"Just STOP!"
The thing about being a counselor by trade is that once people find out what you do for a living, or in my case did for a living, the "what-do-you-do-when" questions start pouring in. And they never stop. My answer to the question is usually, "stop doing what doesn't work; just stop!" Most will answer, "well, I can't just stop; I've tried and tried, but I just can't stop." Sure you can. You may not be able to stop on a dime, but you CAN just stop if you really want to. What I discovered years ago is that the reason most people can't stop is because they really don't want to. What they really want is what they want to happen to "just happen." It's a form of selfishness that most people don't recognize as selfishness. The desire for what you want is really all about you. It's your way of fixing what's broken on the inside of you. When you ask someone into a love situation, for example, you're asking them to help you to heal. That's what love is all about.
Here's an example. The other day, a woman asked me, "what do you do when you love a man who is in love with someone else?"
I said, "stop."
"What do you mean 'stop'? You can't help loving who you love."
I said, "no, you can't--if it's really love."
Most would agree with her, but that's because most don't understand what love really is. Love is not lust, deep seated like, infatuation, obsession, a cure for your loneliness, or any of those things that make you want to be with a person all of the time. Love is connection. That means he can't get her out of his head and she can't get him off her mind. It means she feels when he's down, and something just tells him to call her when she really needs him most. When it's really love, she feels what he feels as he dreams about her. It's a connection that changes two people in ways one could never imagine, but the change matures them and puts them in a better mental, spiritual, and emotional position than they were before. It isn't neediness, a cure for financial distress, a guaranteed Valentine's Day date, default sexual pleasure, good sexual pleasure, or the stupidity that causes you to puppy dog after someone who treats you as the animal you're behaving as! It's a connection that causes the two of you to grow up. His heart gets what it needs through experiences with her, and her heart gets what it needs from experiencing him. If he's connected to someone else, and you can't let go, love is not your problem; it's probably you not loving yourself (and that would be an esteem issue). Chances are, if it's one sided, it's going to take an act of God to release you unless you make the mature decision to accept the fact that it's not love and move on, rather than wait for him, secretly hoping he'll someday realize how much you love or will do for him. JUST STOP! Put an end to it. Take the time you'd spend pining for him and evaluate yourself! How much of yourself have you given to this other person? Is there any of you left? Save some of you for you. You're going to need you as you move about in your daily routine--with or without him!
Once again you say, "you can't just stop!" Probably not in a day or two, and not painlessly, but gradually, and that only happens when you face the truth about your situation and, verbally if you have to, tell yourself to stop. Don't entertain the pain of "what if" or "if only" on any level. Know your limits. Don't entertain the agony by prolonging the situation with daydreams and fantasies about what could be or what could have been. Immediately upon finding out that you can't have what you desire, take steps to move away from it by eliminating the glamorized thoughts about it in your mind. The more you go toward it, the harder it will be to finally let it go. Quit while you're ahead.
A final thought: the problem with most people is that they tend to give control of their emotions to someone else. "I like the way he makes me feel", the woman above said to me. A more accurate description of what she was saying would have been, "I like the way I feel when I'm around him." Then my question would have been, "do you like what happens inside of you when he's not around? Is the high worth the crash and burn?" "I'm not strong like you," she said. I said, "I wasn't born this strong. Trust and believe, it took practice." And it does. Nothing is strong without first being tested. We all have our tests and trials. Strength is what you get when you pass; weakness is what remains when you fail. Be able to control your emotions. Don't give that privilege to anyone else because he/she may not be as kind or as careful with your heart as you'll need them to be. Remember: your heart is yours until you give it away. Be careful who you give it to. If you hold on to it until you meet the one it was made for, you'll have some say over what happens to it. So STOP giving it over to the wrong people/situations, and guard it as if it were your most prized possession.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
I Know You Are, But What Am I?
"Finding out about you is not always easy to do, but it's always best for everyone involved."
One thing about this blog: if you have any issues (and we all do), you're going to find out what they are, and that's a good thing. Most of us walk around with issues that are never addressed, and we end up blindly or foolishly passing them on to our kids, who pass them on to the next generation. That's what you call generational curses. On the other hand, if you get the help you need, your issue will be one less that your child will have to deal with. Every generation brings on new issues and, believe you me, your child will have enough of his/her own. He/she certainly won't need yours as extra baggage to carry around throughout his/her life. If you address yours, your mind will be free enough to help your children address theirs. That's what makes a good parent. If you don't deal with yours, your family will suffer spiritual, mental, emotional and physical ailments that could have been avoided by you. Spiritually you will never come to the truth about anything, and we all know that only the truth can set you free from the things that bind up your mind and tie down your life. Your life will be inundated with a bunch of lies which will have you walking around as if in maze. Every turn you take will come to a dead end, and you won't be able to find your way out. Mentally, your mind will be fragmented and split because you won't have enough information to take you to the next mental level designed to give you the stability you'll need in order to handle the duties and responsibilities that come with that level in life. Emotionally, you will be so bogged down with feelings like depression, anxiety and fear that you'll never be in a place to make good sound decisions for you or your family--or anyone else for that matter. All of us have had that supervisor who wasn't mature enough to handle his position so he/she took his/her frustrations out on us. (If you didn't notice, he/she was the one no one liked because he/she was always frustrated, grumpy, grouchy, in a bad mood, or always lying about what really happened on the job. He/she was always the one trying to get you to do the impossible just to make himself look good in front of his boss. You know, the one who got promoted off everyone else's work!). Finally, all of the above will take a physical toll on you. For some, the toll manifests itself in health problems: migraines, headaches, IBS and other gastrointestinal problems, anorexia, bulimia, high blood pressure, arthritis, heart disease, diabetes, etc. (Please don't kid yourself into believing that none of these are ever stress related because they all are. Your stress effects the way you eat, the amount of exercise you take in, the amount of sleep you get, how you sleep--your overall balance of life.) For others, the results of stress can have a direct effect on the role genetics will play in your life. Inherited or genetic medical conditions that we may have been able to bypass may find and latch onto those of us who now have a place for it to land. And then there are those of us who are the first generation of whatever the "dis-ease" or generational curse is. So let go of whatever pollutes your "ease". If not, "dis"-ease will become a platform for some opportunistic diseases!
So what kinds of issues have been handed down to us? Let's look at some generational stuff. The one that comes up that has been passed down through the generations that I'd like to put a stop to if I could would be the age old blonde hair/blue eyes, light skin/long hair nonsense. When are we going to get to a place where we can love ourselves and our babies in spite of how we/they look? This is my beef, because as a counselor, it's one that almost always came up. There was a time when you had to have features that were lighter to show that you were born of "good stock". The belief was that "the lighter, the better". It was believed that "dark" meant bad or evil. But do you realize how long ago that was? Do you realize why that was necessary? Let me tell you why. Because that was a time when wisdom didn't go beyond the surface. It was scarce, so you held on to whatever made sense to you, and what made sense to you was whatever was told to you by the person/people you believed in. The people who were trusted to have the wisdom didn't know any better than what had been told to them! Blonde hair/blue eyes meant you were naturally better in a group of people who were considered better than all others. They didn't understand that what was on the inside of you mattered more. That was also before the women's rights movement. You had to have blonde hair/blue eyes so that the gentlemen callers would choose you for a wife. Back then, you needed a husband to provide for you or to even be taken seriously. Ladies, we can hold our own now. We don't need to be chosen. As a matter of fact, you can do a little choosing yourself now! On the other side of this darkness (no pun intended), light skin/long hair meant you had genes from the elite group; you weren't all black, which meant you weren't all bad. In those times, being black meant you were no good; slave material (hence the term "darkies"). Because of that, there were divisions in the quality of the slaves. Light skin/long hair meant you worked in the house, not the field. If you were a field nig, you were at the bottom of the barrel. If you worked in the house, it was because it was believed you were better than the others. NO, black folk. What that meant was that the master, or maybe an overseer, was raping or having sex with your momma or your grandmomma, and she got pregnant! White people, that means that your momma or your grandmomma knew what her husband was doing, and she had to believe whatever excuse he gave her to justify it! He lied to her to convince her that what he was doing was in her best interest. Sex was a dirty act not designed for pretty women. That's why he did it with the slave woman instead of her, and she had to believe that. She also had to feel prettier than others like her because she, like all other white women, she was pushed into the background simply because she wasn't a man! People, these are old, antiquated coping mechanisms that gave people something to hold onto in a time of spiritual, mental, emotional and physical degradation! Newsflash: we don't live in those times anymore! You can let them go now. We no longer need those bigoted ways of being accepted or feeling good about ourselves. Does this mean that you are less than because you're blond haired/blue eyes or light skinned with long hair? No, it just means you're not better than. Times have changed. Beauty is in a box now. If you want to be blonde, you can be. It's in a box. If you want blue or even green eyes, you can have them now. They come in a box, too. And the bull about being better if yours is natural, well, you can believe that lie if you want to. No one really cares these days. There are too many other things going on.
What myth would you strike down if you could? What curse are you carrying on from the generation before you? What about you do you believe makes better than or less than others? If you have to be better than, it's really because you don't feel you're good enough without the lie you're holding onto. Those of us who are good enough don't compare ourselves to other people. We stay in our own lanes and do what we were put here to do. If you're comparing yourself to or competing with others, you're not doing YOU. You're trying to do them. You're obsessed with a curse that either you started or has been passed down to you. How do you undo this curse? Find what it is that you truly like about yourself that is founded in truth, not someone else's lie. What are you good at? What is your gift? Focus on your gift; not your self. You will find that your gift will make you a better you.
One thing about this blog: if you have any issues (and we all do), you're going to find out what they are, and that's a good thing. Most of us walk around with issues that are never addressed, and we end up blindly or foolishly passing them on to our kids, who pass them on to the next generation. That's what you call generational curses. On the other hand, if you get the help you need, your issue will be one less that your child will have to deal with. Every generation brings on new issues and, believe you me, your child will have enough of his/her own. He/she certainly won't need yours as extra baggage to carry around throughout his/her life. If you address yours, your mind will be free enough to help your children address theirs. That's what makes a good parent. If you don't deal with yours, your family will suffer spiritual, mental, emotional and physical ailments that could have been avoided by you. Spiritually you will never come to the truth about anything, and we all know that only the truth can set you free from the things that bind up your mind and tie down your life. Your life will be inundated with a bunch of lies which will have you walking around as if in maze. Every turn you take will come to a dead end, and you won't be able to find your way out. Mentally, your mind will be fragmented and split because you won't have enough information to take you to the next mental level designed to give you the stability you'll need in order to handle the duties and responsibilities that come with that level in life. Emotionally, you will be so bogged down with feelings like depression, anxiety and fear that you'll never be in a place to make good sound decisions for you or your family--or anyone else for that matter. All of us have had that supervisor who wasn't mature enough to handle his position so he/she took his/her frustrations out on us. (If you didn't notice, he/she was the one no one liked because he/she was always frustrated, grumpy, grouchy, in a bad mood, or always lying about what really happened on the job. He/she was always the one trying to get you to do the impossible just to make himself look good in front of his boss. You know, the one who got promoted off everyone else's work!). Finally, all of the above will take a physical toll on you. For some, the toll manifests itself in health problems: migraines, headaches, IBS and other gastrointestinal problems, anorexia, bulimia, high blood pressure, arthritis, heart disease, diabetes, etc. (Please don't kid yourself into believing that none of these are ever stress related because they all are. Your stress effects the way you eat, the amount of exercise you take in, the amount of sleep you get, how you sleep--your overall balance of life.) For others, the results of stress can have a direct effect on the role genetics will play in your life. Inherited or genetic medical conditions that we may have been able to bypass may find and latch onto those of us who now have a place for it to land. And then there are those of us who are the first generation of whatever the "dis-ease" or generational curse is. So let go of whatever pollutes your "ease". If not, "dis"-ease will become a platform for some opportunistic diseases!
