let the spear pierce your armor.
GENTS: If you want your strength in tact, don't pierce the armor before its time, tarnishing the head of your spear."
Strength is the result of standing down difficulty. Weakness is what happens when you run away instead. Typically when you run away from something, you've got to run to something, which only aids you in your weakness. Anything used to aid you in weakness will have addictive properties. Usually when we think of addiction, we think of drugs, alcohol, and occasionally gambling. But indiscriminate sex is as addictive as any drug. Like marijuana, it can cause psychological addiction and interfere with your mental processes, causing antisocial behavior. If you're an addict, just the smell of it will get you going. Like alcohol, it can build up tolerance, causing the user to consume more and more to get the previous effects. It can quickly become the whole focus of your life, and before you know it, you're unable to quit--even when you think you can. Like cocaine, it stimulates the brain to provide pleasurable feelings. Done right, it can bring on mood fluctuations, panic attacks and even paranoia. Like heroin, getting more of it becomes a daily goal, causing you to sacrifice family, friends, job, savings, and other important things in your life. It can also bring on diseases like AIDS and hepatitis. Kicking the habit may require professional intervention, and finally, like crack...it kills!
What all these addictive substances have in common is the user: a person who is running away from his/her reality. Like all other drugs, when casual sex is used for this purpose, addictive behaviors spring up and an addict is born. In tough times, people turn to very basic behaviors in order to soothe their pain or to get away from it. Sex is a very basic act for most because it doesn't take rocket science to figure out what to do--at least not for most, so don't get defensive. I know you might disagree with that last statement, and you're talking to the computer as if it were me, saying that I don't know what goes on in your bedroom. Okay. My bad. If you're a little challenged, it may not be as simple as I'm making it seem. For you, it can get a little complicated at times, but really, it's very simple: Groove. Protrusion.
No, seriously. Too many people turn to casual sex as they run away from their day, not ever considering the most dangerous of its consequences, because people are unaware of what those consequences are. Sex is an exchange of spirit; whatever you go down with, you come up as. You sleep with someone, and before you know it, your issues will have multiplied without you ever seeing or knowing what happened. (If a baby is born as a result of the union, the child will be a mixture of all of the issues involved. We all have family members who act so much like one of his parents that you'd almost swear it was a reincarnation. Some of us have our own "mini-me's", so you know what I'm talking about. What's worse, most of us know a family member or two who looks and acts just like someone who is not the father. Y'all know Little Joe looks just like Cousin Robbie or Big Joe's best friend, Sammy. That's why Joe's wife is always, always, pointing out how much "he looks/acts just like his daddy". (Pay attention to how many time she says that at the next family reunion!) Not only does he look like the other dude, but he acts just like the guy's mama. That's because babies are results of spiritual DNA, too! Ya'll know Pookie acts just like them Jacksons!)
If you're using indiscriminate sex as a means of running away, STOP. It's not helping. It's only making your situation worse. Like any other drug, it will take you away for the moment, but it will weaken your mind, leaving you wanting more. If your mind is weakened, you will not be able to effectively deal with whatever you're running from, and you won't want to as long as your drug is readily available. If you're running from something, that "something" is going to be there when you eventually stop--worse than before, but still there. So stop running. Face whatever it is, deal with it, then have all the healthy sex you want!
GENTS: If you want your strength in tact, don't pierce the armor before its time, tarnishing the head of your spear."
Strength is the result of standing down difficulty. Weakness is what happens when you run away instead. Typically when you run away from something, you've got to run to something, which only aids you in your weakness. Anything used to aid you in weakness will have addictive properties. Usually when we think of addiction, we think of drugs, alcohol, and occasionally gambling. But indiscriminate sex is as addictive as any drug. Like marijuana, it can cause psychological addiction and interfere with your mental processes, causing antisocial behavior. If you're an addict, just the smell of it will get you going. Like alcohol, it can build up tolerance, causing the user to consume more and more to get the previous effects. It can quickly become the whole focus of your life, and before you know it, you're unable to quit--even when you think you can. Like cocaine, it stimulates the brain to provide pleasurable feelings. Done right, it can bring on mood fluctuations, panic attacks and even paranoia. Like heroin, getting more of it becomes a daily goal, causing you to sacrifice family, friends, job, savings, and other important things in your life. It can also bring on diseases like AIDS and hepatitis. Kicking the habit may require professional intervention, and finally, like crack...it kills!
What all these addictive substances have in common is the user: a person who is running away from his/her reality. Like all other drugs, when casual sex is used for this purpose, addictive behaviors spring up and an addict is born. In tough times, people turn to very basic behaviors in order to soothe their pain or to get away from it. Sex is a very basic act for most because it doesn't take rocket science to figure out what to do--at least not for most, so don't get defensive. I know you might disagree with that last statement, and you're talking to the computer as if it were me, saying that I don't know what goes on in your bedroom. Okay. My bad. If you're a little challenged, it may not be as simple as I'm making it seem. For you, it can get a little complicated at times, but really, it's very simple: Groove. Protrusion.
