"No, really. Did you just say that out loud?"
WARNING: Graphic analogy. Read at your own risk!
I hate to be so crass, but some people's thoughts are like boogers: you know they're in there, and as uncomfortable as they are, getting them out should be a strategic, clandestine, and private affair. But some folks just go for it right in front of you, making you quite uncomfortable. No seriously, have you noticed that people these days have an opinion about everything, and those who voice their opinions the loudest are the ones who really should excuse themselves from the crowd to find a nice quiet, private place to deal with their thoughts and return when all is under control? Why don't people plan what they are going to talk about, thinking first about how uncomfortable what they are going to say may make others feel? This list of do's and don'ts is written to the big mouths who make it obvious that the only time they really think is just before they open their mouths and cog up the stupidity that drives the rest of us crazy. Maybe this will help them to understand how annoying what they say and do really is! It's also dedicated to those poor souls who have to live, work, or play (as in sports) with them and have to listen to their nonsense all day long. I feel your pain! I'll try to keep it simple to make sure it doesn't fry the brains of those who demonstrate daily that they only have a few good brain cells left:
1. If you don't understand how government works, please don't talk politics!
2. If you can barely make ends meet here in America, stop talking about what you will do for the starving citizens of Africa if/when you win the lottery. You know you're going to spend all that money on Y-O-U and Pookie 'nem. Stop lying to yourself. Trust me, it does not make you look humble.
3. If you don't play the lottery, stop talking about what you'll do when you win. In case no one's ever told you, you can't win if you're not playing!
4. If you are playing the lottery, stop apologizing to Christians for doing so. We're not into your business that deeply.
5. If you feel good about yourself because you go to church weekly, don't expect an apology from those of us who don't. We don't owe you an explanation nor do we feel badly for not having the same routine as you. We're mature enough to worship in the way that's right for us. Judge ye not that you be judged by the same measure!
6. Don't buy a Chanel, Coach, or Michael Kors bag if the purchase is going to leave you struggling to eat/pay bills for the rest of the month. Rule of thumb: if you don't have at least half the cost of the bag to put in it, you probably shouldn't be carrying it!
7. Unless your apartment is a penthouse, don't buy a high performance vehicle. Luxury/sports cars are made for garages, not parking spaces! Your transportation shouldn't cost more than your dwelling. Really, it shouldn't.
8. If you can't afford the insurance, tires or maintenance on a Lexus, BMW, Mercedes, etc., perhaps you should drive something a little more economical--like a KIA.
9. If the only use for your computer is surfing the web, or if your typing skills are limited to using only one finger at a time, buy a PC. The more expensive MAC computer should not be used as a status symbol or a starter machine.
10. If you're having trouble paying your utility bills or feeding your children, the iPhone is probably not a good investment for you. If your monthly cell phone bill were a lot less expensive, your children would be able to eat more and have more light as they try to read at night.
11. Cold cereal is NOT dinner. If you have young children, the best meal for them is a well balanced one. Feed them something nutritious so they can get a good start in life. There's something to be said for fruits and vegetables!
12. Having to look at too many colors at one time tends to over stimulate the senses. Please limit the number of colors you put in your hair if you want to be taken seriously! Also, figure out which hairstyles you like, and wear them ONE AT A TIME!
13. If you're going to follow someone, make sure you know where they're going, and if there is where you want to be!
14. Children aren't free, and growing up without the bare necessities is so hard for them. The math is simple: if neither of you work and you're not independently wealthy, you can't afford to take care of a child. You might want to rethink your plans on that one. And finally...
15. Just because you like it doesn't mean it flatters your waistline! If you're a size 18, 16's and below were not made for you.
Of course this was all done in fun, however, if the shoe fits...But seriously, the state of our country, including the economy, didn't get bad all by itself. As citizens and consumers, we helped to destroy it more than we realize. Yes, we are all guilty to some degree, but we can all do our part in helping to put our country back on it's feet by being and buying smarter. The best way to do that is to exchange and entertain conversations that are constructive and encouraging as we live within our means. Living beyond our means and entertaining stupidity, which stunts mental/emotional growth, has damaged our nation greatly, and it's up to us to do whatever we need to do to repair it. Think smart. Be smart. Live smart. It's your patriotic duty.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Define Rich
"Rich is not what's in your bank account; it's what's in your memory bank."
What if the earth as you know it crashed today. Say it flew out of orbit, and smashed into a galaxy that turned most of the land into water. The only dry land available is where you were standing, give or take a few miles. There are other people there with you, but not anyone you know, because the crash shuffled everything around. Though you and the others around you took flight when the earth went out of orbit, you landed relatively safely, but not in an area familiar to any of you, nor with people you have ever seen before. Who would you want on that strip of land with you? Describe five to ten people you'd hope to see in that space with you. The description can be physical, spiritual, mental, or emotional. Go on, describe. You can even get a writing utensil and a sheet of paper to help you with this. I'll wait...