So what kinds of issues have been handed down to us? Let's look at some generational stuff. The one that comes up that has been passed down through the generations that I'd like to put a stop to if I could would be the age old blonde hair/blue eyes, light skin/long hair nonsense. When are we going to get to a place where we can love ourselves and our babies in spite of how we/they look? This is my beef, because as a counselor, it's one that almost always came up. There was a time when you had to have features that were lighter to show that you were born of "good stock". The belief was that "the lighter, the better". It was believed that "dark" meant bad or evil. But do you realize how long ago that was? Do you realize why that was necessary? Let me tell you why. Because that was a time when wisdom didn't go beyond the surface. It was scarce, so you held on to whatever made sense to you, and what made sense to you was whatever was told to you by the person/people you believed in. The people who were trusted to have the wisdom didn't know any better than what had been told to them! Blonde hair/blue eyes meant you were naturally better in a group of people who were considered better than all others. They didn't understand that what was on the inside of you mattered more. That was also before the women's rights movement. You had to have blonde hair/blue eyes so that the gentlemen callers would choose you for a wife. Back then, you needed a husband to provide for you or to even be taken seriously. Ladies, we can hold our own now. We don't need to be chosen. As a matter of fact, you can do a little choosing yourself now! On the other side of this darkness (no pun intended), light skin/long hair meant you had genes from the elite group; you weren't all black, which meant you weren't all bad. In those times, being black meant you were no good; slave material (hence the term "darkies"). Because of that, there were divisions in the quality of the slaves. Light skin/long hair meant you worked in the house, not the field. If you were a field nig, you were at the bottom of the barrel. If you worked in the house, it was because it was believed you were better than the others. NO, black folk. What that meant was that the master, or maybe an overseer, was raping or having sex with your momma or your grandmomma, and she got pregnant! White people, that means that your momma or your grandmomma knew what her husband was doing, and she had to believe whatever excuse he gave her to justify it! He lied to her to convince her that what he was doing was in her best interest. Sex was a dirty act not designed for pretty women. That's why he did it with the slave woman instead of her, and she had to believe that. She also had to feel prettier than others like her because she, like all other white women, she was pushed into the background simply because she wasn't a man! People, these are old, antiquated coping mechanisms that gave people something to hold onto in a time of spiritual, mental, emotional and physical degradation! Newsflash: we don't live in those times anymore! You can let them go now. We no longer need those bigoted ways of being accepted or feeling good about ourselves. Does this mean that you are less than because you're blond haired/blue eyes or light skinned with long hair? No, it just means you're not better than. Times have changed. Beauty is in a box now. If you want to be blonde, you can be. It's in a box. If you want blue or even green eyes, you can have them now. They come in a box, too. And the bull about being better if yours is natural, well, you can believe that lie if you want to. No one really cares these days. There are too many other things going on.
What myth would you strike down if you could? What curse are you carrying on from the generation before you? What about you do you believe makes better than or less than others? If you have to be better than, it's really because you don't feel you're good enough without the lie you're holding onto. Those of us who are good enough don't compare ourselves to other people. We stay in our own lanes and do what we were put here to do. If you're comparing yourself to or competing with others, you're not doing YOU. You're trying to do them. You're obsessed with a curse that either you started or has been passed down to you. How do you undo this curse? Find what it is that you truly like about yourself that is founded in truth, not someone else's lie. What are you good at? What is your gift? Focus on your gift; not your self. You will find that your gift will make you a better you.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Sometimes It Stinks to Think
"The ability to think is what separates man from other animals; only sometimes that's a good thing."
Today we're going deep, so get ready. Brace yourselves because this one is going to make you...well...think! Keep in mind as you're thinking, that "spiritual", a term I'm going to use a lot, does not mean "religious". I repeat, spiritual does NOT mean religious. It means "that which is not tangible". Or, simply put, the things in your life that belong to you but can't touch with your hands, like...well... your THOUGHTS!
Inside the mind of every man exists the constant battle between good and evil, right and wrong, should and shouldn't. Every minute of every hour of every day, a decision to do one thing conflicts with the decision to do the opposite. We are consciously aware of some of these battles; others we're not. They go on while we are awake as well as while we are sleeping. Though the body may be resting, the mind won't necessarily follow suit. Have you ever awakened on "the wrong side of the bed"? Have you ever gotten up with low energy or with feelings of defeat and not known why? Have you ever awakened with feelings of victory and not known why? You just woke up in a super good mood or a really bad mood with no explanation as to why? It just was what it was? That's because the opposing spiritual influences in your life fought for you and whatever side you chose was celebrating! Let's look at what spiritual influences are. For some, they are God and Satan. For others, they are angels and demons. Still for others, they are pleasant experiences or horrible experiences; new friends vs. old friends. Still yet, family vs. outsiders. But regardless of what they are for you, the battle takes place in YOUR mind. Newsflash: Because the mind belongs to YOU, you can shut it down anytime you get ready! How, you ask? STOP thinking about it! The spiritual influences are just there to get you to make the decision they want you to make. You can keep the battle going or you can give it up. Not give up; give it up. Now that sounds like good news to those who don't like to fight their own battles. Give it up? That's easy. Oh contrere, mon frere. You don't give it over to another person. You have to give it over to the heart--your heart! My heart, you ask? Yes, your heart. NO BATTLE TAKES PLACE IN THE HEART; IT'S ALL IN THE MIND. Your heart doesn't think; it functions on instinct. The heart doesn't think about self. It instinctively does what's right, and if your heart is good, it ain't even personal. (I know. There I go with that word again, but hey. Like I told ya, it's great for emphasis.)
Our ecosystem is a great example of how that works. With no human interference, the lesser animals and insects are guided by instinct as they do what they do in the cooperative effort called nature. They don't think about what's in it for them; they just do what they were put here to do. Well, some of them end up dead, you might say. Of course they do. They're supposed to. It's all a part of the balance of nature. Contrary to what some believe--and this is no slight or put down to anyone's beliefs--many animals were placed here as food. Those used for food are often larger than others, have litters of many, and/or have the ability to breed in a manner that keeps up with their part of nature. Without being eaten, they'd overpopulate and become too numerous, upsetting the balance of nature. Then there are those that aren't necessarily used for food. A major part they play in the ecosystem is to feed on others or to spread materials necessary to build up other parts of nature, which is also part of the design for balance. Yes, some of them end up dead, too. Sometimes as the end of their life cycle. Far too many times as roadkill, but if there were no cars operated by humans, those numbers would decrease drastically. (And for the wise guy reading this, cars operated by animals only exist in YOUR world!) Captivity doesn't always serve them well, either. And of course, they die for other reasons, too, but let's not complicate this any more than we have to. You're thinking way too hard if your mind is going there. Slow your roll, Sid!! (You have to watch PBS to get that one.)
Back to the humans. Instinct in humans, takes place in the heart. If we were led by our hearts and not by our minds, we'd instinctively do what was right for everyone involved. If heart or instinct were our guide, we'd all work together, symbiotically(cooperatively), like traffic lights and traffic. Some of us would know when to go; others would know when to stop. There would be no conflict. When we stop to think about what we're going to do, self gets involved, and anytime self is involved, no one else gets to be. With self, there is no symbiosis, the working together of more than one or more relationship, all for the greater good.
Shutting down your thoughts and giving your issues over to your heart is not as easy as it sounds because it takes time and practice. Not only that, it takes TRUST, and if you're used to having to fend for yourself, trusting, especially without thinking of a plan to protect yourself, is not the easiest thing to do. Life would be great if we could all trust and live by instinct, but since we are thinkers for the most part, here's a piece of advice for life: Be careful of your thoughts! For most of us, the spiritual influences in our lives are our mates, parents, siblings, friends, teammates, neighbors, coworkers, or even strangers. Simply stated, our thoughts are influenced primarily by other people. That's what interferes with our instinct. Someone else is always telling us what to do or what they think. If we take in what they say, they are essentially making our decisions for us. All of us need that in the beginning when we are not mature enough to make good decisions on our own, but when does it end? By now, some of us should be teaching and influencing others to grow, but we're still looking for others to take on that responsibility for us. That, in itself, is not always the problem. The real problem is that we don't stop to check the credentials of those we give the leadership role in our lives! Who is influencing you? Who have YOU appointed to guide your thoughts? Have you checked their credentials? A title like Dr., Rev., Bishop, Father, Apostle, Evangelist, Mom, Dad, Teacher, Sister, Deacon, etc., doesn't guarantee the wisdom, or even common sense, to guide others. It's usually there to make the owner of the title feel good or look important. These days a person can get his/her title from the internet; others are there by default. Be warned.
Today we're going deep, so get ready. Brace yourselves because this one is going to make you...well...think! Keep in mind as you're thinking, that "spiritual", a term I'm going to use a lot, does not mean "religious". I repeat, spiritual does NOT mean religious. It means "that which is not tangible". Or, simply put, the things in your life that belong to you but can't touch with your hands, like...well... your THOUGHTS!
Inside the mind of every man exists the constant battle between good and evil, right and wrong, should and shouldn't. Every minute of every hour of every day, a decision to do one thing conflicts with the decision to do the opposite. We are consciously aware of some of these battles; others we're not. They go on while we are awake as well as while we are sleeping. Though the body may be resting, the mind won't necessarily follow suit. Have you ever awakened on "the wrong side of the bed"? Have you ever gotten up with low energy or with feelings of defeat and not known why? Have you ever awakened with feelings of victory and not known why? You just woke up in a super good mood or a really bad mood with no explanation as to why? It just was what it was? That's because the opposing spiritual influences in your life fought for you and whatever side you chose was celebrating! Let's look at what spiritual influences are. For some, they are God and Satan. For others, they are angels and demons. Still for others, they are pleasant experiences or horrible experiences; new friends vs. old friends. Still yet, family vs. outsiders. But regardless of what they are for you, the battle takes place in YOUR mind. Newsflash: Because the mind belongs to YOU, you can shut it down anytime you get ready! How, you ask? STOP thinking about it! The spiritual influences are just there to get you to make the decision they want you to make. You can keep the battle going or you can give it up. Not give up; give it up. Now that sounds like good news to those who don't like to fight their own battles. Give it up? That's easy. Oh contrere, mon frere. You don't give it over to another person. You have to give it over to the heart--your heart! My heart, you ask? Yes, your heart. NO BATTLE TAKES PLACE IN THE HEART; IT'S ALL IN THE MIND. Your heart doesn't think; it functions on instinct. The heart doesn't think about self. It instinctively does what's right, and if your heart is good, it ain't even personal. (I know. There I go with that word again, but hey. Like I told ya, it's great for emphasis.)
Our ecosystem is a great example of how that works. With no human interference, the lesser animals and insects are guided by instinct as they do what they do in the cooperative effort called nature. They don't think about what's in it for them; they just do what they were put here to do. Well, some of them end up dead, you might say. Of course they do. They're supposed to. It's all a part of the balance of nature. Contrary to what some believe--and this is no slight or put down to anyone's beliefs--many animals were placed here as food. Those used for food are often larger than others, have litters of many, and/or have the ability to breed in a manner that keeps up with their part of nature. Without being eaten, they'd overpopulate and become too numerous, upsetting the balance of nature. Then there are those that aren't necessarily used for food. A major part they play in the ecosystem is to feed on others or to spread materials necessary to build up other parts of nature, which is also part of the design for balance. Yes, some of them end up dead, too. Sometimes as the end of their life cycle. Far too many times as roadkill, but if there were no cars operated by humans, those numbers would decrease drastically. (And for the wise guy reading this, cars operated by animals only exist in YOUR world!) Captivity doesn't always serve them well, either. And of course, they die for other reasons, too, but let's not complicate this any more than we have to. You're thinking way too hard if your mind is going there. Slow your roll, Sid!! (You have to watch PBS to get that one.)
Back to the humans. Instinct in humans, takes place in the heart. If we were led by our hearts and not by our minds, we'd instinctively do what was right for everyone involved. If heart or instinct were our guide, we'd all work together, symbiotically(cooperatively), like traffic lights and traffic. Some of us would know when to go; others would know when to stop. There would be no conflict. When we stop to think about what we're going to do, self gets involved, and anytime self is involved, no one else gets to be. With self, there is no symbiosis, the working together of more than one or more relationship, all for the greater good.