No, seriously. Too many people turn to casual sex as they run away from their day, not ever considering the most dangerous of its consequences, because people are unaware of what those consequences are. Sex is an exchange of spirit; whatever you go down with, you come up as. You sleep with someone, and before you know it, your issues will have multiplied without you ever seeing or knowing what happened. (If a baby is born as a result of the union, the child will be a mixture of all of the issues involved. We all have family members who act so much like one of his parents that you'd almost swear it was a reincarnation. Some of us have our own "mini-me's", so you know what I'm talking about. What's worse, most of us know a family member or two who looks and acts just like someone who is not the father. Y'all know Little Joe looks just like Cousin Robbie or Big Joe's best friend, Sammy. That's why Joe's wife is always, always, pointing out how much "he looks/acts just like his daddy". (Pay attention to how many time she says that at the next family reunion!) Not only does he look like the other dude, but he acts just like the guy's mama. That's because babies are results of spiritual DNA, too! Ya'll know Pookie acts just like them Jacksons!)
If you're using indiscriminate sex as a means of running away, STOP. It's not helping. It's only making your situation worse. Like any other drug, it will take you away for the moment, but it will weaken your mind, leaving you wanting more. If your mind is weakened, you will not be able to effectively deal with whatever you're running from, and you won't want to as long as your drug is readily available. If you're running from something, that "something" is going to be there when you eventually stop--worse than before, but still there. So stop running. Face whatever it is, deal with it, then have all the healthy sex you want!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
To Hate is Natural
"People who judge don't matter, and people who matter don't judge."
Tonight I went to see Tyler Perry's new movie, Good Deeds. I tried not to be biased toward the movie because I have a real affinity for Tyler. Well, I really liked it. I believe this golden hearted man is trying to make a social difference with his work, and I can appreciate that. Because I believe this, I went to his board to leave him a message. OMG! There was a video posted that ended on a good note, but started out terribly. It began with a compilation of criticisms of the man from other people in his industry. I was mortified at first, but then I was quickly reminded of the human condition. That reminder became the focus of this blog.
All of us, at one time or another, have been concerned about how others view us. Many will say that they don't care what others think of them, but that's truly a crock. None of us like to be torn down or cruelly criticized. It's always hurtful, because that's usually the intent. There are many reasons why people will go to such lengths to make another feel like crap--most commonly hatred, envy and jealously. The truth of the matter is that this is really the human condition. It's natural for others to feel hatred or jealously when they feel outdone or beaten--even when the competition doesn't know they're the competition! For Mr. Perry, most of his critics are, sadly, African American men around his age. I remember watching a documentary a couple of years ago where Spike Lee ("coonery bafoonery." What mature man says that? PeeWee Herman?), Terence Howard, Malcolm Jamaal Warner, and others in his industry tried to crucify him for creating the and acting out the Madea character. My immediate response was anger at them because I didn't understand why they had to be so incredibly harsh. When I came out of the anger, I remembered that it's really natural for people to strike out at one whose physical description resembles theirs if their success doesn't. It's hard not to be harsh when you've worked so hard, achieving only mediocre or moderate success in comparison to someone who, in your mind, hasn't worked as hard as you but can run rings around you with their achievements. Keep in mind that the human heart is NATURALLY evil. It takes a person to rise above basic humanness and transcend spiritually to avoid ending up in a place where you can actually celebrate your peer's success. Without this transcendence, jealousy and envy will consume you. (If you don't think so, imagine what you would call your next door neighbor after learning he/she won $100 million in the lottery. Or imagine a peer being randomly given a major promotion/raise while you're struggling to make ends meet. How about your best single girlfriend meeting Blair Underwood, Sean Connery, Boris Kojoe, George Clooney, Usher, Richard Gere, Laz Alonzo, Adam Rodriguez, some other hottie, or even Mr. Tyler Perry himself, and running off and getting married! Or if you're a guy, Gabrielle Union, Jennifer Aniston, Nia Long, Vanessa Williams, Heather Locklear, Beverly Johnson, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lopez, Charlize Theron, or Oprah Winfrey. Bet that green-eyed monster will rear it's ugly head before she'd be able to finish gloating about her new last name!
So what does it mean to transcend? It means to grow up and mature from the inside. It means to have an experience that will take you to the depths of the earth where you will drop off all that's superficial in your life and exchange them for things that are not so temporal. There, you will learn what really matter in life, and trust and believe, it's not going to be shiny cars, big houses, nice clothes and pretty eyes! You will learn that the things in life that matter are the things that help you and others to grow: love, peace, joy, goodness, patience, kindness, self-control, obedience to God, etc. (That doesn't mean that you won't want nice shiny things; it just means they won't be as important to you!)