...
...(some of you may need a little more time than others.)
...
...(still waiting.)
...
...aw, hell. I don't have that much time! We've got to move on! If you have at least five people, you're off to a good start--unless they are five people who are designed to satisfy your taste in mates and you just want them there to fulfill your lustful pleasures, whatever they may be. If that's what you've done, you're probably a useless hunk of protoplasm just taking up earth space. You're an undisciplined creature of...no, just kidding.
On a more serious note, who is sharing the island with you? What are they going to get from you being there? What will you remember and be able to contribute to the rebuilding of a new society? If, for example, all you had was money, you're going to remember how to make money, but who, other than you, would that benefit? Remember that the grass roots of capitalism is barter/trade. In other words, the Utopian society that existed long before money exchange and greed took over.
If all you remember is your family, that's nice, but you're going to be grieving for a long time. Too bad for you. As wonderful as it can be to have a supportive family around you, in a situation like this, you're going to have to let them go in order to appreciate the fact that your life was spared. Yes, I know that this would be difficult for some, but you'd be surprised at what the will to live induced by sudden disaster/tragedy of the masses will yield. And yes, that's hard to fathom in a make-believe situation, but humor me for the purposes of this exercise!
Do you remember anything that was really of value to a successful society existing on the first earth? Perhaps you might want to recreate those things. Do you remember what you attribute to the destruction of the society we currently live in? Go all the way back to the origin of that thing--like what really destroyed marriage, family, community, the educational system, government, church, faith, in God we trust, and all that other stuff America as a superpower was built upon?
This is your society. How are you going to rebuild it, and who is going to help you in the process? What/who would you leave off? Is your answer a personal bias/prejudice you haven't really thought through that would ultimately lead you back to the society we currently live in, would it make things worse, or is it something you've truly given depth of thought? Be careful of your answers. If they are not wise, your society will eventually bankrupt. What memories do you currently have that make your thoughts rich? Or do your riches begin and end in your bank account? There's much more to life than dollars. If you don't think so, find a rich man willing to be honest about it, and ask him.
Rebuild your society. All that you left behind is now the underworld. But they didn't really die. They're just underwater learning to swim under excruciating circumstances. That means you don't have time to waste. They are going to catch up with you soon, so you'd better make sure your society is built like a rock. (If this is too morbid for you, you're thinking way too deeply. It's just an exercise designed to put a little something on your mind. Have fun with it!)
What if the earth as you know it crashed today. Say it flew out of orbit, and smashed into a galaxy that turned most of the land into water. The only dry land available is where you were standing, give or take a few miles. There are other people there with you, but not anyone you know, because the crash shuffled everything around. Though you and the others around you took flight when the earth went out of orbit, you landed relatively safely, but not in an area familiar to any of you, nor with people you have ever seen before. Who would you want on that strip of land with you? Describe five to ten people you'd hope to see in that space with you. The description can be physical, spiritual, mental, or emotional. Go on, describe. You can even get a writing utensil and a sheet of paper to help you with this. I'll wait...
...
...(some of you may need a little more time than others.)
...
...(still waiting.)
...
...aw, hell. I don't have that much time! We've got to move on! If you have at least five people, you're off to a good start--unless they are five people who are designed to satisfy your taste in mates and you just want them there to fulfill your lustful pleasures, whatever they may be. If that's what you've done, you're probably a useless hunk of protoplasm just taking up earth space. You're an undisciplined creature of...no, just kidding.
On a more serious note, who is sharing the island with you? What are they going to get from you being there? What will you remember and be able to contribute to the rebuilding of a new society? If, for example, all you had was money, you're going to remember how to make money, but who, other than you, would that benefit? Remember that the grass roots of capitalism is barter/trade. In other words, the Utopian society that existed long before money exchange and greed took over.
If all you remember is your family, that's nice, but you're going to be grieving for a long time. Too bad for you. As wonderful as it can be to have a supportive family around you, in a situation like this, you're going to have to let them go in order to appreciate the fact that your life was spared. Yes, I know that this would be difficult for some, but you'd be surprised at what the will to live induced by sudden disaster/tragedy of the masses will yield. And yes, that's hard to fathom in a make-believe situation, but humor me for the purposes of this exercise!
Do you remember anything that was really of value to a successful society existing on the first earth? Perhaps you might want to recreate those things. Do you remember what you attribute to the destruction of the society we currently live in? Go all the way back to the origin of that thing--like what really destroyed marriage, family, community, the educational system, government, church, faith, in God we trust, and all that other stuff America as a superpower was built upon?