Shutting down your thoughts and giving your issues over to your heart is not as easy as it sounds because it takes time and practice. Not only that, it takes TRUST, and if you're used to having to fend for yourself, trusting, especially without thinking of a plan to protect yourself, is not the easiest thing to do. Life would be great if we could all trust and live by instinct, but since we are thinkers for the most part, here's a piece of advice for life: Be careful of your thoughts! For most of us, the spiritual influences in our lives are our mates, parents, siblings, friends, teammates, neighbors, coworkers, or even strangers. Simply stated, our thoughts are influenced primarily by other people. That's what interferes with our instinct. Someone else is always telling us what to do or what they think. If we take in what they say, they are essentially making our decisions for us. All of us need that in the beginning when we are not mature enough to make good decisions on our own, but when does it end? By now, some of us should be teaching and influencing others to grow, but we're still looking for others to take on that responsibility for us. That, in itself, is not always the problem. The real problem is that we don't stop to check the credentials of those we give the leadership role in our lives! Who is influencing you? Who have YOU appointed to guide your thoughts? Have you checked their credentials? A title like Dr., Rev., Bishop, Father, Apostle, Evangelist, Mom, Dad, Teacher, Sister, Deacon, etc., doesn't guarantee the wisdom, or even common sense, to guide others. It's usually there to make the owner of the title feel good or look important. These days a person can get his/her title from the internet; others are there by default. Be warned.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Life is Like An Aviary: Tweet, Tweet!
"Live free as a bird, but don't sell your soul for chicken change."
Imagine yourself living as free as a bird. No really. Imagine it. What bird would you be? Before you go on, seriously take a minute and choose a bird...
I like to see myself as an American Bald Eagle. They are at the top of the food chain, and the wing span of those beautiful creatures is quite great. When I spend time in the wide open space, I like to see them soaring through the air--absolutely free. No ills, no pills. No bills, no debt. No worries, no concerns. No neighbors always coming over to gossip about dumb stuff I don't want to hear or to borrow...(sorry. I started remembering life on the ground!) In this thing called life, freedom is there for the asking. But how many of us ask for it? We ask for help, but not for total freedom from the situations we find ourselves stuck in: "God, I just need $1,000 for a car." How about, "God, I'm having transportation problems. I need you to free me from these transportation issues." Maybe He'll move you to a place close enough to where you need to go to walk there. "God, if you get me out of this one, I won't do this again." How about, "God, I always find myself in situations like this. I need freedom from whatever leads me here." "Lord, I just need a new job..." How about, "Lord, I need You to provide me with the abundant life You came that I might have."
Have you ever asked to just be free? Caution: God has great, big, powerful hands. If you ask to be free, He's going to free you from all of it. Be aware that He's going to do it His way; not yours. Be prepared to take up your cross and follow Him. That may mean that the jobs, relatives, habits, leisures, shopping, drinking, socializing, friends, etc., and other things you like so much, that are really what's holding you down, may have to go. And that's not a bad thing. Some of the things we hold on to so tightly are like beautiful roses with stems filled with thorns. We won't let go because the flower is so beautiful, and all the while, we are cutting the mess out of ourselves as we squeeze the thorns. Then we blame God for not relieving us of the pain! Let it go. He may just need to remove the thorns from your precious rose! Or how about this one: you may discover that you're allergic to roses. Maybe you'll discover that irises, orchids or lilies would be better for you. You may even get to go on a journey with Him and discover flowers so exotic and fascinating that you'll never even think about common roses again. Flowers such as the sacred lotus, birds of paradise, the bleeding heart flower, protea, hibiscus, and one of my personal favorites, plumeria. But enough of that. We're talking about birds, right? (Did I mention BIRDS of paradise?)
Birds come in a variety of shapes, sizes and colors, and with varying characteristics. Now that you've imagined yourself one, think of the characteristics of the bird you chose. In doing so, you'll find what's most important to you. For me, freedom is important. (Okay, I like stature and beauty, too, and if I had it my way, I'd have it all! I would definitely be at the top of the food chain!) You may have even known what you liked before choosing your bird. And it's okay to like whatever it is, as long as you're honest with yourself. No one else has to know. Your choice is yours, but remember: if you choose to be a chicken, pecking on the ground for food, don't get angry at the eagles who have the ability to swoop down and catch fish right out of the water without even stopping their flight. Don't get angry at the eagles for standing tall just because you can't stand your ground. Don't get mad at the eagles because they command attention simply by their greatness. And really hold on to your anger about them not eating...well...you know what chickens eat. Life is only like an aviary. It's not really one. The difference between our world and that of the birds is that we get to make choices about our lives; they don't.
"Don't sell your soul for chicken change." Soul is synonymous with mind. Change doesn't refer to money here. It means transformation of heart; transformation of mind. Most of us live life tangled up because our hearts and minds take in a bunch of useless/hurtful information from others who are just as tangled up as we are; they don't tell you that when they're advising you, though. "If I were you, I'd..." "What you need to do is..." "If you were smart, you'd..." "Umph. I couldn't be you." And my personal favorite, "you're a better woman/man than I am, because I wouldn't put up with that." True life is true freedom. Be free as an eagle. Don't get cooped up by following others who live like chickens because they think like chickens. Don't follow any person, group of people, religion, doctrine or any other philosophy of life without first checking its foundation and then, thinking for yourself. Before being led by anybody or anything, check their path for truth, intelligence and integrity. If it lacks any one of these, it's no good, and it will...well...get you cooped up!
Imagine yourself living as free as a bird. No really. Imagine it. What bird would you be? Before you go on, seriously take a minute and choose a bird...
I like to see myself as an American Bald Eagle. They are at the top of the food chain, and the wing span of those beautiful creatures is quite great. When I spend time in the wide open space, I like to see them soaring through the air--absolutely free. No ills, no pills. No bills, no debt. No worries, no concerns. No neighbors always coming over to gossip about dumb stuff I don't want to hear or to borrow...(sorry. I started remembering life on the ground!) In this thing called life, freedom is there for the asking. But how many of us ask for it? We ask for help, but not for total freedom from the situations we find ourselves stuck in: "God, I just need $1,000 for a car." How about, "God, I'm having transportation problems. I need you to free me from these transportation issues." Maybe He'll move you to a place close enough to where you need to go to walk there. "God, if you get me out of this one, I won't do this again." How about, "God, I always find myself in situations like this. I need freedom from whatever leads me here." "Lord, I just need a new job..." How about, "Lord, I need You to provide me with the abundant life You came that I might have."
Have you ever asked to just be free? Caution: God has great, big, powerful hands. If you ask to be free, He's going to free you from all of it. Be aware that He's going to do it His way; not yours. Be prepared to take up your cross and follow Him. That may mean that the jobs, relatives, habits, leisures, shopping, drinking, socializing, friends, etc., and other things you like so much, that are really what's holding you down, may have to go. And that's not a bad thing. Some of the things we hold on to so tightly are like beautiful roses with stems filled with thorns. We won't let go because the flower is so beautiful, and all the while, we are cutting the mess out of ourselves as we squeeze the thorns. Then we blame God for not relieving us of the pain! Let it go. He may just need to remove the thorns from your precious rose! Or how about this one: you may discover that you're allergic to roses. Maybe you'll discover that irises, orchids or lilies would be better for you. You may even get to go on a journey with Him and discover flowers so exotic and fascinating that you'll never even think about common roses again. Flowers such as the sacred lotus, birds of paradise, the bleeding heart flower, protea, hibiscus, and one of my personal favorites, plumeria. But enough of that. We're talking about birds, right? (Did I mention BIRDS of paradise?)
Birds come in a variety of shapes, sizes and colors, and with varying characteristics. Now that you've imagined yourself one, think of the characteristics of the bird you chose. In doing so, you'll find what's most important to you. For me, freedom is important. (Okay, I like stature and beauty, too, and if I had it my way, I'd have it all! I would definitely be at the top of the food chain!) You may have even known what you liked before choosing your bird. And it's okay to like whatever it is, as long as you're honest with yourself. No one else has to know. Your choice is yours, but remember: if you choose to be a chicken, pecking on the ground for food, don't get angry at the eagles who have the ability to swoop down and catch fish right out of the water without even stopping their flight. Don't get angry at the eagles for standing tall just because you can't stand your ground. Don't get mad at the eagles because they command attention simply by their greatness. And really hold on to your anger about them not eating...well...you know what chickens eat. Life is only like an aviary. It's not really one. The difference between our world and that of the birds is that we get to make choices about our lives; they don't.
"Don't sell your soul for chicken change." Soul is synonymous with mind. Change doesn't refer to money here. It means transformation of heart; transformation of mind. Most of us live life tangled up because our hearts and minds take in a bunch of useless/hurtful information from others who are just as tangled up as we are; they don't tell you that when they're advising you, though. "If I were you, I'd..." "What you need to do is..." "If you were smart, you'd..." "Umph. I couldn't be you." And my personal favorite, "you're a better woman/man than I am, because I wouldn't put up with that." True life is true freedom. Be free as an eagle. Don't get cooped up by following others who live like chickens because they think like chickens. Don't follow any person, group of people, religion, doctrine or any other philosophy of life without first checking its foundation and then, thinking for yourself. Before being led by anybody or anything, check their path for truth, intelligence and integrity. If it lacks any one of these, it's no good, and it will...well...get you cooped up!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Remembering Jarret...
"A picture is worth a thousand words; your memory will last through eternity."
I'm a pretty tough cookie, but remembering this dude is tough on me. He was such a cool guy with a genuine concern for people. I had to ask myself: why do the good ones go? Then I answered myself (yes, I do that sometimes, and you know you do it, too!): So they won't be corrupted by others. Corruption occurs when conversation is developed and based on opinions. Opinions are dangerous and, as I'd always tell my kids as they were growing up: Opinions are like butt holes; everybody has one and nothing comes out of them but...well...you know the rest. Opinions crowd out facts and intelligence. In fact, whenever you have a conversation with someone who lacks intelligence or facts, you're going to get nothing but an opinion. If you repeat what you heard, you're just spreading...well, you know the rest! If you're stating your opinion and find that others don't want to hear it, don't take it personally. You're only talking...anyway!
No, seriously. I don't know why my nephew left so soon. I have to believe that his time here was up, but as he said before he left, he had a "good ride." And he did. This kid got to rub elbows with some pretty important people, including the one and only Barack Obama. And that's who he reminded me of. He had great potential and wanted to do so many things. Now, I'm not the foremost expert on Jarret. That would be his mom, who he loved as much as anyone could love anybody. She was his SHE-RO. I knew more about Jarret from his "noise" in the background of my conversations with her than my own conversations with him! He was often the peanut gallery of our marathon phone calls! God, I loved that kid! I looked forward to his comments because they were always silly and uplifting. He was so full of life. I remember when he learned to walk. It was the cutest thing. He was young for walking age, but around a brother and cousins who were older. Determined to keep up with them, he got up and learned to walk--sideways! With one arm always extended for balance. Didn't matter what it took, he was determined to keep up with them. And he did. And that's what I remember about Jarret. He was determined. He was determined to leave his mark, and he did that in just 29 years. I don't think Jarret ever met anyone who didn't want to call him friend. He was very passionate and compassionate. I remember seeing him in the hospital around this time last year. I was amazed at how he took the time to genuinely greet and make feel welcomed any and all of the hospital staff who served him. Before they'd poke or prod, he'd take the time to find out how they were feeling first. It was amazing to watch. Even in his illness, he was determined to be that upstanding kind of guy. And that's how I will always remember him: determined.
So, back to us. What word will the people around you use to describe you? What word will always come up when people think of you? "Friend" or "foe"? "Trifling" or "amazing"? "Good" or "bad"? "Considerate" or "opportunistic"? "Shallow" or "Deep"? "Loving" or "evil"? "Fly" or "shy" (had to get that one in there for my boy!)?