If you look in your mirror and don't like what you see, you will naturally dislike anyone who looks better. If you are unhappy with yourself, you will not be able to truly be happy for anyone living larger than you, and you're straight up lying if you say you can, because that IS the human condition. But don't fret; there is a solution. Work on being happy with yourself and stay out of everyone else's lane until you get to your finish line. (That way you'll be able to cheer them on instead of trip them up!) Identify the things about you that you'd like to change, then change them. If you can't change them, find the good in them and accept them. Be honest with yourself. If you have a big nose, think of how cute you'd think you were if you didn't, and how no one would be able to stand the sight of your arrogant self! Then appreciate the real humility/compassion you're able to show because you're not so caught up on your looks. Think of how without the muscular build of the guy you're hating on, you're more brains than brawn and can be a family man instead of an Arnold Schwarzenegger. Think about how high you'd wear your skirts if your waistline were as small (and your belly as flat) as the woman you find yourself hating on, and how much you'd hate yourself the next morning when you realized you used that waistline for all the wrong reasons--and now he won't go home! Think of all the money you'd waste on stupid stuff if you had the kind of job your friend has, making the kind of money he does, and how your humble salary affords the home that keeps your family together. If you didn't get that college degree and had kids instead, think of what a lousy exec you would have made anyway and be a better mother/father to your children! If you didn't get that promotion at work, think about the things you are able to do that the new hours would have kept you away from--and how much sleep you're getting. When you look out at the skinny b**** across the street, remember she's hungry as hell; you're not! What she wouldn't do for a real biscuit. Sitting over there eating crackers and sh..., dying for a cheeseburger with extra pickles and extra sauce! For everything bad, there's a flip side that's good. You just have to stop wallowing in the bad and flip it over!
Bottom line: If you hate yourself, you're going to naturally hate other people. If you hate something about yourself, you're going to hate others who don't have that issue. If you're not where you want to be in life, you're going to despise others who are there, unless you do something about it. Grow up. Put your big girl/boy drawls on and do what other grown folks do: move and shake some things around in your life and make something good happen for yourself. Do you. Stop sitting around hating yourself and others, and go out and get yours. Truly, the only thing stopping you is you (and all those excuses you keep making). Much to the chagrin of his haters, Mr. Perry got his, so go out and see his movie! I think you'll really enjoy it--unless, of course, you're a hater!
Tonight I went to see Tyler Perry's new movie, Good Deeds. I tried not to be biased toward the movie because I have a real affinity for Tyler. Well, I really liked it. I believe this golden hearted man is trying to make a social difference with his work, and I can appreciate that. Because I believe this, I went to his board to leave him a message. OMG! There was a video posted that ended on a good note, but started out terribly. It began with a compilation of criticisms of the man from other people in his industry. I was mortified at first, but then I was quickly reminded of the human condition. That reminder became the focus of this blog.
All of us, at one time or another, have been concerned about how others view us. Many will say that they don't care what others think of them, but that's truly a crock. None of us like to be torn down or cruelly criticized. It's always hurtful, because that's usually the intent. There are many reasons why people will go to such lengths to make another feel like crap--most commonly hatred, envy and jealously. The truth of the matter is that this is really the human condition. It's natural for others to feel hatred or jealously when they feel outdone or beaten--even when the competition doesn't know they're the competition! For Mr. Perry, most of his critics are, sadly, African American men around his age. I remember watching a documentary a couple of years ago where Spike Lee ("coonery bafoonery." What mature man says that? PeeWee Herman?), Terence Howard, Malcolm Jamaal Warner, and others in his industry tried to crucify him for creating the and acting out the Madea character. My immediate response was anger at them because I didn't understand why they had to be so incredibly harsh. When I came out of the anger, I remembered that it's really natural for people to strike out at one whose physical description resembles theirs if their success doesn't. It's hard not to be harsh when you've worked so hard, achieving only mediocre or moderate success in comparison to someone who, in your mind, hasn't worked as hard as you but can run rings around you with their achievements. Keep in mind that the human heart is NATURALLY evil. It takes a person to rise above basic humanness and transcend spiritually to avoid ending up in a place where you can actually celebrate your peer's success. Without this transcendence, jealousy and envy will consume you. (If you don't think so, imagine what you would call your next door neighbor after learning he/she won $100 million in the lottery. Or imagine a peer being randomly given a major promotion/raise while you're struggling to make ends meet. How about your best single girlfriend meeting Blair Underwood, Sean Connery, Boris Kojoe, George Clooney, Usher, Richard Gere, Laz Alonzo, Adam Rodriguez, some other hottie, or even Mr. Tyler Perry himself, and running off and getting married! Or if you're a guy, Gabrielle Union, Jennifer Aniston, Nia Long, Vanessa Williams, Heather Locklear, Beverly Johnson, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lopez, Charlize Theron, or Oprah Winfrey. Bet that green-eyed monster will rear it's ugly head before she'd be able to finish gloating about her new last name!
So what does it mean to transcend? It means to grow up and mature from the inside. It means to have an experience that will take you to the depths of the earth where you will drop off all that's superficial in your life and exchange them for things that are not so temporal. There, you will learn what really matter in life, and trust and believe, it's not going to be shiny cars, big houses, nice clothes and pretty eyes! You will learn that the things in life that matter are the things that help you and others to grow: love, peace, joy, goodness, patience, kindness, self-control, obedience to God, etc. (That doesn't mean that you won't want nice shiny things; it just means they won't be as important to you!)