This is your society. How are you going to rebuild it, and who is going to help you in the process? What/who would you leave off? Is your answer a personal bias/prejudice you haven't really thought through that would ultimately lead you back to the society we currently live in, would it make things worse, or is it something you've truly given depth of thought? Be careful of your answers. If they are not wise, your society will eventually bankrupt. What memories do you currently have that make your thoughts rich? Or do your riches begin and end in your bank account? There's much more to life than dollars. If you don't think so, find a rich man willing to be honest about it, and ask him.
Rebuild your society. All that you left behind is now the underworld. But they didn't really die. They're just underwater learning to swim under excruciating circumstances. That means you don't have time to waste. They are going to catch up with you soon, so you'd better make sure your society is built like a rock. (If this is too morbid for you, you're thinking way too deeply. It's just an exercise designed to put a little something on your mind. Have fun with it!)
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Go For It
"Go on. Shoot for the moon. Why not? Even if you miss, you'll still be among the stars."
If you could do anything without failing, what would it be? Well, now is the time to go for it. What do you have to lose? Because so many things in our society are having to be rebuilt, now would be the time to take a risk and learn something new. No, you don't have to quit your day job; just spend some time reinventing a part of yourself. Do something new. Set yourself free. You may just see that the tiger/tigress in you is capable of doing much more than your normal timid self has limited you to! Be daring. Be dazzling. Be free. The world is in need of something new. Why can't it be you? But this time, don't tell anyone who you know will put a damper on your idea. With your last opportunity, you told too much to too many people. Maybe you still have the desire to do what that was. Hopefully, you still have that dream. Make your dream a reality. Inside you, a star is waiting to be born!
If you could do anything without failing, what would it be? Well, now is the time to go for it. What do you have to lose? Because so many things in our society are having to be rebuilt, now would be the time to take a risk and learn something new. No, you don't have to quit your day job; just spend some time reinventing a part of yourself. Do something new. Set yourself free. You may just see that the tiger/tigress in you is capable of doing much more than your normal timid self has limited you to! Be daring. Be dazzling. Be free. The world is in need of something new. Why can't it be you? But this time, don't tell anyone who you know will put a damper on your idea. With your last opportunity, you told too much to too many people. Maybe you still have the desire to do what that was. Hopefully, you still have that dream. Make your dream a reality. Inside you, a star is waiting to be born!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Check Yourself
"The frog who won't praise his own pond is not only poor, but his SELF-ESTEEM is low, too."
I was watching DWTS clips of my girl Sherri Shepherd, and took an interest in some videos of her partner, Val and his brother, Maxim, who are as good looking as they can be! From there, I ended up watching clips of an episode of "H8R" featuring Maxim. I personally love Max! His personality is great for someone of his stature, but I can see why folks would "H8" him. In order to truly maximize your potential, you absolutely have to love yourself. The cost of that, however, is concern for those who don't like you. You can't worry about that. If you don't love yourself, you can still be okay as a person, but the cost is your inner self. Max loves himself, and that causes others to hate him. He understands that, but what others don't understand is that those of us love ourselves also love people like Max. It's called confidence, and that's how confidence works. If your self- esteem is low, you're going to have a hard time accepting someone who has high confidence. They will come across as self-absorbed, egotistical, arrogant, braggadocios, selfish, conceded, and dismissive, if you don't really know them. But if you take the time to esteem yourself, if only from fair to midline, others with high esteem are going to beam you up. That's just the way it works.
I appreciate Max, especially in this episode because the idea was for him to meet his hater, then win her over. It was obvious when he met her, that he really wasn't the least bit interested in turning her around; he only went with it because of the show. His first thought was to dismiss her! She showed up in a halter dress with a pair of cowboy boots that made her look very...umm...midwestern? Not exactly his type! She was harshly criticizing him, saying that he was "useless" and "arrogant" (then admitted she felt that way about him from what she read on the internet. Go figure!). Well, that's to be expected from someone whose lifestyle is...umm..."humble", if you will. Max, a very successful, high profile, international businessman and professionally trained dancer, is probably not real concerned about what the average person thinks of him. He can't be. That would take up way too much of his mental space, which would grossly interfere with his much needed confidence--which is how haters get inside your head. Does that mean that he doesn't care about people in general? No. It just means that he doesn't have time to worry about people who don't like him.