Whatever you want to be remembered by begins and ends with you. And remember: character is projected by how you think; not the things you do for other people. I realize this is a tough one for most because so much emphasis is placed on behavior. Behavior can be tricky for those who are not lead by the heart, but for those who are, the motivation of the doer is seen more clearly than the action done. Nice gestures are the richest tool for a manipulator. Child molesters are well known for that. So are abusers, rapists, womanizers/man-eaters and killers. So if you don't want your child molested, yourself to be abused, raped, womanized/emasculated, murdered, or manipulated in any other kind of way, get to know the way the person or people you come into contact with think. Don't be fooled by their behavior!
I'm a pretty tough cookie, but remembering this dude is tough on me. He was such a cool guy with a genuine concern for people. I had to ask myself: why do the good ones go? Then I answered myself (yes, I do that sometimes, and you know you do it, too!): So they won't be corrupted by others. Corruption occurs when conversation is developed and based on opinions. Opinions are dangerous and, as I'd always tell my kids as they were growing up: Opinions are like butt holes; everybody has one and nothing comes out of them but...well...you know the rest. Opinions crowd out facts and intelligence. In fact, whenever you have a conversation with someone who lacks intelligence or facts, you're going to get nothing but an opinion. If you repeat what you heard, you're just spreading...well, you know the rest! If you're stating your opinion and find that others don't want to hear it, don't take it personally. You're only talking...anyway!
No, seriously. I don't know why my nephew left so soon. I have to believe that his time here was up, but as he said before he left, he had a "good ride." And he did. This kid got to rub elbows with some pretty important people, including the one and only Barack Obama. And that's who he reminded me of. He had great potential and wanted to do so many things. Now, I'm not the foremost expert on Jarret. That would be his mom, who he loved as much as anyone could love anybody. She was his SHE-RO. I knew more about Jarret from his "noise" in the background of my conversations with her than my own conversations with him! He was often the peanut gallery of our marathon phone calls! God, I loved that kid! I looked forward to his comments because they were always silly and uplifting. He was so full of life. I remember when he learned to walk. It was the cutest thing. He was young for walking age, but around a brother and cousins who were older. Determined to keep up with them, he got up and learned to walk--sideways! With one arm always extended for balance. Didn't matter what it took, he was determined to keep up with them. And he did. And that's what I remember about Jarret. He was determined. He was determined to leave his mark, and he did that in just 29 years. I don't think Jarret ever met anyone who didn't want to call him friend. He was very passionate and compassionate. I remember seeing him in the hospital around this time last year. I was amazed at how he took the time to genuinely greet and make feel welcomed any and all of the hospital staff who served him. Before they'd poke or prod, he'd take the time to find out how they were feeling first. It was amazing to watch. Even in his illness, he was determined to be that upstanding kind of guy. And that's how I will always remember him: determined.
So, back to us. What word will the people around you use to describe you? What word will always come up when people think of you? "Friend" or "foe"? "Trifling" or "amazing"? "Good" or "bad"? "Considerate" or "opportunistic"? "Shallow" or "Deep"? "Loving" or "evil"? "Fly" or "shy" (had to get that one in there for my boy!)?
Whatever you want to be remembered by begins and ends with you. And remember: character is projected by how you think; not the things you do for other people. I realize this is a tough one for most because so much emphasis is placed on behavior. Behavior can be tricky for those who are not lead by the heart, but for those who are, the motivation of the doer is seen more clearly than the action done. Nice gestures are the richest tool for a manipulator. Child molesters are well known for that. So are abusers, rapists, womanizers/man-eaters and killers. So if you don't want your child molested, yourself to be abused, raped, womanized/emasculated, murdered, or manipulated in any other kind of way, get to know the way the person or people you come into contact with think. Don't be fooled by their behavior!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Mirror, Mirror On The Wall...
"Life is like a mirror; you get out of it exactly what you put into it."
Obviously, this is not a physical mirror. We don't have any say so about our physical inheritances, and it's not what matters most anyway. Imagine a mirror that could capture your inner self. When you'd look into that mirror, would you like what you'd see? If not, would you change what you didn't like, or would you walk around with it, hoping it wouldn't be noticed? Whoever we are--rich/poor, black/white, tall/short, etc.-- that mirror will show us things about ourselves we don't like; some things we can change and others we can't. But just because we can't change them doesn't mean things can't be changed. "Changed" begins with a different mindset. Most of us change our behavior, and there's something to be said for that, but what really needs to change is the way we think. Stinkin' thinkin' plagues us all because the society we live in stinks! Apathy, insensitivity, greed, anger, bitterness, rage, injustice, racism, bigotry, violence, negative energy, and the like has infiltrated every aspect of the world we live in, and we've all been effected in one way or some others. If you're not the perpetrator/victim of any of the above, for example, you're the one who won't let your children play with the next door neighbor because of something that happened to someone else. Maybe you're not the one telling the jokes; you're the one listening to them and laughing. Or maybe you're the one who hears it and doesn't like it, but is too afraid to stand against it. You're the one who overheard the plot against your neighbor, but, in an effort to save your own skin, you won't come forward with the information to incriminate the offender. Then you go home and tell your kids that the best thing to do in a situation like that is to keep your mouth shut. And they grow up believing that.
We're all effected by someone's stinkin' thinkin'--past or present. Some of the things captured in that mirror will be the reflection of someone you admire. Take a long, hard look at that person's true character. Then ask yourself if that person was truly admirable. Maybe their attributes were admirable for them during their lifetime and conducive to their lifestyle, but outdated, antiquated, or unacceptable for yours. Have your own personality/character! You do YOU better than anyone else. All the Elvis Presley /Michael Jackson/John Wayne impersonators remind us that just because they were phenomenal at what they did doesn't mean that it's for everyone else to do. Elvis was Elvis. Not everyone who liked his style of dress, the way he talked or his dance moves should put on a pair of blue suede shoes or do the Jailhouse Rock! (Yes, I know Elvis only wore them once on the Steve Allen show.) Not everyone should wear a Jheri Curl, a studded glove and moonwalk, either. And well, Dah haa dah haa...
Look in your mirror and see beyond the physical you. What do you see? Are you in need of change? If so, start with the root of your thoughts. You are what you think. If you think you're no good, you will see a good-for-nothing reflection. Who told you that you were no good? Was it an alcoholic parent? Was it a mother filled with her own shame? Was it an envious/jealous friend or co-worker? Was it a hater? Was it YOU? Examine the root of that thought and you will see the root of your being. Find something you like about your character and feed that into that mirror.
Obviously, this is not a physical mirror. We don't have any say so about our physical inheritances, and it's not what matters most anyway. Imagine a mirror that could capture your inner self. When you'd look into that mirror, would you like what you'd see? If not, would you change what you didn't like, or would you walk around with it, hoping it wouldn't be noticed? Whoever we are--rich/poor, black/white, tall/short, etc.-- that mirror will show us things about ourselves we don't like; some things we can change and others we can't. But just because we can't change them doesn't mean things can't be changed. "Changed" begins with a different mindset. Most of us change our behavior, and there's something to be said for that, but what really needs to change is the way we think. Stinkin' thinkin' plagues us all because the society we live in stinks! Apathy, insensitivity, greed, anger, bitterness, rage, injustice, racism, bigotry, violence, negative energy, and the like has infiltrated every aspect of the world we live in, and we've all been effected in one way or some others. If you're not the perpetrator/victim of any of the above, for example, you're the one who won't let your children play with the next door neighbor because of something that happened to someone else. Maybe you're not the one telling the jokes; you're the one listening to them and laughing. Or maybe you're the one who hears it and doesn't like it, but is too afraid to stand against it. You're the one who overheard the plot against your neighbor, but, in an effort to save your own skin, you won't come forward with the information to incriminate the offender. Then you go home and tell your kids that the best thing to do in a situation like that is to keep your mouth shut. And they grow up believing that.
We're all effected by someone's stinkin' thinkin'--past or present. Some of the things captured in that mirror will be the reflection of someone you admire. Take a long, hard look at that person's true character. Then ask yourself if that person was truly admirable. Maybe their attributes were admirable for them during their lifetime and conducive to their lifestyle, but outdated, antiquated, or unacceptable for yours. Have your own personality/character! You do YOU better than anyone else. All the Elvis Presley /Michael Jackson/John Wayne impersonators remind us that just because they were phenomenal at what they did doesn't mean that it's for everyone else to do. Elvis was Elvis. Not everyone who liked his style of dress, the way he talked or his dance moves should put on a pair of blue suede shoes or do the Jailhouse Rock! (Yes, I know Elvis only wore them once on the Steve Allen show.) Not everyone should wear a Jheri Curl, a studded glove and moonwalk, either. And well, Dah haa dah haa...
Look in your mirror and see beyond the physical you. What do you see? Are you in need of change? If so, start with the root of your thoughts. You are what you think. If you think you're no good, you will see a good-for-nothing reflection. Who told you that you were no good? Was it an alcoholic parent? Was it a mother filled with her own shame? Was it an envious/jealous friend or co-worker? Was it a hater? Was it YOU? Examine the root of that thought and you will see the root of your being. Find something you like about your character and feed that into that mirror.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Selfish or Selfless?
"With YOU on your mind so much, it's truly impossible for you to think about anything else."
We all know that many people are looking for love in all the wrong places. What we don't understand is that they are not finding it because they are looking for it in all the wrong ways! In order to find love, you have to know how to give it. Love isn't love until you give it away. Love completes itself when you give it and it returns to you, and not necessarily from the place you gave it. Love can be as simple as the energy that generates a smile from inside the heart of the person whose face it's on. That is, of course, if the smile is genuine. If that smile didn't start in the heart, you're smiling back at a CROCODILE. And in case you don't know the song, the crocodile is not smiling; he's only "imagining how well you fit within his skin". In other words, watch who you're smiling back at. It might be someone who is just sizing you up--fattening you up for the kill! No, seriously. Smiles are important because they can release the positive energy of love and life. Most people think that good behavior is the byproduct of love. It isn't. Kindness, which is different from good behavior, is the byproduct of love. The difference? One is directly controlled by the doer in order to get the response he desires from you, the receiver; the other comes automatically from the heart and isn't shaped by the receiver's response at all. One says, "I want you to see how good a person I am. I'll cook you a nice meal/buy you something nice." The other says, "Ah. You're on my mind right now, bringing me joy. I think I'll cook you a good meal/buy you something nice. That will make you happy, too, today." One is sel-fish; the other is self-less. Selfishness is fueled by negative thoughts/energy; selflessness is fueled by love thoughts, which is the energy of life. REALITY CHECK: if you live an existence only thinking about you, you're killing yourself. Through selfishness, you rob yourself of the quality of life!
Let's look at this. How often do YOU think about YOU? If I could hear your answer to this question, though there are some who are not afraid to admit they live in a "me-centered universe", I'd hear from most, "not much. I'm ALWAYS thinking about other people. I rarely do anything for myself!" But if we looked inside your life, I'm sure we'd find that you're thinking about yourself a lot more often than you ever imagined. For example, when you do things for the people around you, does it create a tab for them that they'll have to pay someday? Do they somehow OWE you a favor in return? Do you expect them to be there for you when you need something in the future? Think about it. Why do you really do what you do? When you do favors or buy gifts for others, is it for them, or is it for you? Are you one of those people who buys gifts because ultimately, you want one in return? Are you one who does what you do because you want someone in particular (boss, pastor, parent, someone you'd like to sleep with) to notice you? Is it because you want to be seen? If your motivation for doing what you do is to get something out of it; you're ONLY thinking about YOU. If you do what you do in order to get a return on your investment, stop thinking you're selfLESS and honorable; you're selFISH and egotistical. Yes, you should work hard to get that promotion you want or more hours at work, but think about why do you want it/them? Do you represent the company well? Sure, you've been there longer than another person, but are you what the company needs and is looking for, or is it more about the title and more money for you? Maybe you don't want others to wonder why you've been there so long and aren't yet a supervisor. Are you really the best person for the job? If you work because you need the money, the person who works because he loves what he does IS going to be promoted over you or be given more hours. When you're working, it's about productivity for the company; it's not about you, the type of reputation you'd like to build for yourself or the lifestyle you'd like to live. Sure you have bills to pay and things you want to buy, but so do the people who own the company you work for! Lights, rent, water and trash pick-up aren't free in their building. A bigger building on the other side of town may be better for their business. They have to earn money to pay for all of that, and that money comes from what you and your co-workers bring in for the company. So if you're skipped over for that promotion, or someone you don't know is hired in that position, it may not be as personal as you might think! It may be because of the earning potential of the person hired.