If you look in your mirror and don't like what you see, you will naturally dislike anyone who looks better. If you are unhappy with yourself, you will not be able to truly be happy for anyone living larger than you, and you're straight up lying if you say you can, because that IS the human condition. But don't fret; there is a solution. Work on being happy with yourself and stay out of everyone else's lane until you get to your finish line. (That way you'll be able to cheer them on instead of trip them up!) Identify the things about you that you'd like to change, then change them. If you can't change them, find the good in them and accept them. Be honest with yourself. If you have a big nose, think of how cute you'd think you were if you didn't, and how no one would be able to stand the sight of your arrogant self! Then appreciate the real humility/compassion you're able to show because you're not so caught up on your looks. Think of how without the muscular build of the guy you're hating on, you're more brains than brawn and can be a family man instead of an Arnold Schwarzenegger. Think about how high you'd wear your skirts if your waistline were as small (and your belly as flat) as the woman you find yourself hating on, and how much you'd hate yourself the next morning when you realized you used that waistline for all the wrong reasons--and now he won't go home! Think of all the money you'd waste on stupid stuff if you had the kind of job your friend has, making the kind of money he does, and how your humble salary affords the home that keeps your family together. If you didn't get that college degree and had kids instead, think of what a lousy exec you would have made anyway and be a better mother/father to your children! If you didn't get that promotion at work, think about the things you are able to do that the new hours would have kept you away from--and how much sleep you're getting. When you look out at the skinny b**** across the street, remember she's hungry as hell; you're not! What she wouldn't do for a real biscuit. Sitting over there eating crackers and sh..., dying for a cheeseburger with extra pickles and extra sauce! For everything bad, there's a flip side that's good. You just have to stop wallowing in the bad and flip it over!
Bottom line: If you hate yourself, you're going to naturally hate other people. If you hate something about yourself, you're going to hate others who don't have that issue. If you're not where you want to be in life, you're going to despise others who are there, unless you do something about it. Grow up. Put your big girl/boy drawls on and do what other grown folks do: move and shake some things around in your life and make something good happen for yourself. Do you. Stop sitting around hating yourself and others, and go out and get yours. Truly, the only thing stopping you is you (and all those excuses you keep making). Much to the chagrin of his haters, Mr. Perry got his, so go out and see his movie! I think you'll really enjoy it--unless, of course, you're a hater!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
What's My Name
"It's not what they call you, it's how you answer."
Okay, let's face it. We live in a society where people use slurs and epithets even when joking. So why are we so sensitive about them still? It's not what they call you, it's how you answer. If I heard someone say "Bitch", I'm not going to go screaming into the night about it. Why not? Because that's not my name! I don't have to respond every time I hear that word--as if it were on my birth certificate or something! I'm not going to whine or cry about it being degrading to women, either. The truth of the matter is that when I get mad enough, whether I'm talking to a male or a female, that person is more than likely going to be called that. Either to their face or behind their backs. I use it so I can't act all butt hurt when I hear someone else using it. We all name call to some degree or another. Okay, so you're not the person to use that particular word, but you use some equivalent--not because it doesn't mean the same thing to you, but rather so you can say you don't use the "B" word. It's the same thing! It's not what you say; it's what you mean! It's not what other people say; it's what it means to you. So let's stop letting the vulgarity of other people mean more to us than it should. The fact of the matter is that others can say whatever they want; they shouldn't be able to control you or your behavior with trigger words. You should be beyond that. The real control is in how you react to what's been said. If you really want to tick the person off, smile. Laugh at them. Don't give them the control they want when they utter an ignorant sound. If you remember that you do it, too, at times, it will help to take the sting out of those words that have negative connotations.
Learn from Kobe Bryant. When he was fined for using a "gay slur", he took it like a man. It was a common slur, not intended by him to mean "gay", but more a buzz word to tell the ref he was irritated with him. The only thing on Kobe's mind was basketball--everybody knows that. But what I truly like about how he handled the situation was that Kobe didn't let the media have their way with his life. He used it, acknowledged it, then went back to the business of playing basketball. For that, I admire the man. Kobe handled his business and went on. As a result, there were no breaks in his life because of it. He knew he said it, the media and gay rights activists tried to run with it, but Kobe remained in control of the situation. He didn't respond like they wanted him to. He never meant it to hurt anyone gay and he didn't let them exploit him for saying it. Big ups, Kobe. He wasn't talking to or about anyone gay when he said it, so when the gay rights activists tried to answer to it, their remarks went unreturned. Kobe didn't answer them because he wasn't talking to any one gay.
Females, when you hear the "B" word, only answer if you feel like that's your name. Black folk, when you hear the "n" word, don't always respond like nig*** means black. It doesn't. It means trash, so let's stop claiming that word. It isn't ours, so how about we finally give it back?