It must have been a "Max" couple of days for me because last night, I was watching some live performances by the R&B crooner, Maxwell. Another hottie. This one is a lot more shy than the aforementioned, but also a lot more affected by what the haters have to say about him. Who the heck could hate Maxwell? I love the way he explained it: "Those haters say some really mean things. They really hate when they're hating you!" Maxwell, who I really love, does not come across in any way as arrogant as Maxim. On the contrary, he's extremely shy, yet he probably has just as many haters. Why? Because like Maxim, he is extremely good at what he does. Haters are people who feel deep down inside that they can never be like the person they're hating on! We've all been there before. There's been someone in all of our lives who we've hated for no real reason that we could think of other than, "I don't know; she/he just gets on my nerves. I can't stand him/her." Some of you are still feeling that way about some folks! CHECK YOURSELF. Is the reason you can't stand him or her because he/she loves himself? Has it ever dawned on you that if he/she doesn't love him/herself, YOUR feelings about him/her will get in the way of what he/she has to achieve in order to reach his/her potential in life? If for you and others like you they forgo their gifts/talents, you'll be one of those people saying stuff like, "Umpf. He/she could do so much better than what he/she is doing. He/she has so much potential! If I had half of what he/she has, I'd be doing...with it." Haters are insatiable; they can NEVER be satisfied. So do you, Maxim and Maxwell! Those of us who love you and don't mind you doing you are routing for you!
CHECK YOURSELF. Stop wasting precious time hating others. Learn to use that time to discover yourself. Learn to love you, because if you don't, no one else will be able to; your hatred will stand in their way. Assess your hate. Find out whether or not the problem is yours or the other person's. If it's yours, dissect it. Find out why you hate others so much, then get rid of all of the negativity the hatred brings. Only then will you be able to love yourself or anyone else: Love thy neighbor as THYSELF. Don't be a hater; be a neighbor. Don't hate; congratulate. And if that doesn't work, know this: Better the hated than the hater because, as a hater, it's YOU you hate the most.
I was watching DWTS clips of my girl Sherri Shepherd, and took an interest in some videos of her partner, Val and his brother, Maxim, who are as good looking as they can be! From there, I ended up watching clips of an episode of "H8R" featuring Maxim. I personally love Max! His personality is great for someone of his stature, but I can see why folks would "H8" him. In order to truly maximize your potential, you absolutely have to love yourself. The cost of that, however, is concern for those who don't like you. You can't worry about that. If you don't love yourself, you can still be okay as a person, but the cost is your inner self. Max loves himself, and that causes others to hate him. He understands that, but what others don't understand is that those of us love ourselves also love people like Max. It's called confidence, and that's how confidence works. If your self- esteem is low, you're going to have a hard time accepting someone who has high confidence. They will come across as self-absorbed, egotistical, arrogant, braggadocios, selfish, conceded, and dismissive, if you don't really know them. But if you take the time to esteem yourself, if only from fair to midline, others with high esteem are going to beam you up. That's just the way it works.
I appreciate Max, especially in this episode because the idea was for him to meet his hater, then win her over. It was obvious when he met her, that he really wasn't the least bit interested in turning her around; he only went with it because of the show. His first thought was to dismiss her! She showed up in a halter dress with a pair of cowboy boots that made her look very...umm...midwestern? Not exactly his type! She was harshly criticizing him, saying that he was "useless" and "arrogant" (then admitted she felt that way about him from what she read on the internet. Go figure!). Well, that's to be expected from someone whose lifestyle is...umm..."humble", if you will. Max, a very successful, high profile, international businessman and professionally trained dancer, is probably not real concerned about what the average person thinks of him. He can't be. That would take up way too much of his mental space, which would grossly interfere with his much needed confidence--which is how haters get inside your head. Does that mean that he doesn't care about people in general? No. It just means that he doesn't have time to worry about people who don't like him.
It must have been a "Max" couple of days for me because last night, I was watching some live performances by the R&B crooner, Maxwell. Another hottie. This one is a lot more shy than the aforementioned, but also a lot more affected by what the haters have to say about him. Who the heck could hate Maxwell? I love the way he explained it: "Those haters say some really mean things. They really hate when they're hating you!" Maxwell, who I really love, does not come across in any way as arrogant as Maxim. On the contrary, he's extremely shy, yet he probably has just as many haters. Why? Because like Maxim, he is extremely good at what he does. Haters are people who feel deep down inside that they can never be like the person they're hating on! We've all been there before. There's been someone in all of our lives who we've hated for no real reason that we could think of other than, "I don't know; she/he just gets on my nerves. I can't stand him/her." Some of you are still feeling that way about some folks! CHECK YOURSELF. Is the reason you can't stand him or her because he/she loves himself? Has it ever dawned on you that if he/she doesn't love him/herself, YOUR feelings about him/her will get in the way of what he/she has to achieve in order to reach his/her potential in life? If for you and others like you they forgo their gifts/talents, you'll be one of those people saying stuff like, "Umpf. He/she could do so much better than what he/she is doing. He/she has so much potential! If I had half of what he/she has, I'd be doing...with it." Haters are insatiable; they can NEVER be satisfied. So do you, Maxim and Maxwell! Those of us who love you and don't mind you doing you are routing for you!