Here's one: to all the "Christian" folk out there, why do you visit the "sick and the shut-in"? Is it because those with limited ability/mobility may be lonely and in need of company or may have errands to run with no one who cares available to help them out? Or are you just trying to secure YOUR spot in Heaven? Well, that's not quite how Heaven works. It's not a place for those looking for social promotion. I know, OUCH!!! Check your motive: why do you do what you do? Are your acts good or are they really selfish? The best way to check that one is to identify who the benefactor of your kind gesture really is. If it's YOU, you're selfish; if it's others, you're selfless.
Selflessness is an extremely admirable quality, but not something you can attain through acts of unselfish behavior. It's not something you can do; you're either selfless or you're not. You can't do something for someone and then convince yourself you did it for the right reasons in order to be seen as unselfish. If you want to be selfless, here's a tip: Pay attention to WHAT needs to be done, not WHO you're doing it for. When the what becomes a who, selfishness is the motivator (as well as the end product because it's never ending). The point in being selfless? Peace, love, joy, patience, goodness, kindness, self-control, a balanced life, freedom from stress and strife, and....drumroll, please....TOTAL POSITIVE ENERGY! Positive energy uplifts you and everyone around you. It will take you to all of the places where peace, joy and love can be found and will connect you to all of that. You will be like a positive energy magnet, and before you know it, you'll be receiving as much as you're giving out without ever thinking about it! You won't have to look for love; love will find you! That is what true love and true life are all about: shared positive energy!!!! And that, in case you're wondering, is what Heaven IS all about! If your life feels like hell, maybe it's because you are selfishly killing yourself. Give yourself a break today. Do something positive that has nothing to do with you.
We all know that many people are looking for love in all the wrong places. What we don't understand is that they are not finding it because they are looking for it in all the wrong ways! In order to find love, you have to know how to give it. Love isn't love until you give it away. Love completes itself when you give it and it returns to you, and not necessarily from the place you gave it. Love can be as simple as the energy that generates a smile from inside the heart of the person whose face it's on. That is, of course, if the smile is genuine. If that smile didn't start in the heart, you're smiling back at a CROCODILE. And in case you don't know the song, the crocodile is not smiling; he's only "imagining how well you fit within his skin". In other words, watch who you're smiling back at. It might be someone who is just sizing you up--fattening you up for the kill! No, seriously. Smiles are important because they can release the positive energy of love and life. Most people think that good behavior is the byproduct of love. It isn't. Kindness, which is different from good behavior, is the byproduct of love. The difference? One is directly controlled by the doer in order to get the response he desires from you, the receiver; the other comes automatically from the heart and isn't shaped by the receiver's response at all. One says, "I want you to see how good a person I am. I'll cook you a nice meal/buy you something nice." The other says, "Ah. You're on my mind right now, bringing me joy. I think I'll cook you a good meal/buy you something nice. That will make you happy, too, today." One is sel-fish; the other is self-less. Selfishness is fueled by negative thoughts/energy; selflessness is fueled by love thoughts, which is the energy of life. REALITY CHECK: if you live an existence only thinking about you, you're killing yourself. Through selfishness, you rob yourself of the quality of life!
Let's look at this. How often do YOU think about YOU? If I could hear your answer to this question, though there are some who are not afraid to admit they live in a "me-centered universe", I'd hear from most, "not much. I'm ALWAYS thinking about other people. I rarely do anything for myself!" But if we looked inside your life, I'm sure we'd find that you're thinking about yourself a lot more often than you ever imagined. For example, when you do things for the people around you, does it create a tab for them that they'll have to pay someday? Do they somehow OWE you a favor in return? Do you expect them to be there for you when you need something in the future? Think about it. Why do you really do what you do? When you do favors or buy gifts for others, is it for them, or is it for you? Are you one of those people who buys gifts because ultimately, you want one in return? Are you one who does what you do because you want someone in particular (boss, pastor, parent, someone you'd like to sleep with) to notice you? Is it because you want to be seen? If your motivation for doing what you do is to get something out of it; you're ONLY thinking about YOU. If you do what you do in order to get a return on your investment, stop thinking you're selfLESS and honorable; you're selFISH and egotistical. Yes, you should work hard to get that promotion you want or more hours at work, but think about why do you want it/them? Do you represent the company well? Sure, you've been there longer than another person, but are you what the company needs and is looking for, or is it more about the title and more money for you? Maybe you don't want others to wonder why you've been there so long and aren't yet a supervisor. Are you really the best person for the job? If you work because you need the money, the person who works because he loves what he does IS going to be promoted over you or be given more hours. When you're working, it's about productivity for the company; it's not about you, the type of reputation you'd like to build for yourself or the lifestyle you'd like to live. Sure you have bills to pay and things you want to buy, but so do the people who own the company you work for! Lights, rent, water and trash pick-up aren't free in their building. A bigger building on the other side of town may be better for their business. They have to earn money to pay for all of that, and that money comes from what you and your co-workers bring in for the company. So if you're skipped over for that promotion, or someone you don't know is hired in that position, it may not be as personal as you might think! It may be because of the earning potential of the person hired.
Here's one: to all the "Christian" folk out there, why do you visit the "sick and the shut-in"? Is it because those with limited ability/mobility may be lonely and in need of company or may have errands to run with no one who cares available to help them out? Or are you just trying to secure YOUR spot in Heaven? Well, that's not quite how Heaven works. It's not a place for those looking for social promotion. I know, OUCH!!! Check your motive: why do you do what you do? Are your acts good or are they really selfish? The best way to check that one is to identify who the benefactor of your kind gesture really is. If it's YOU, you're selfish; if it's others, you're selfless.
Selflessness is an extremely admirable quality, but not something you can attain through acts of unselfish behavior. It's not something you can do; you're either selfless or you're not. You can't do something for someone and then convince yourself you did it for the right reasons in order to be seen as unselfish. If you want to be selfless, here's a tip: Pay attention to WHAT needs to be done, not WHO you're doing it for. When the what becomes a who, selfishness is the motivator (as well as the end product because it's never ending). The point in being selfless? Peace, love, joy, patience, goodness, kindness, self-control, a balanced life, freedom from stress and strife, and....drumroll, please....TOTAL POSITIVE ENERGY! Positive energy uplifts you and everyone around you. It will take you to all of the places where peace, joy and love can be found and will connect you to all of that. You will be like a positive energy magnet, and before you know it, you'll be receiving as much as you're giving out without ever thinking about it! You won't have to look for love; love will find you! That is what true love and true life are all about: shared positive energy!!!! And that, in case you're wondering, is what Heaven IS all about! If your life feels like hell, maybe it's because you are selfishly killing yourself. Give yourself a break today. Do something positive that has nothing to do with you.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Season's Greetings!
"For everything, there is a time and a season; go before your season and you will quickly discover that it wasn't your time."
This one, for whatever reason is on my mind. Maybe one of you is subliminally looking for this answer, so here goes. Do you know what it truly means to fornicate? Most associate that term with sexual intercourse between two unmarried people. Maybe that's because most dictionaries will tell you that, but the real definition of fornication is "to take action before the appointed time". The first documented fornicated act took place between Adam and Eve. When we learn about that story in Sunday School, we are told they bit an apple. Well, if it were an apple they bit, why wasn't Eve cursed with mouth sores instead of pain in labor and having children? The worst part of that teaching is that once the Sunday School children become adults, the teachers never go back and let them know that the apple was more like...her cookies! No, just kidding. My apologies to those who are too rigid to get loose with anything Biblical. The fact of the matter is that Adam and Eve had sex before their time. Because of that, the term "fornication" is generally associated with people having sex. It wasn't the sex that killed them, or separated them from God, it was the fact that they were "fruitful" before their time. In the order of life, there is a time and a season for everything. Solomon wrote about it in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. As is written in Romans 8:28, "we know that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are the called according to His purpose." In the order of life, if you act before your time, your end result will be out of season. If it is out of season, your life will be out of order.
Go back over your situation. Retrace the steps of your life and identify what action(s) you took before your time. Not so that you can condemn yourself or be condemned by others, but so that you can begin to fix that which is out of order in your life.
This one, for whatever reason is on my mind. Maybe one of you is subliminally looking for this answer, so here goes. Do you know what it truly means to fornicate? Most associate that term with sexual intercourse between two unmarried people. Maybe that's because most dictionaries will tell you that, but the real definition of fornication is "to take action before the appointed time". The first documented fornicated act took place between Adam and Eve. When we learn about that story in Sunday School, we are told they bit an apple. Well, if it were an apple they bit, why wasn't Eve cursed with mouth sores instead of pain in labor and having children? The worst part of that teaching is that once the Sunday School children become adults, the teachers never go back and let them know that the apple was more like...her cookies! No, just kidding. My apologies to those who are too rigid to get loose with anything Biblical. The fact of the matter is that Adam and Eve had sex before their time. Because of that, the term "fornication" is generally associated with people having sex. It wasn't the sex that killed them, or separated them from God, it was the fact that they were "fruitful" before their time. In the order of life, there is a time and a season for everything. Solomon wrote about it in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. As is written in Romans 8:28, "we know that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are the called according to His purpose." In the order of life, if you act before your time, your end result will be out of season. If it is out of season, your life will be out of order.
Go back over your situation. Retrace the steps of your life and identify what action(s) you took before your time. Not so that you can condemn yourself or be condemned by others, but so that you can begin to fix that which is out of order in your life.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Welcome Family and Friends!
"Family are those who love you; everyone else is just a relative!"
Okay, let's face it. We don't get to put in our bid for our biological families. If we did, we'd all have great ones! The reality is that with all that's going on around us, most of them suck! Sounds harsh, I know, but it's the truth. (There goes that "T" word again. You know, the one that ruffles so many, many feathers!) Pick up the newspaper. Read news headlines and other stories online. Those crazies that are killing their children, spouses, friends, coworkers and random folks are family to somebody. Think of all the stories you hear on a daily basis about the things people do. Now think about the ones you have to tell. Maybe your family members aren't killing, but somebody around you is doing some really dumb stuff. Hell, I look around me sometimes and I swear I see the Clampetts! I know, I'm dating myself again. If you aren't as old as I am, you won't know much about The Beverly Hillbillies--or maybe you ARE as old as I am and just forgot. Memory is not always that great at our age!! Back to the seriousness, though. The Clampetts were a family from the Ozarks that struck oil--"black gold"--and moved to Beverly Hills. The money didn't change who they were inside (country bumpkins), and the posh area they moved to wasn't quite ready for them, let's say. The storyline made for a very successful situation comedy, but my situation isn't always so funny. Well, depending on the way you look at it! Sometimes, all I can do is laugh. It's amazing what you'll find when you look into the personalities of some of the people you grew up with; some of the folks who came from the same loins you came from! But that's just it. Just because they came from the same loins, or are the owners of those loins, doesn't mean you are them, nor does it mean you're responsible for what they do. They seem to think you are, but you aren't. The design behind family was that you were born to a set of parents and raised to the point of being able to leave the nest. When you gained the strength to do that, you went, became fruitful, multiplied, then became the head of your own family. Somewhere in that process, you were supposed to cut the apron strings. And maybe you did, but they didn't. Either way, holding on was not part of the design! You are not responsible for what happens to Elly Mae and Jethro! If they didn't hold up their end of the bargain, that's their problem. This doesn't mean you can't care; it just means you're NOT responsible. If this seems insensitive to you, there is one of three things going on in your head: you're co-dependent (so enmeshed with your family that you can't let go and be your own person), an enabler (one who keeps the codependent relationship going by making it okay for your family members to hold on to you) or you're the Jethro or Elly Mae (get a life!).