It's not what they call you, it's how you answer. If someone is looking you dead in your face and calling out a name that's not yours, do you answer? If not, stop answering to those other names that aren't yours unless you're looking for a little drama, and if you're just looking to be dramatic, then you get what you get! Stop answering to names that don't belong to you! You'll find that your stress level will lower tremendously and it will help you to clear future mental space.
Okay, let's face it. We live in a society where people use slurs and epithets even when joking. So why are we so sensitive about them still? It's not what they call you, it's how you answer. If I heard someone say "Bitch", I'm not going to go screaming into the night about it. Why not? Because that's not my name! I don't have to respond every time I hear that word--as if it were on my birth certificate or something! I'm not going to whine or cry about it being degrading to women, either. The truth of the matter is that when I get mad enough, whether I'm talking to a male or a female, that person is more than likely going to be called that. Either to their face or behind their backs. I use it so I can't act all butt hurt when I hear someone else using it. We all name call to some degree or another. Okay, so you're not the person to use that particular word, but you use some equivalent--not because it doesn't mean the same thing to you, but rather so you can say you don't use the "B" word. It's the same thing! It's not what you say; it's what you mean! It's not what other people say; it's what it means to you. So let's stop letting the vulgarity of other people mean more to us than it should. The fact of the matter is that others can say whatever they want; they shouldn't be able to control you or your behavior with trigger words. You should be beyond that. The real control is in how you react to what's been said. If you really want to tick the person off, smile. Laugh at them. Don't give them the control they want when they utter an ignorant sound. If you remember that you do it, too, at times, it will help to take the sting out of those words that have negative connotations.
Learn from Kobe Bryant. When he was fined for using a "gay slur", he took it like a man. It was a common slur, not intended by him to mean "gay", but more a buzz word to tell the ref he was irritated with him. The only thing on Kobe's mind was basketball--everybody knows that. But what I truly like about how he handled the situation was that Kobe didn't let the media have their way with his life. He used it, acknowledged it, then went back to the business of playing basketball. For that, I admire the man. Kobe handled his business and went on. As a result, there were no breaks in his life because of it. He knew he said it, the media and gay rights activists tried to run with it, but Kobe remained in control of the situation. He didn't respond like they wanted him to. He never meant it to hurt anyone gay and he didn't let them exploit him for saying it. Big ups, Kobe. He wasn't talking to or about anyone gay when he said it, so when the gay rights activists tried to answer to it, their remarks went unreturned. Kobe didn't answer them because he wasn't talking to any one gay.
Females, when you hear the "B" word, only answer if you feel like that's your name. Black folk, when you hear the "n" word, don't always respond like nig*** means black. It doesn't. It means trash, so let's stop claiming that word. It isn't ours, so how about we finally give it back?
It's not what they call you, it's how you answer. If someone is looking you dead in your face and calling out a name that's not yours, do you answer? If not, stop answering to those other names that aren't yours unless you're looking for a little drama, and if you're just looking to be dramatic, then you get what you get! Stop answering to names that don't belong to you! You'll find that your stress level will lower tremendously and it will help you to clear future mental space.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
What Were They Thinking?
"A man is exactly what he thinks."
Sometimes I look around me and wonder what the heck those who were responsible for shaping our society were thinking a couple of generations ago. If a man is what he thinks, what were the lawmakers who came up with the ordinances and bills that govern our current society? Every once in a while, life gets to be a bit ridiculous for me and I have to rant. When that happens, I will add a "What Were They Thinking?" blog. This is one of those times, so here goes:
Whose idea was it to take discipline out of the hands of parents? If that wasn't enough, these same people took God and paddling, along with just about every other kind of boundary out of the schools, leaving total discipline in the hands of the parents who don't have much more leverage than the teachers do? Who is disciplining America's kids? What were they thinking? Belief in someone or something bigger than you is what keeps people in line. These are the things that provide boundaries necessary for the proper growth of human beings--mentally as well as physically. Where boundaries exist, self-control is promoted and maturity is nurtured. Without them, loss of self-control is inevitable (read The Lord of The Flies By William Golding). Because children LACK the natural ability to control themselves, adults have been historically responsible for them. Adults are responsible for introducing to children the societal rules of control that develop self-controlin the younger generation. Now that most of the control has been removed from all adults in nearly every situation, who is helping the children to know their boundaries? Without boundaries, there can be no balance, so if you remove the necessary boundaries from the lives of children, the end result will be people--children and adults alike--who are imbalanced. If you think this doesn't make sense, go to a mall and pay attention to the interactions between today's parents and their offspring. You will see many exasperated parents with crying, screaming, out of control children because most parents lack good skills and, what's worse, are afraid to discipline--especially in public.