CHECK YOURSELF. Stop wasting precious time hating others. Learn to use that time to discover yourself. Learn to love you, because if you don't, no one else will be able to; your hatred will stand in their way. Assess your hate. Find out whether or not the problem is yours or the other person's. If it's yours, dissect it. Find out why you hate others so much, then get rid of all of the negativity the hatred brings. Only then will you be able to love yourself or anyone else: Love thy neighbor as THYSELF. Don't be a hater; be a neighbor. Don't hate; congratulate. And if that doesn't work, know this: Better the hated than the hater because, as a hater, it's YOU you hate the most.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Reality Check
"Woman, thou art loose...
if you:
1. are still in a relationship where you're being verbally, spiritually, mentally or physically abused.
2. are giving your hard earned money to your man who you only see around your payday.
3. call yourself a believer in God and are in a relationship with a woman.
4. are over 25 and still seek your mother's approval. You're grown now. Mama ain't going to approve of everything you do. Some things she doesn't even need to know because you're GROWN now.
5. are 30, don't know what you're going to do with your life, and are seeking men to love you as a means of getting your bills paid, but don't see yourself as a prostitute.
6. are nearly 30 years old and are still waiting on your man's rap contract or settlement while you pay his bills in the meantime.
7. still believe that he's all man; he just has feminine ways and a high pitched voice. He's GAY!
8. think you're just big-boned, knowing you like to eat junk and fried foods all day long while you watch T.V. and talk on the phone.
9. are always the one providing the food, money, and transportation when you hang out with your girls, thinking they include you because they care about you!
10. believe that man when he tells you how horrible a person his ex was and that's why their relationship didn't work.
11. believe he is over her, just not over what she did to him; that's why he's always talking about her.
12. are still in a relationship with a man who leaves the room whenever his ex or "co-worker" calls.
13. believe that your man has a "top-secret job", and that's why you can't know anything about what he does for a living.
14. want to marry a man who moved in with you and believe he's capable of providing a wonderful life for you, unless it was YOUR choice to not give up YOUR place.
15. believe that what you and your pastor are doing behind his wife's back is none of her business. If God is blessing it like the pastor told you, he shouldn't be hiding it from his wife, now should he?
16. believe the miracle of acting or singing is going to just fall out of the sky one day. You need to be honing your skills somewhere and you need to be working to pay your bills. Most actors and singers are starving when they make it.
17. believe it is ALWAYS someone else's fault when your kid gets into trouble.
18. believe your kid is not capable of doing anything wrong. No child is that well behaved
19. believe your kid doesn't ever lie. Hell, you did it as a child, and if you believe yours never does, you're doing it as an adult because you're lying to yourself!
20. believe that anyone believes that you're merely breastfeeding your five year old. He should have been done with that when he got enough teeth to bite you--and he probably was. Your sick ass just liked the bite amongst other things! That "moment" your sharing with that child is a man's work; not a child's. Just keeping it real!
And no, I didn't forget the "d" in "loosed". Read the beginning of the quote up top, then finish it with the second half down below. The entire quote is in italics.
...in the head, so you might want to get professional help to tighten you up a little bit!"
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Own Your Own Sh**!
"Out of control" means "others control". "Self-control" is the perfect anecdote for all of the above."
Have you been keeping up with the news lately? What's going on with these angry men in sports? Last week, a high school basketball coach bit off the ear of an opposing coach after losing the championship game to his team. This week, a dad beat a middle school girls' basketball coach unconscious because he disciplined the man's daughter and another girl after they'd been arguing. The punishment was that the two girls had to run laps around the gym. Really? What the heck is going on? Are people really that angry? The answer to the question is "yes". People really are that angry, but when things of this nature take place, the anger most definitely comes from other sources. This type of anger is called "displaced". Certainly the coach wasn't that angry at the guy whose team beat his; he may have wanted that championship badly, but that fact that he bit another man hard enough for his ear to have to be reattached suggests there was more going on in his head than that. Running laps around the gym is a typical punishment for athletes who misbehave. That dad was carrying something else around with him and the coach found himself on the bottom end of it. No pun intended!