All kidding aside, in a healthy family situation, there's love, peace, joy, unity, etc. There is a general bond of peace, and the members build each other up. If the relationship with your biological family members is not constructive, meaning that it's tearing you down, find it inside yourself to let go. If not, your spouse, children, friends, neighbors, coworkers and everyone else you come in contact with WILL be effected. If you, for example, have a spouse/significant other and children, and you demand that your immediate family traditions are the same as those of your parents/extended family("I don't know why it has to be done like this; just do it. My mom/dad/family always did it this way!"), then you are jarring the bond of peace in your immediate family. If it's a good tradition, and it doesn't seem to bother any of you, then keep it. But don't just assume your mate/children aren't bothered. Extend the courtesy of asking. Maybe your mate has some great traditions of his/her own they'd like to keep. Communication is key in a healthy family. Don't just be an extension of your parents. We live in different times. Their way of doing things is quite different from ours. If you don't believe that, ask them about cloth diapers and sterilizing bottles, or meals cooked from scratch vs. fast or microwaveable food. Or for the younger generation, ask them about portable phones, cellulars or smart phones. Oh, here's one. Ask them how they enjoy the automatic/time delayed headlights in their new car. If they don't know what you're talking about, tell them it's time for a new car!!!
Seriously, biology and bloodline don't make family; love does. FAMILY members love each other. That means they deal with each other in truth, intelligence and integrity. If you're in a situation where you're trying to make your mom love you, your dad love you, your brothers/sisters respect your feelings to no avail, then it's time to shake these RELATIVES loose. You shouldn't have to do that, and for Heaven sakes, don't try to secure that "love" by buying/paying for things you can't afford, or doing things for them that you know you shouldn't be doing! That will only cause them to take advantage of you. That's what relatives do. Please understand this: no matter what you do, you can't make another person love you, family member or not. And please, don't fault yourself if they don't. The ability to love has to already exist on the inside of them. Look at the background/history of that person. Maybe it's not you they don't love. Maybe you remind them of someone they haven't or can't forgive. That's not your fault, but you can make it your problem if you are trying to be for this person what you can never be. Use that energy to be the best you you can be. Somebody, not excluding yourself, is going to love that. Hint: It will be someone capable of recognizing lovable qualities.
Last thought on this issue: Family members can share lots of things as they get older and become extended. Just not personal problems. If it's a personal problem, it's not necessarily a family issue--especially if the person with the problem is a willing participant in the situation. When the personal problems of the individual become family problems, the bond of peace and unity will be breached. Don't let a relative take you hostage with his situation. If there's a problem, and you want to help, stay distanced enough to help. If you're too close (all up in the business), you'll end up enabling and making the situation worse. In other words, if your family member is on a railroad track wanting to get hit by a train, stay off of the track and offer help. If you get on the track, you're both going to get hit. Love yourself and your family enough to stay off everyone else's suicide mission. Know this: if you get hit, YOUR children are going to have to bury you.
Okay, let's face it. We don't get to put in our bid for our biological families. If we did, we'd all have great ones! The reality is that with all that's going on around us, most of them suck! Sounds harsh, I know, but it's the truth. (There goes that "T" word again. You know, the one that ruffles so many, many feathers!) Pick up the newspaper. Read news headlines and other stories online. Those crazies that are killing their children, spouses, friends, coworkers and random folks are family to somebody. Think of all the stories you hear on a daily basis about the things people do. Now think about the ones you have to tell. Maybe your family members aren't killing, but somebody around you is doing some really dumb stuff. Hell, I look around me sometimes and I swear I see the Clampetts! I know, I'm dating myself again. If you aren't as old as I am, you won't know much about The Beverly Hillbillies--or maybe you ARE as old as I am and just forgot. Memory is not always that great at our age!! Back to the seriousness, though. The Clampetts were a family from the Ozarks that struck oil--"black gold"--and moved to Beverly Hills. The money didn't change who they were inside (country bumpkins), and the posh area they moved to wasn't quite ready for them, let's say. The storyline made for a very successful situation comedy, but my situation isn't always so funny. Well, depending on the way you look at it! Sometimes, all I can do is laugh. It's amazing what you'll find when you look into the personalities of some of the people you grew up with; some of the folks who came from the same loins you came from! But that's just it. Just because they came from the same loins, or are the owners of those loins, doesn't mean you are them, nor does it mean you're responsible for what they do. They seem to think you are, but you aren't. The design behind family was that you were born to a set of parents and raised to the point of being able to leave the nest. When you gained the strength to do that, you went, became fruitful, multiplied, then became the head of your own family. Somewhere in that process, you were supposed to cut the apron strings. And maybe you did, but they didn't. Either way, holding on was not part of the design! You are not responsible for what happens to Elly Mae and Jethro! If they didn't hold up their end of the bargain, that's their problem. This doesn't mean you can't care; it just means you're NOT responsible. If this seems insensitive to you, there is one of three things going on in your head: you're co-dependent (so enmeshed with your family that you can't let go and be your own person), an enabler (one who keeps the codependent relationship going by making it okay for your family members to hold on to you) or you're the Jethro or Elly Mae (get a life!).
All kidding aside, in a healthy family situation, there's love, peace, joy, unity, etc. There is a general bond of peace, and the members build each other up. If the relationship with your biological family members is not constructive, meaning that it's tearing you down, find it inside yourself to let go. If not, your spouse, children, friends, neighbors, coworkers and everyone else you come in contact with WILL be effected. If you, for example, have a spouse/significant other and children, and you demand that your immediate family traditions are the same as those of your parents/extended family("I don't know why it has to be done like this; just do it. My mom/dad/family always did it this way!"), then you are jarring the bond of peace in your immediate family. If it's a good tradition, and it doesn't seem to bother any of you, then keep it. But don't just assume your mate/children aren't bothered. Extend the courtesy of asking. Maybe your mate has some great traditions of his/her own they'd like to keep. Communication is key in a healthy family. Don't just be an extension of your parents. We live in different times. Their way of doing things is quite different from ours. If you don't believe that, ask them about cloth diapers and sterilizing bottles, or meals cooked from scratch vs. fast or microwaveable food. Or for the younger generation, ask them about portable phones, cellulars or smart phones. Oh, here's one. Ask them how they enjoy the automatic/time delayed headlights in their new car. If they don't know what you're talking about, tell them it's time for a new car!!!
Seriously, biology and bloodline don't make family; love does. FAMILY members love each other. That means they deal with each other in truth, intelligence and integrity. If you're in a situation where you're trying to make your mom love you, your dad love you, your brothers/sisters respect your feelings to no avail, then it's time to shake these RELATIVES loose. You shouldn't have to do that, and for Heaven sakes, don't try to secure that "love" by buying/paying for things you can't afford, or doing things for them that you know you shouldn't be doing! That will only cause them to take advantage of you. That's what relatives do. Please understand this: no matter what you do, you can't make another person love you, family member or not. And please, don't fault yourself if they don't. The ability to love has to already exist on the inside of them. Look at the background/history of that person. Maybe it's not you they don't love. Maybe you remind them of someone they haven't or can't forgive. That's not your fault, but you can make it your problem if you are trying to be for this person what you can never be. Use that energy to be the best you you can be. Somebody, not excluding yourself, is going to love that. Hint: It will be someone capable of recognizing lovable qualities.
Last thought on this issue: Family members can share lots of things as they get older and become extended. Just not personal problems. If it's a personal problem, it's not necessarily a family issue--especially if the person with the problem is a willing participant in the situation. When the personal problems of the individual become family problems, the bond of peace and unity will be breached. Don't let a relative take you hostage with his situation. If there's a problem, and you want to help, stay distanced enough to help. If you're too close (all up in the business), you'll end up enabling and making the situation worse. In other words, if your family member is on a railroad track wanting to get hit by a train, stay off of the track and offer help. If you get on the track, you're both going to get hit. Love yourself and your family enough to stay off everyone else's suicide mission. Know this: if you get hit, YOUR children are going to have to bury you.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
The Necessity of Pain
"Pain is the cost of wisdom; growth is the interest earned."
Pain is the underside of compassion. Without it, we can never truly understand what others go through. Without understanding, we are harsh, critical, cynical, and downright heartless. Oh, yeah, and quite boring and shallow. Have you ever listened to the concerns/complaints of someone who has obviously not been through many hardships? Like the co-worker who just graduated from college and has the same position you have with a lot less experience/know how, yet thinks he/she knows more than you do. Or worse, he/she is your new supervisor? The classmate who is much younger than you or is from the rich side of town? Your old drinking buddy's new wife? The new convert to a devout religion? The new teacher on the staff? You get the picture. Sometimes they talk, and you just see red. I think of the infamous reality t.v. star who broke her toenail and went ballistic. Okay, giving her the benefit of the doubt, paparazzi is always snapping photos of her that are seen by the world and her appearance needs to be flawless at all times to save her the embarrassment of them capturing and publishing any little imperfection. But, keeping it real, ACRYLIC! Go to a nail shop and get the blasted thing fixed. Wear some closed toed shoes on the way so that no one sees your flaw. Better yet, stuff happens! We all know today's beauty comes in a box. You bought 90% of you! It ain't crucial (yes, I know ain't isn't a word, but it's use is great for emphasis, so bear with me). How about when she went left on her mother after finding out she'd inherited psoriasis from her. Really, Ms. Beautiful? You should see some of the stuff the rest of us have to cover up that we're not getting paid for...
...anyway. Back to the point. Pain is truly the cost of wisdom because it is the underside of compassion. Last night, I sat with my beautiful, intelligent, hardworking, responsible daughter through the first day of her menstrual cycle, which is always excruciatingly painful for her. For the first few years of this, I watched hopelessly each time and prayed for the pain and the nausea to go away. I wondered why my prayer had not been answered over the years and my heart began to ache more deeply. Then one night, as she was going through this, my dad walked in the house wearing a shirt that my ex-marine niece had sent him that said, "Pain is weakness being worked out of the body." I had my answer. Oh, did I mention that of all the qualities and attributes my daughter had, compassion was NOT one of them? Spoiled rotten to the core and couldn't understand why others didn't see life the way she did. Life was simple for her and, of course, she attributed that to her smarts. Wrong, Baby. That was the direct result of the protective bubble you lived in for most of your life, with God and Mom protecting you every step of the way! I remember me, before divorce and homelessness, and it's almost embarrassing. I had earned an advanced degree, married the man of my choice, lived in a big beautiful starter home, had achieved all I had set out to, then landed a few good jobs back to back as a counselor and as a part-time university professor! In my mind, I had it all and knew it all! Then the pain hit. Did I mention that I also lacked necessary compassion? I'm compassionate as hell now, though! Because I understand what folks are going through! I understand YOU!
Seriously, the worst part of pain is not the way it feels. The absolute worst part of pain is coming through it no stronger than you were before, and having to go through it again. If the pain never stops, maybe it's because you need to change. You can't expect a different outcome if you keep doing the same things over and over. Change up! When you come to that painful fork in the road again, take a different route. For example, all men/women are not bad; maybe you're just no good at relationships. Maybe you need to love yourself more than you love being able to say that someone else does. Take a look at yourself and do some things to become a better you! Then you will attract mates who want to be in relationships with people with higher self-esteem. Maybe your low self-esteem is dragging others down with you. Or maybe you should leave relationships alone for a while! Read a book. Take up a hobby. Find out what you like about you instead of trying to find someone else who likes you.
Pain is not the problem; it's the teacher, and you're the student. Don't go through your pain in vain. Analyze your situation, retrace your steps and do something different from what you did before. Learn something from the pain and give back the wisdom you bought with it to someone who needs it. I find it easier to go through pain when someone other than me will benefit from it. I went through years of pain to be able to write this to you. Don't let my pain be in vain.