If that doesn't do it for you, talk to your local pharmacist about the number of anti-anxiety, anti-depressant, chemical balancing prescriptions they are filling each month. You will find that there are more psychotropic medications ( those affecting the mind, emotions and behavior) being distributed now than ever before. Proponents of medical maintenance will say that there are disorders in existence now that hadn't been discovered in the past. As someone who worked in mental health professions for years, I can tell you that it's the lack of mental safeguards that should be instilled in children by their parents and caregivers (including teachers) at an early age, and that if parents aren't willing to set boundaries for their children, they will have to buy drugs that will.
Imbalanced children just grow up to be imbalanced adults. "No" in the life of a child is as important as "yes". It provides balance. Reprimand is as important as encouragement. Punishment is as important as reward. Without balance, it doesn't matter who you are, how much you make, what color your skin is, the affluence of your neighborhood, where you work or what you own, your children will pay a hefty spiritual, mental and/or emotional price! ADD/ADHD--Attention Deficit (Hyperactivity) Disorder: who was not paying attention to their children's needs and how far down through the generations has this gone? In every case, with a little investigation, it can be discovered that someone dropped the ball. Spiritual/mental/emotional disturbance is what happens when a person's mind fragments or breaks down. A person's mind fragments when he/she feels unsafe--fear and uncertainty are major culprits here. When a person feels unsafe, he/she will reach for whatever he/she believes will bring security--real or make-believe; in the physical realm or the spirit realm. In older children and adults, that security may come in a glass or prescription bottle. It may come prescribed or sold on the streets. For far too many, security comes when there is an escape from reality.
Before medicating yourself or your children, pay attention! Set some boundaries. The sooner the better. If you don't feel you can, solicit help from someone you can trust--someone who has demonstrated know how in childrearing.
I think the people who were instrumental in taking control out of the hands of the parents thought it was the right thing to do, but who were they? What did they think? Did the think the rest of us had nannies like they did? Because whoever they were, they were obviously NOT raising their own children. Now ours are messed up! (yea, yea, I know there are people out their who have perfect children unaffected by our messed up society. Find out what your children are doing when you're not around! Even if your system of parenting is flawless, your children are being forced to grow up in a flawed society. Not only that, they have genes and bloodlines that you don't know everything about! ALL were born in sin and shaped in iniquity. Don't be so smug, thinking that your kids are perfect. There's no such thing.
From Reflections to Dreams to Legacies
"If I could look at you and see my reflection, who would you want me to be?"
I have two questions for you. Number one: If you could choose your parents, who would they be? Some of us would jump at the chance to pick different parents; others of us would not change a thing, but remember that YOU are a combination of the spirits of both parents. That's like saying that you are a combination of your parents' personalities, so be careful who you choose. Also know that neither parent will know anything about this, so you can be totally honest. Why would you choose these two people? Which of their traits would you want and why? Your honesty with yourself in answering these questions will be relevant for your answer to the next one: If your children could choose their parents, would they have you as a parent again? (If you don't have children, would any child choose you for a parent?) Think about the legacy you want to leave for your children?
It's so important to take a look at who you are and what you want for your future BEFORE you make those major decisions that change your life. For far too many of the things we end up doing in our lifetime, so many of us are unprepared--simply because we don't really know ourselves, nor do we think about major life changes before we make them. The problem with that is that we don't often know how to handle those changes and we have absolutely no sense of where to even begin! Then everything happens by trial and error--mostly ERROR! For example, it's the norm nowadays to just end up as a baby mama or a baby daddy and then have to deal with parenting the child with no idea of what to do. How many people do you know who really took the time to get to know the person he/she had children with or even married? Of all those people, how many have lives you wouldn't mind living? In other words, how many of them handled well the major life changes they made?
In a world where there is so much tragedy and travesty, you'd think people would take the time to do some investigating before they share their DNA, but that is not happening. I'm not even sure people realize they can investigate before entering into a permanent situation with another human being. So I'm here to tell you: PEOPLE, STOP SITTING AROUND WAITING TO BE SCOOPED UP BY ANY SEEMINGLY AVAILABLE PERSON WHO COMES ALONG!! Investigate. Investigate. Investigate. Know who you're getting involved with. And, for Heaven's sake, stop sharing your DNA with strangers! Stop having children with folks all willy nilly! Your child has to live with the fact that the DNA you chose for him might be defunct! We need to get back to a place where children can be proud of their heritage. In doing so, we'll end up back at a place where people will love themselves and have higher self esteem. In doing that, we'll get back to a place where children can safely play outside. With that happening, people will become more neighborly and be kinder to one another...
...there I go again, dreaming of that place that our ancestors dreamed of. But I'm not going to stop. I am a dreamer, and am proud of that fact. Maybe if I persist, you'll start dreaming, too. And if you dream, others around you will dream. Before you know it, lots of people will be dreaming, and little by little, one by one, it will catch on like wild fire and spread from house to house, neighborhood to neighborhood, city to city, state to state, country to country. I like dreaming because it's contagious. It makes my children look at me and not be afraid to dream their own dreams...
Don't be afraid to dream, and when you do dream, dream big because dreams are what make reality happen. Reality happens, then life flows smoothly...until people stop dreaming. So, in order to make life great again, we need people to dream. What's the matter? Can't think of what to dream? Dream of what you want your children to be proud of--even if they are now grown. After all, that's what real legacies are made of.