People are angry about life. Life isn't working for most, and there seem to be no answers. With no answers, people feel trapped, and that's when they become angry. When life doesn't work and people become angry, they look for someone or something to blame. When they find it, they place (or displace) their anger on their target, and end up unleashing it in a way that causes them to do something they regret later. The person who takes the blame doesn't really have to have anything to do with what's eating at the angry person: he just has to be in the right place at the wrong time. No one knows this better than President Barack Obama. This man gets blamed for everything. We've all had the conversation about how he's being blamed for things that were happening in America long before he took office. But regardless of what he proposes, the angry people in congress fight against it, totally and completely forgetting how their decisions are effecting the rest of the world. Worse than that, the angry citizens of the United States who oppose his presidency--and some who don't--hem and haw all day long about what he's not doing to make things better. They don't take the time to look at the fact that the economy has greatly improved from its status when he was sworn in. Why don't they look at that? Because angry people need someone to blame. They don't want answers or solutions. If there are solutions, then the responsibility of their personal failures, which is what usually causes the anger, falls back on them. It's so much easier to blame the president than it is to admit that the job was too much for you to handle. It's easier to blame the higher ups for hiring fresh, new, innovative people than it is to take responsibility for not going to the trainings and workshops necessary to keep up with the latest information in your field, which would make you a valued employee. At the time of their offerings, you probably saw them as a waste of your time. It's easier to blame the parent who leaves for all of the struggles of parenting than it is to take on the natural ups and downs of raising children, which is a parental responsibility regardless of relationship status. Why should it be all your responsibility, you ask? Because they are your kids, and they still have needs, and time isn't going to stand still while you find someone else to make life easier for you. Regardless of your situation, those kids are going to continue to grow and their needs are going to go away! Don't make your problem their problem. (I know. That's another blog. Single parenting doesn't have to be as bad as people make it seem. It is, however, a quick blame for a lot of people still angry about their struggles/breakups.) It's easy to blame your parents when your choices prove to have been the worse ones you could have ever made, and finally...it's real easy to blame "the white man" or minorities when, in all actuality, you really should be owning up to the poor life choices you made rather than preparing yourself for the life you were going to have. As a school counselor, I'd admonish kids over and over about the importance of getting an education and using it to prepare for life, instead of using school solely as a social network. Not enough of them listened. I also warned many females about having sex and having babies before they were ready. Many of them are now angry mothers who are finding it hard to make ends meet because they have extra mouths to feed. Of course, none of that is their fault. It's the government's.
All of us displace our anger/frustration at one time or another if we're not careful to keep things in proper perspective. The best way to keep our emotions where they should be is to own our stuff. If you screwed up, don't blame anyone else; work on or fix the problem. If you took a shortcut in life and found out later that you should have put more time into your choice, own up to it. "My bad. I shouldn't have done that. Gotta do something different" works. Taking it out on your mate, your kids, your parents, friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc., doesn't. I have an ex-husband who still blames me for all his failures in life--even after nearly twenty years, two more baby mamas, a bitter divorce (he didn't marry the one after me; they just had a child together), and a new fiance! He blames me because he can't bring himself to see how the choices he makes effect his life. And sadly, when he can't blame me, he blames my daughter or his mother. (Oh, Lord, did I just mention him? That arrogant fool is going to see this as a "shout out"! He'll be walking around telling folks that I'm still in love with him. Well, just for the record, he needs to ask himself if I ever really loved him. I was young and dumb. Ouch!) He incidentally credits his menial child support payments for all of my successes, so he's an equal opportunity idiot! But rather than blaming him for my failed marriage or my single parenthood, I chose to raise my kids. I knew it wasn't their fault that I'd made such a bad choice. I married the sucker for how he looked to me, and because of that, I never looked to see whether or not we'd be able to make a life together, let alone be able to raise a family together. After less than five years and two kids, we broke up. Life had handed me lemons, but I made lemonade. Instead of focusing on the dissolution of the marriage and the impending struggle, I found the positive in it and hung on to that. That sucker sure made some pretty children. I took the genes and ran!!!! But still, I had to make another choice: was I going to be mad at them because their dad didn't stay? Not only "no", but hell no! I wasn't going to charge them for MY mistake. Those were my babies, and that was the way I saw it. I was their mom and would have been responsible for raising them well even if he had stayed. His leaving did not lessen my responsibility as a parent. As a result, our lives were not held hostage by his absence. The divorce was not the center of our household; truth, intelligence and integrity was, and still is. Our lives were not destroyed by a man who did the same thing to the two other families he made, but they would have been had I blamed myself, my children or anyone else for the choices I made. Single parenting was not that kind of struggle for me. I saw myself just as much their mom then as I do now, and trust me---I don't regret it (especially dumping his ass and running away with the genes). Because I owned my own stuff, my kids had a great start in life. And it all paid off. I'm quite proud as you can tell!
Life is not perfect for anyone. We all make mistakes and choices we wish later we had taken the time to think through. We all make decisions based on all the wrong stuff sometimes. What's crucial is how you handle the choice after you realize you made a mistake. Whether the outcome of the choice is good or bad, if you don't keep your emotions in check, you will destroy your own dynasty by displacing your emotions and placing energy (pride used wrong is just as bad as anger) where it doesn't belong. Another one in the news--John Ramsey. What if JonBenet had been able to be a normal little girl instead of an extension of her mother's fascination/obsession with beauty contests? But three cheers for John. He's owning his role in all of that as he speaks about his feelings about kids and pageants, and it's helped him to heal and move on. He is now remarried. Take it from him and me: the only way to recover and move on from any mistake or bad choice is to OWN YOUR SH**!!!!