Pain is the underside of compassion. Without it, we can never truly understand what others go through. Without understanding, we are harsh, critical, cynical, and downright heartless. Oh, yeah, and quite boring and shallow. Have you ever listened to the concerns/complaints of someone who has obviously not been through many hardships? Like the co-worker who just graduated from college and has the same position you have with a lot less experience/know how, yet thinks he/she knows more than you do. Or worse, he/she is your new supervisor? The classmate who is much younger than you or is from the rich side of town? Your old drinking buddy's new wife? The new convert to a devout religion? The new teacher on the staff? You get the picture. Sometimes they talk, and you just see red. I think of the infamous reality t.v. star who broke her toenail and went ballistic. Okay, giving her the benefit of the doubt, paparazzi is always snapping photos of her that are seen by the world and her appearance needs to be flawless at all times to save her the embarrassment of them capturing and publishing any little imperfection. But, keeping it real, ACRYLIC! Go to a nail shop and get the blasted thing fixed. Wear some closed toed shoes on the way so that no one sees your flaw. Better yet, stuff happens! We all know today's beauty comes in a box. You bought 90% of you! It ain't crucial (yes, I know ain't isn't a word, but it's use is great for emphasis, so bear with me). How about when she went left on her mother after finding out she'd inherited psoriasis from her. Really, Ms. Beautiful? You should see some of the stuff the rest of us have to cover up that we're not getting paid for...
...anyway. Back to the point. Pain is truly the cost of wisdom because it is the underside of compassion. Last night, I sat with my beautiful, intelligent, hardworking, responsible daughter through the first day of her menstrual cycle, which is always excruciatingly painful for her. For the first few years of this, I watched hopelessly each time and prayed for the pain and the nausea to go away. I wondered why my prayer had not been answered over the years and my heart began to ache more deeply. Then one night, as she was going through this, my dad walked in the house wearing a shirt that my ex-marine niece had sent him that said, "Pain is weakness being worked out of the body." I had my answer. Oh, did I mention that of all the qualities and attributes my daughter had, compassion was NOT one of them? Spoiled rotten to the core and couldn't understand why others didn't see life the way she did. Life was simple for her and, of course, she attributed that to her smarts. Wrong, Baby. That was the direct result of the protective bubble you lived in for most of your life, with God and Mom protecting you every step of the way! I remember me, before divorce and homelessness, and it's almost embarrassing. I had earned an advanced degree, married the man of my choice, lived in a big beautiful starter home, had achieved all I had set out to, then landed a few good jobs back to back as a counselor and as a part-time university professor! In my mind, I had it all and knew it all! Then the pain hit. Did I mention that I also lacked necessary compassion? I'm compassionate as hell now, though! Because I understand what folks are going through! I understand YOU!
Seriously, the worst part of pain is not the way it feels. The absolute worst part of pain is coming through it no stronger than you were before, and having to go through it again. If the pain never stops, maybe it's because you need to change. You can't expect a different outcome if you keep doing the same things over and over. Change up! When you come to that painful fork in the road again, take a different route. For example, all men/women are not bad; maybe you're just no good at relationships. Maybe you need to love yourself more than you love being able to say that someone else does. Take a look at yourself and do some things to become a better you! Then you will attract mates who want to be in relationships with people with higher self-esteem. Maybe your low self-esteem is dragging others down with you. Or maybe you should leave relationships alone for a while! Read a book. Take up a hobby. Find out what you like about you instead of trying to find someone else who likes you.
Pain is not the problem; it's the teacher, and you're the student. Don't go through your pain in vain. Analyze your situation, retrace your steps and do something different from what you did before. Learn something from the pain and give back the wisdom you bought with it to someone who needs it. I find it easier to go through pain when someone other than me will benefit from it. I went through years of pain to be able to write this to you. Don't let my pain be in vain.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Wisdom is Food For the Soul...
"Wisdom is food for the soul; without it, no one is able to grow."
This growth does not apply to the physical; it refers to the development of the mind. Wisdom is, plain and simple, nourishment for the psyche. Without it, we will grow physically, but in the mind we are adults with childlike thoughts, fears, questions, answers, etc. What's worse is that our problem solving, organizational, leadership, and active daily living skills will be stunted because we won't have the maturity necessary to pull ourselves out of the childlike state. That means that we are left to make decisions in an adult world for ourselves and our families with the skill level of a child, and that is a horrible existence in a world that's spinning out of control around us. Wisdom is like a heathy, organic diet for the mind. You can choose not to go organic or healthy and survive, but your quality of life will be limited. Let me explain. Every choice we make is a direct result of the wisdom on the inside of us. If there isn't much wisdom in there, our choices are going to reflect that and we will be judged and critiqued accordingly. Regardless of how much we'd like to think that we should be able to do what we want, live where we want, work where we want, etc., without being judged or criticized, we really can't escape it, the first judge and worst critic being ourselves. We know when we are not accomplishing anything or contributing much, and it makes us feel less than those who are. (I'm sure someone reading this is saying, "not me." Really, not you? Then let me guess. Your best friends are doctors? Upstanding lawmakers or judges? Businessmen/women? University professors or school administrators? City officials? The first lady of your church? People who make a difference? I didn't think so. LOL)
All kidding aside, without wisdom we are reduced to mere self-survivors with the quality of life of a gnat! Then we raise little gnats because we don't know how to help them to achieve any more than we did! We can't contribute much to our families or the rest of society because we don't know much. So, today, make the choice to take a bite of the wisdom apple. Pull some fruit from the tree of wisdom in order to build a better tomorrow for yourself, your mate, your children (small or adult), your friends, your neighbors, your co-workers, your animals and the rest of the world around you. It's NEVER too late. P.S. Don't know where to find wisdom? Start in the Bible, in the book of Proverbs, using an NLT or NIV version. Even if you are atheist or agnostic. Wisdom is wisdom. Try it for yourself. If you don't think it's wisdom, put it down and look for better source, but I can tell you there isn't one.
This growth does not apply to the physical; it refers to the development of the mind. Wisdom is, plain and simple, nourishment for the psyche. Without it, we will grow physically, but in the mind we are adults with childlike thoughts, fears, questions, answers, etc. What's worse is that our problem solving, organizational, leadership, and active daily living skills will be stunted because we won't have the maturity necessary to pull ourselves out of the childlike state. That means that we are left to make decisions in an adult world for ourselves and our families with the skill level of a child, and that is a horrible existence in a world that's spinning out of control around us. Wisdom is like a heathy, organic diet for the mind. You can choose not to go organic or healthy and survive, but your quality of life will be limited. Let me explain. Every choice we make is a direct result of the wisdom on the inside of us. If there isn't much wisdom in there, our choices are going to reflect that and we will be judged and critiqued accordingly. Regardless of how much we'd like to think that we should be able to do what we want, live where we want, work where we want, etc., without being judged or criticized, we really can't escape it, the first judge and worst critic being ourselves. We know when we are not accomplishing anything or contributing much, and it makes us feel less than those who are. (I'm sure someone reading this is saying, "not me." Really, not you? Then let me guess. Your best friends are doctors? Upstanding lawmakers or judges? Businessmen/women? University professors or school administrators? City officials? The first lady of your church? People who make a difference? I didn't think so. LOL)
All kidding aside, without wisdom we are reduced to mere self-survivors with the quality of life of a gnat! Then we raise little gnats because we don't know how to help them to achieve any more than we did! We can't contribute much to our families or the rest of society because we don't know much. So, today, make the choice to take a bite of the wisdom apple. Pull some fruit from the tree of wisdom in order to build a better tomorrow for yourself, your mate, your children (small or adult), your friends, your neighbors, your co-workers, your animals and the rest of the world around you. It's NEVER too late. P.S. Don't know where to find wisdom? Start in the Bible, in the book of Proverbs, using an NLT or NIV version. Even if you are atheist or agnostic. Wisdom is wisdom. Try it for yourself. If you don't think it's wisdom, put it down and look for better source, but I can tell you there isn't one.
Friday, January 20, 2012
And So It Continues...
"Love covers a multitude of sins, but lies didn't make the list."
We've talked about moms, dads, husbands, wives, neighbors and pastors lying. Guess who has not yet been addressed?
WARNING: This is where the truth is really going to ruffle some feathers. If you're one who needs it watered down or softened (making it an altered truth-which is just a soft lie!), DO NOT PROCEED! This one is going to the heart of YOUR matter, who ever you may be. If the following doesn't apply to you, it's okay. It applies to someone who wants and needs to hear it. So here goes:
People, stop lying to yourselves. Stop lying to yourself (and to others) about things that you really don't feel in your heart. It's understandable that some things are easier to just say than to have to explain. It's easier to say "I love you, too" than it is to say, "No, really. You make me sick." Why? Because it's easier and more fashionable to just say that which is socially acceptable. Honesty is society's most grossly underestimated power source. Take back your power (or get you some!) by removing the black robes and gavels from the people you allow to judge you, and start talking to those who won't. The reason you lie doesn't even matter; that you lied does! There seems to be this unspoken societal rule that says if you lie, you will be accepted. That's true. You will be accepted by other liars!!! Be honest. Most won't accept you, or what you have to say, but let's face it. Most people are not meeting the standard of perfection required to be a judge of moral character themselves. So don't let them judge you. Keeping it real with them will show you whether or not you should be accepted as a part of their group because it can only be a circle of honesty or web of lies anyway. Let's take a look at the list of things that most broken folks lie about. I've gotta warn you. This is not going to be easy, but real truth never is. The thing that most people lie about is love. Probably because not many people really understand what love is since they've been lied to about it, too. Not all lies are intentional. Many are inherited. The biggest lie about love: God loves everybody. Not so. Read Malachi 1:1-3 and Romans 9:13 (read all of chapter 9 for a real good explanation of this). God Himself proclaimed that He does not love everybody. But before you lose heart, read Matthew 10: 21-28. Jesus does show compassion if you truly want it. The second lie about love is that all parents love their children. Now this is a big one. NO ONE wants to hear this, but as a counselor, I heard it all the time. You'd be surprised at the honesty that will come out of a broken heart behind a closed door. Don't lose heart here, either. Just because someone starts out not loving doesn't mean that they can't ever learn to love. The problem is that these people have been lied to by a society that believes that just because a person is capable of bearing/siring children, he/she is also capable of loving them. The man and woman involved may have lied or been lied to as the child was being conceived. He may have lied and said, "I love you." She may have lied to the father of the child about the conception (the child may not even be his!). He may have told her he loved her and thought he really did, but found later that it was just lust. (The two are often confused.) Now she has this child, he's gone, she's angry, and society is requiring her to love the outcome of their less than honest union. If this is the case, chances are, she's not going to admit that she doesn't love the child, and neither will he, for that matter. It would be socially unacceptable to make an admission like that, yes, but that child is going to grow up confused about what love is and the cycle will continue. The third lie, which is more an assumption, is that people love themselves. Most people never really think about that one, but the fact of the matter is that if you can't love yourself, you can't love anyone else. You can't give what you don't have. Newsflash: if you don't love yourself, your heart is not open to anyone else loving you, either. Don't expect others to be able to give you what you can't give to yourself.
We've talked about moms, dads, husbands, wives, neighbors and pastors lying. Guess who has not yet been addressed?