I have two questions for you. Number one: If you could choose your parents, who would they be? Some of us would jump at the chance to pick different parents; others of us would not change a thing, but remember that YOU are a combination of the spirits of both parents. That's like saying that you are a combination of your parents' personalities, so be careful who you choose. Also know that neither parent will know anything about this, so you can be totally honest. Why would you choose these two people? Which of their traits would you want and why? Your honesty with yourself in answering these questions will be relevant for your answer to the next one: If your children could choose their parents, would they have you as a parent again? (If you don't have children, would any child choose you for a parent?) Think about the legacy you want to leave for your children?
It's so important to take a look at who you are and what you want for your future BEFORE you make those major decisions that change your life. For far too many of the things we end up doing in our lifetime, so many of us are unprepared--simply because we don't really know ourselves, nor do we think about major life changes before we make them. The problem with that is that we don't often know how to handle those changes and we have absolutely no sense of where to even begin! Then everything happens by trial and error--mostly ERROR! For example, it's the norm nowadays to just end up as a baby mama or a baby daddy and then have to deal with parenting the child with no idea of what to do. How many people do you know who really took the time to get to know the person he/she had children with or even married? Of all those people, how many have lives you wouldn't mind living? In other words, how many of them handled well the major life changes they made?
In a world where there is so much tragedy and travesty, you'd think people would take the time to do some investigating before they share their DNA, but that is not happening. I'm not even sure people realize they can investigate before entering into a permanent situation with another human being. So I'm here to tell you: PEOPLE, STOP SITTING AROUND WAITING TO BE SCOOPED UP BY ANY SEEMINGLY AVAILABLE PERSON WHO COMES ALONG!! Investigate. Investigate. Investigate. Know who you're getting involved with. And, for Heaven's sake, stop sharing your DNA with strangers! Stop having children with folks all willy nilly! Your child has to live with the fact that the DNA you chose for him might be defunct! We need to get back to a place where children can be proud of their heritage. In doing so, we'll end up back at a place where people will love themselves and have higher self esteem. In doing that, we'll get back to a place where children can safely play outside. With that happening, people will become more neighborly and be kinder to one another...
...there I go again, dreaming of that place that our ancestors dreamed of. But I'm not going to stop. I am a dreamer, and am proud of that fact. Maybe if I persist, you'll start dreaming, too. And if you dream, others around you will dream. Before you know it, lots of people will be dreaming, and little by little, one by one, it will catch on like wild fire and spread from house to house, neighborhood to neighborhood, city to city, state to state, country to country. I like dreaming because it's contagious. It makes my children look at me and not be afraid to dream their own dreams...
Don't be afraid to dream, and when you do dream, dream big because dreams are what make reality happen. Reality happens, then life flows smoothly...until people stop dreaming. So, in order to make life great again, we need people to dream. What's the matter? Can't think of what to dream? Dream of what you want your children to be proud of--even if they are now grown. After all, that's what real legacies are made of.
Monday, February 20, 2012
You Are What You Dream
"If you dreamed a bad dream, sing a happy song. Don't start your day defeated."
Today I woke up feeling defeated. It was because I was dreaming that I had so many things to do that I couldn't possibly get it all done. I awakened exasperated. For a few minutes, I felt like I didn't have the strength or the energy to do what needed to be done. Then I remembered that it was just a dream, but the ugly feeling didn't go completely away. So before I thought about what my reality held, I began to sing, "I-have-pos-i-tive-en-er-gy! I-have-po-si-tive energy!" It took a couple of choruses before I could even remember anything positive about my world, but I persisted. I finally remembered something that had taken place about fifteen years ago. (Yeah, it was an old positive but old was as good as any in that moment!) Still it took a minute. By the time I was fully awake, I was feeling a little down but not totally exasperated. I held on to the memory from old and eventually went back to sleep since it was only four a.m. When I awakened again around six, I still felt heavy. By eight fifteen, I was feeling pretty flat with a bunch of negative memories and thoughts opportunistically waiting to pounce. All I needed to do was think on one of them, but I refused. Being prone to depression, I know what happens when I relive a negative memory. It will take me down instantly in a total TKO, and it will take me a few days to a few months to come out of it, so I avoid them at all costs. Not feeling it, I fought like hell to hold on to the positive. My son had to work this morning and I had to drop him off, so I decided to get up and get busy, rather than wallowing in what was trying to get me down. I got up and steamed his clothes for him (leave it to him, I'd wake up like this every morning--at least on the ones he has to work!). I got myself together then dropped him off. As I was exiting the freeway to get back home, Hezekiah Walker's Power Belongs To God" began to play on the iPod. Tears began streaming down my face as I remembered how things got done in my life. Not in my own strength, but in the power of the positive energy that's given to me every morning I get that new canvas to paint on (we talked about that in an earlier blog).The negativity began to lift as if someone were removing a body bandage from me. Then it all began to make sense.