Have you been keeping up with the news lately? What's going on with these angry men in sports? Last week, a high school basketball coach bit off the ear of an opposing coach after losing the championship game to his team. This week, a dad beat a middle school girls' basketball coach unconscious because he disciplined the man's daughter and another girl after they'd been arguing. The punishment was that the two girls had to run laps around the gym. Really? What the heck is going on? Are people really that angry? The answer to the question is "yes". People really are that angry, but when things of this nature take place, the anger most definitely comes from other sources. This type of anger is called "displaced". Certainly the coach wasn't that angry at the guy whose team beat his; he may have wanted that championship badly, but that fact that he bit another man hard enough for his ear to have to be reattached suggests there was more going on in his head than that. Running laps around the gym is a typical punishment for athletes who misbehave. That dad was carrying something else around with him and the coach found himself on the bottom end of it. No pun intended!
People are angry about life. Life isn't working for most, and there seem to be no answers. With no answers, people feel trapped, and that's when they become angry. When life doesn't work and people become angry, they look for someone or something to blame. When they find it, they place (or displace) their anger on their target, and end up unleashing it in a way that causes them to do something they regret later. The person who takes the blame doesn't really have to have anything to do with what's eating at the angry person: he just has to be in the right place at the wrong time. No one knows this better than President Barack Obama. This man gets blamed for everything. We've all had the conversation about how he's being blamed for things that were happening in America long before he took office. But regardless of what he proposes, the angry people in congress fight against it, totally and completely forgetting how their decisions are effecting the rest of the world. Worse than that, the angry citizens of the United States who oppose his presidency--and some who don't--hem and haw all day long about what he's not doing to make things better. They don't take the time to look at the fact that the economy has greatly improved from its status when he was sworn in. Why don't they look at that? Because angry people need someone to blame. They don't want answers or solutions. If there are solutions, then the responsibility of their personal failures, which is what usually causes the anger, falls back on them. It's so much easier to blame the president than it is to admit that the job was too much for you to handle. It's easier to blame the higher ups for hiring fresh, new, innovative people than it is to take responsibility for not going to the trainings and workshops necessary to keep up with the latest information in your field, which would make you a valued employee. At the time of their offerings, you probably saw them as a waste of your time. It's easier to blame the parent who leaves for all of the struggles of parenting than it is to take on the natural ups and downs of raising children, which is a parental responsibility regardless of relationship status. Why should it be all your responsibility, you ask? Because they are your kids, and they still have needs, and time isn't going to stand still while you find someone else to make life easier for you. Regardless of your situation, those kids are going to continue to grow and their needs are going to go away! Don't make your problem their problem. (I know. That's another blog. Single parenting doesn't have to be as bad as people make it seem. It is, however, a quick blame for a lot of people still angry about their struggles/breakups.) It's easy to blame your parents when your choices prove to have been the worse ones you could have ever made, and finally...it's real easy to blame "the white man" or minorities when, in all actuality, you really should be owning up to the poor life choices you made rather than preparing yourself for the life you were going to have. As a school counselor, I'd admonish kids over and over about the importance of getting an education and using it to prepare for life, instead of using school solely as a social network. Not enough of them listened. I also warned many females about having sex and having babies before they were ready. Many of them are now angry mothers who are finding it hard to make ends meet because they have extra mouths to feed. Of course, none of that is their fault. It's the government's.
All of us displace our anger/frustration at one time or another if we're not careful to keep things in proper perspective. The best way to keep our emotions where they should be is to own our stuff. If you screwed up, don't blame anyone else; work on or fix the problem. If you took a shortcut in life and found out later that you should have put more time into your choice, own up to it. "My bad. I shouldn't have done that. Gotta do something different" works. Taking it out on your mate, your kids, your parents, friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc., doesn't. I have an ex-husband who still blames me for all his failures in life--even after nearly twenty years, two more baby mamas, a bitter divorce (he didn't marry the one after me; they just had a child together), and a new fiance! He blames me because he can't bring himself to see how the choices he makes effect his life. And sadly, when he can't blame me, he blames my daughter or his mother. (Oh, Lord, did I just mention him? That arrogant fool is going to see this as a "shout out"! He'll be walking around telling folks that I'm still in love with him. Well, just for the record, he needs to ask himself if I ever really loved him. I was young and dumb. Ouch!) He incidentally credits his menial child support payments for all of my successes, so he's an equal opportunity idiot! But rather than blaming him for my failed marriage or my single parenthood, I chose to raise my kids. I knew it wasn't their fault that I'd made such a bad choice. I married the sucker for how he looked to me, and because of that, I never looked to see whether or not we'd be able to make a life together, let alone be able to raise a family together. After less than five years and two kids, we broke up. Life had handed me lemons, but I made lemonade. Instead of focusing on the dissolution of the marriage and the impending struggle, I found the positive in it and hung on to that. That sucker sure made some pretty children. I took the genes and ran!!!! But still, I had to make another choice: was I going to be mad at them because their dad didn't stay? Not only "no", but hell no! I wasn't going to charge them for MY mistake. Those were my babies, and that was the way I saw it. I was their mom and would have been responsible for raising them well even if he had stayed. His leaving did not lessen my responsibility as a parent. As a result, our lives were not held hostage by his absence. The divorce was not the center of our household; truth, intelligence and integrity was, and still is. Our lives were not destroyed by a man who did the same thing to the two other families he made, but they would have been had I blamed myself, my children or anyone else for the choices I made. Single parenting was not that kind of struggle for me. I saw myself just as much their mom then as I do now, and trust me---I don't regret it (especially dumping his ass and running away with the genes). Because I owned my own stuff, my kids had a great start in life. And it all paid off. I'm quite proud as you can tell!