WARNING: This is where the truth is really going to ruffle some feathers. If you're one who needs it watered down or softened (making it an altered truth-which is just a soft lie!), DO NOT PROCEED! This one is going to the heart of YOUR matter, who ever you may be. If the following doesn't apply to you, it's okay. It applies to someone who wants and needs to hear it. So here goes:
People, stop lying to yourselves. Stop lying to yourself (and to others) about things that you really don't feel in your heart. It's understandable that some things are easier to just say than to have to explain. It's easier to say "I love you, too" than it is to say, "No, really. You make me sick." Why? Because it's easier and more fashionable to just say that which is socially acceptable. Honesty is society's most grossly underestimated power source. Take back your power (or get you some!) by removing the black robes and gavels from the people you allow to judge you, and start talking to those who won't. The reason you lie doesn't even matter; that you lied does! There seems to be this unspoken societal rule that says if you lie, you will be accepted. That's true. You will be accepted by other liars!!! Be honest. Most won't accept you, or what you have to say, but let's face it. Most people are not meeting the standard of perfection required to be a judge of moral character themselves. So don't let them judge you. Keeping it real with them will show you whether or not you should be accepted as a part of their group because it can only be a circle of honesty or web of lies anyway. Let's take a look at the list of things that most broken folks lie about. I've gotta warn you. This is not going to be easy, but real truth never is. The thing that most people lie about is love. Probably because not many people really understand what love is since they've been lied to about it, too. Not all lies are intentional. Many are inherited. The biggest lie about love: God loves everybody. Not so. Read Malachi 1:1-3 and Romans 9:13 (read all of chapter 9 for a real good explanation of this). God Himself proclaimed that He does not love everybody. But before you lose heart, read Matthew 10: 21-28. Jesus does show compassion if you truly want it. The second lie about love is that all parents love their children. Now this is a big one. NO ONE wants to hear this, but as a counselor, I heard it all the time. You'd be surprised at the honesty that will come out of a broken heart behind a closed door. Don't lose heart here, either. Just because someone starts out not loving doesn't mean that they can't ever learn to love. The problem is that these people have been lied to by a society that believes that just because a person is capable of bearing/siring children, he/she is also capable of loving them. The man and woman involved may have lied or been lied to as the child was being conceived. He may have lied and said, "I love you." She may have lied to the father of the child about the conception (the child may not even be his!). He may have told her he loved her and thought he really did, but found later that it was just lust. (The two are often confused.) Now she has this child, he's gone, she's angry, and society is requiring her to love the outcome of their less than honest union. If this is the case, chances are, she's not going to admit that she doesn't love the child, and neither will he, for that matter. It would be socially unacceptable to make an admission like that, yes, but that child is going to grow up confused about what love is and the cycle will continue. The third lie, which is more an assumption, is that people love themselves. Most people never really think about that one, but the fact of the matter is that if you can't love yourself, you can't love anyone else. You can't give what you don't have. Newsflash: if you don't love yourself, your heart is not open to anyone else loving you, either. Don't expect others to be able to give you what you can't give to yourself.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Okay, I Couldn't Leave It Alone!
"Truth is inevitable; acceptance, understanding and growth are optional."
Oh what tangled webs we weave when the truth we refuse to receive. I'll be honest with you: truth is a feather ruffler! That's why most people avoid it. But the problem with the avoidance is that lies and deception cause a brokenness in life that only truth can fix. This brokenness can be mental, emotional, spiritual and/or physical, and will reach far beyond the one who told the lie in the first place, destroying everything in its path. A mother, for example, who doesn't want to face the truth about her relationship with her child's father, can lie about what a great man he is to make the child believe he's great. But when the father comes home drunk, or if he doesn't come home at all, if he verbally or physically abuses the child or the wife, the child is led to believe that's the kind of fruit "good" men bear. When he grows up to treat his wife and child in the same way, he won't understand what he's doing wrong because his mother, the one he trusted, taught him that there was nothing wrong with his father's behavior! What the father does to the mother doesn't go unnoticed by the child and that child grows up broken. The sad part of that is that society will expect that now grown child to know how to function as a productive and law abiding citizen. Most of us don't understand brokenness of spirit. It's very similar to physical brokenness. Try walking on a broken bone. You don't really have to be in that situation to know how painful that can be. Depending on the break, it could even be impossible to do. Now try walking around with a broken heart. The results can be the same! Brokenness of heart/life can be as painful and as dangerous as the brokenness of a bone. By avoiding the truth, telling it or hearing it, the broken places in the life can't be fixed. Mothers, stop lying to your children about the mistakes you never made. Dads, stop lying to your sons about how it's not supposed to hurt. Husbands, stop lying to your wives about how brave you're really not. Wives, stop lying to your husbands about how good the sex is. Neighbors, stop lying to your neighbors about the things you don't really have and the status in life you could only wish to achieve. Pastors, stop lying to your congregations about perfection being the way to Heaven (told you it could ruffle your feathers!) The truth hurts, yes, but lies spin webs that will destroy generations of lives until someone is brave enough to tell or hear the truth and act on it.
Oh what tangled webs we weave when the truth we refuse to receive. I'll be honest with you: truth is a feather ruffler! That's why most people avoid it. But the problem with the avoidance is that lies and deception cause a brokenness in life that only truth can fix. This brokenness can be mental, emotional, spiritual and/or physical, and will reach far beyond the one who told the lie in the first place, destroying everything in its path. A mother, for example, who doesn't want to face the truth about her relationship with her child's father, can lie about what a great man he is to make the child believe he's great. But when the father comes home drunk, or if he doesn't come home at all, if he verbally or physically abuses the child or the wife, the child is led to believe that's the kind of fruit "good" men bear. When he grows up to treat his wife and child in the same way, he won't understand what he's doing wrong because his mother, the one he trusted, taught him that there was nothing wrong with his father's behavior! What the father does to the mother doesn't go unnoticed by the child and that child grows up broken. The sad part of that is that society will expect that now grown child to know how to function as a productive and law abiding citizen. Most of us don't understand brokenness of spirit. It's very similar to physical brokenness. Try walking on a broken bone. You don't really have to be in that situation to know how painful that can be. Depending on the break, it could even be impossible to do. Now try walking around with a broken heart. The results can be the same! Brokenness of heart/life can be as painful and as dangerous as the brokenness of a bone. By avoiding the truth, telling it or hearing it, the broken places in the life can't be fixed. Mothers, stop lying to your children about the mistakes you never made. Dads, stop lying to your sons about how it's not supposed to hurt. Husbands, stop lying to your wives about how brave you're really not. Wives, stop lying to your husbands about how good the sex is. Neighbors, stop lying to your neighbors about the things you don't really have and the status in life you could only wish to achieve. Pastors, stop lying to your congregations about perfection being the way to Heaven (told you it could ruffle your feathers!) The truth hurts, yes, but lies spin webs that will destroy generations of lives until someone is brave enough to tell or hear the truth and act on it.
Truth is Inevitable...
"Truth is inevitable; acceptance, understanding, and growth are optional."
"As I live," saith the Lord, "every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess to God." (Romans 14:11) Enough said.
"As I live," saith the Lord, "every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess to God." (Romans 14:11) Enough said.
ARE YOU IN OR OUT?
"Newsflash: People don't want help OUT; they want help IN."
Okay, let's face it. All of us have that relative, friend or co-worker who lives in a messed up situation that no one else quite understands. As pitiful or ridiculous as it is, he/she can't or won't seem to get out of it. And if that's not bad enough, he/she constantly calls you for an ear, or a shoulder to cry on. Some of us just listen; others of us offer advice. Some of us rant and rave when that person is not around about how stupid he/she is. Others bury their heads in the sand, hoping the situation will fix itself or just go away. Then there are those who don't care enough to hear it anymore. They don't even bother to answer the phone or the door when the pitiful soul comes ringing, leaving them to figure it out on their own. But that's not the sad part of it all. The really sad part is that even if given a great solution to the problem, the loved one involved probably wouldn't want to hear it anyway! I've seen a time in life when domestic violence was the exception to the rule in relationships. Yes, I'm telling my age, but I've also seen a time when most addicts tried to hide their addictions. There was a time when mental illnesses and emotional disorders were something to be very concerned about. During my decades on this earth, I've even witnessed a time when families loved, supported, and cared for each other so much that when advice had to be given to a loved one regarding an unhealthy situation, the loved one felt compelled to listen. It just wasn't okay to have your family know that your mate was abusing you, for example. So what has changed, you ask? The fact that people are comfortable in their situations! There is no shame. They don't want help out of their situations; they want help in them! Family members and loved ones don't want the wisdom that will help them to get out of unhealthy situations; they'd rather you pay the rent, the bills, the bail, the fees, etc., that they can't afford or don't want to pay themselves! "Shut up and put up" is their motto! They just want you to shell out money, take them in, let them crash on your couch, lend your car, call upon your contacts, feed them and/or their kids, buy them their drink, etc.! And if you do any of the above...you are an enabler!!! Who are you enabling? What toxic relationship or situation are you funding or accommodating? Who is accommodating you? Wisdom cries out aloud in the streets, and if your loved one doesn't want the wisdom, don't give them anything at all because at that point, you are not helping; you're hurting. You may as well buy a shovel. It will help you to dig their grave a whole lot faster.
Okay, let's face it. All of us have that relative, friend or co-worker who lives in a messed up situation that no one else quite understands. As pitiful or ridiculous as it is, he/she can't or won't seem to get out of it. And if that's not bad enough, he/she constantly calls you for an ear, or a shoulder to cry on. Some of us just listen; others of us offer advice. Some of us rant and rave when that person is not around about how stupid he/she is. Others bury their heads in the sand, hoping the situation will fix itself or just go away. Then there are those who don't care enough to hear it anymore. They don't even bother to answer the phone or the door when the pitiful soul comes ringing, leaving them to figure it out on their own. But that's not the sad part of it all. The really sad part is that even if given a great solution to the problem, the loved one involved probably wouldn't want to hear it anyway! I've seen a time in life when domestic violence was the exception to the rule in relationships. Yes, I'm telling my age, but I've also seen a time when most addicts tried to hide their addictions. There was a time when mental illnesses and emotional disorders were something to be very concerned about. During my decades on this earth, I've even witnessed a time when families loved, supported, and cared for each other so much that when advice had to be given to a loved one regarding an unhealthy situation, the loved one felt compelled to listen. It just wasn't okay to have your family know that your mate was abusing you, for example. So what has changed, you ask? The fact that people are comfortable in their situations! There is no shame. They don't want help out of their situations; they want help in them! Family members and loved ones don't want the wisdom that will help them to get out of unhealthy situations; they'd rather you pay the rent, the bills, the bail, the fees, etc., that they can't afford or don't want to pay themselves! "Shut up and put up" is their motto! They just want you to shell out money, take them in, let them crash on your couch, lend your car, call upon your contacts, feed them and/or their kids, buy them their drink, etc.! And if you do any of the above...you are an enabler!!! Who are you enabling? What toxic relationship or situation are you funding or accommodating? Who is accommodating you? Wisdom cries out aloud in the streets, and if your loved one doesn't want the wisdom, don't give them anything at all because at that point, you are not helping; you're hurting. You may as well buy a shovel. It will help you to dig their grave a whole lot faster.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Ready, Set, Go!
It's 3 in the morning and I've decided to start a blog. Why? For the obvious reason: I've got some things "on my mind" that I'd like to share with the world. Working in various counseling positions, I've gathered a lot of wisdom and knowledge over the years and would often like to share it, but I've learned, over time, that hurting people aren't as open to wisdom as they should be. The format of this blog will be as follows: personal quote, explanation, pearl of wisdom, closure. Or something like that! I'll try to stick with a format, but we'll see. First things first: my 29 year old nephew died of cancer four days ago, and I would like to dedicate this blog to his memory. J. Wade, I love you, Man. Rest in peace. The last conversation he and I had was on New Year's Day. He asked me to read his blog, so I did. It wasn't easy because it detailed his illness. Though I am certainly not implying that he was one who wasn't open to wisdom, his blog inspired my blog. So today, Jarret Wade is on my mind...
"Life as we know it is just a mirage."
Have you ever asked yourself what the meaning of life is? What is life to you? Does life exist in the body or in the mind? Sounds like a dumb question until you explore it. What is life? Some will answer that it is existence on earth. My answer is energy. Positive energy. There are many people, places and things that exist on earth, but if the energy exuded from them is not positive, they will suck the life right out of you! (or maybe YOU'RE sucking the life out of them!)
Think about the quality of your life. If it sucks, then maybe you need to let go of the people, places and things in your life that drain you of positive energy: a nagging partner, a dead-end job, "persistent" family members, gossiping or "default" friends (those are they that you only hang out with because you have no one else, or those you feel obligated to because they were there when...), traditions that you partake of regularly without really knowing their purpose or value, etc. If you can't let go, you may not be LIVING; just merely EXISTING!
One thing I knew about Jarret Wade was that he lived a quality life. That kid was full of positive energy. Anyone who knew him would attest to that! He was truly "FLY"! You will be missed greatly, Jarret. Once again, rest in peace, My Love.
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