How often, if ever, do you analyze your dreams? The dream state is an extension of your subconscious mind. It's where your thoughts from each day play out. If you have enough positive energy to get through them, you will wake up in a good place, possibly with the dream unnoticed. If not, you will wake up feeling whatever emotion played out in the dream. When we say, "I woke up on the wrong side of the bed", or "I woke up in a bad mood this morning", that really just means that your negative thoughts overtook the positive ones in your dream state. In reality, you woke up with some emotion coloring your canvas. If you don't take the time to recolor it, or ask for a new one, the dingy one you woke up with will taint the way you paint everything that happens in your day.
Pay attention to how you feel when you wake up each morning. Take control of your day by deciding whether or not you want that kind of day. If it's positive, go with it and enjoy! Spread a little cheer to everyone around you. Pay it forward. If not, decide how you want to feel and do what you need to do to get that feeling. If you can't carry a tune in a bucket, sing loudly in the shower. Laugh at yourself. (Of course, if the fact that you can't sing depresses you, do something else. Please.) If you have a favorite comedy on DVD, let it play while you prepare for your day. Reach for a great memory. Use pictures, music, or anything you have that will make you think of a time that made you laugh. It doesn't matter what you do to end up in that good place, but it's got to start with you deciding what your day is going to be like and refusing to feel defeated, scared, worried, anxious, heavy, stupid, inept, burdensome, poor, needy, etc., for the rest of YOUR day. The day belongs to you; do something memorable with it. Live a little, laugh a lot, and make something happen in your day that will help you smile as you lie die for sleep tonight.
Today I woke up feeling defeated. It was because I was dreaming that I had so many things to do that I couldn't possibly get it all done. I awakened exasperated. For a few minutes, I felt like I didn't have the strength or the energy to do what needed to be done. Then I remembered that it was just a dream, but the ugly feeling didn't go completely away. So before I thought about what my reality held, I began to sing, "I-have-pos-i-tive-en-er-gy! I-have-po-si-tive energy!" It took a couple of choruses before I could even remember anything positive about my world, but I persisted. I finally remembered something that had taken place about fifteen years ago. (Yeah, it was an old positive but old was as good as any in that moment!) Still it took a minute. By the time I was fully awake, I was feeling a little down but not totally exasperated. I held on to the memory from old and eventually went back to sleep since it was only four a.m. When I awakened again around six, I still felt heavy. By eight fifteen, I was feeling pretty flat with a bunch of negative memories and thoughts opportunistically waiting to pounce. All I needed to do was think on one of them, but I refused. Being prone to depression, I know what happens when I relive a negative memory. It will take me down instantly in a total TKO, and it will take me a few days to a few months to come out of it, so I avoid them at all costs. Not feeling it, I fought like hell to hold on to the positive. My son had to work this morning and I had to drop him off, so I decided to get up and get busy, rather than wallowing in what was trying to get me down. I got up and steamed his clothes for him (leave it to him, I'd wake up like this every morning--at least on the ones he has to work!). I got myself together then dropped him off. As I was exiting the freeway to get back home, Hezekiah Walker's Power Belongs To God" began to play on the iPod. Tears began streaming down my face as I remembered how things got done in my life. Not in my own strength, but in the power of the positive energy that's given to me every morning I get that new canvas to paint on (we talked about that in an earlier blog).The negativity began to lift as if someone were removing a body bandage from me. Then it all began to make sense.
How often, if ever, do you analyze your dreams? The dream state is an extension of your subconscious mind. It's where your thoughts from each day play out. If you have enough positive energy to get through them, you will wake up in a good place, possibly with the dream unnoticed. If not, you will wake up feeling whatever emotion played out in the dream. When we say, "I woke up on the wrong side of the bed", or "I woke up in a bad mood this morning", that really just means that your negative thoughts overtook the positive ones in your dream state. In reality, you woke up with some emotion coloring your canvas. If you don't take the time to recolor it, or ask for a new one, the dingy one you woke up with will taint the way you paint everything that happens in your day.
Pay attention to how you feel when you wake up each morning. Take control of your day by deciding whether or not you want that kind of day. If it's positive, go with it and enjoy! Spread a little cheer to everyone around you. Pay it forward. If not, decide how you want to feel and do what you need to do to get that feeling. If you can't carry a tune in a bucket, sing loudly in the shower. Laugh at yourself. (Of course, if the fact that you can't sing depresses you, do something else. Please.) If you have a favorite comedy on DVD, let it play while you prepare for your day. Reach for a great memory. Use pictures, music, or anything you have that will make you think of a time that made you laugh. It doesn't matter what you do to end up in that good place, but it's got to start with you deciding what your day is going to be like and refusing to feel defeated, scared, worried, anxious, heavy, stupid, inept, burdensome, poor, needy, etc., for the rest of YOUR day. The day belongs to you; do something memorable with it. Live a little, laugh a lot, and make something happen in your day that will help you smile as you lie die for sleep tonight.
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