Life is not perfect for anyone. We all make mistakes and choices we wish later we had taken the time to think through. We all make decisions based on all the wrong stuff sometimes. What's crucial is how you handle the choice after you realize you made a mistake. Whether the outcome of the choice is good or bad, if you don't keep your emotions in check, you will destroy your own dynasty by displacing your emotions and placing energy (pride used wrong is just as bad as anger) where it doesn't belong. Another one in the news--John Ramsey. What if JonBenet had been able to be a normal little girl instead of an extension of her mother's fascination/obsession with beauty contests? But three cheers for John. He's owning his role in all of that as he speaks about his feelings about kids and pageants, and it's helped him to heal and move on. He is now remarried. Take it from him and me: the only way to recover and move on from any mistake or bad choice is to OWN YOUR SH**!!!!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Bridle Your Anger Before It Bridles You
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If you take the time to prevent every ounce of unnecessary negativity that attempts to enter into your mind, your life won't have to endure the pounding necessary to cure the disease it leaves behind."
Okay, I'm going to blog, but first I have to rant. I'm so tired of cowards using the internet to shield them as they throw fiery darts at innocent people who just want to make an honest living. I just read an "I Hate Tyler Perry" message board. I couldn't help but laugh--first at the fact that it exists, and secondly at the fact that people actually post on it. There was one person whose signature read, "Mad Black Film Student". This person wrote that he/she didn't see any "potential" for Tyler Perry. Really? What cave has this person been living in for the past decade or so? Well, guess what, "Mad Black", it's not surprising that you're a hater, I mean, that you hate Mr. Perry. Could it be because he's what you fear most? If you're a struggling film student, and I'm sure you are cuz we don't know your real name, why would you love him? His success is your worst nightmare! And let me guess. You're probably male, too, huh? You're justified in being scared, but do you really hate the man as much as you say you do? What has he done to you? I don't think Mr. Perry intended to hurt anyone when he realized the dream on the inside of him. All of the folks who criticize him are dealing with some inner struggles that are a lot deeper than most would think. Ask yourself, Mad Black, why you really hate Tyler so much. Sorry, but I have to laugh at you and all the other haters like you. Remember, people who matter don't judge, and those who judge don't matter. Mad Black, you don't matter to Tyler Perry! So stop judging him! Learn to live and let live, and stop taking Mr. Perry's success so personally. Really, when he put down on paper what was on the inside of him, he wasn't trying to hurt your chances of succeeding in the business you'd like to break into. I know film is a difficult industry but have you stopped to consider how difficult it was for him, too? Show a little compassion. When he took the risk that all of us in this industry must take, it wasn't personal against YOU. He was poor and struggling just like you are, so stop taking stabs at him (and yes, I know you're struggling. If you were succeeding, you'd be excited for him). I'm sure if you knew him, even you'd find that he's really a nice, harmless guy with no evil intentions. You named yourself appropriately, but I think you're "madder" than you think. Perhaps you should seek professional help for your madness!
So, to the blog. Why are people so incredibly mean? Have you noticed that folks are getting meaner and meaner as time progresses? Maybe they're not really mean, just mad, and getting madder. There's a difference. When you're mean, it's because there is something on the inside of you that keeps you from finding happiness. When you're mad, the meanness has driven you crazy and you're angry at the world about it. In other words, what started as a mere emotional disturbance in your life has now become a glitch in your personality. What things are you angry about? How long have you been angry about these things? Have they driven you mad? When you don't care anymore and you find yourself just hating everybody for everything, you're mad, whether you want to believe it or not. As I worked with people in the counseling setting, my success rate came from me being able to take clients back to the origins of their anger/pain/fear. Underneath all grouchiness/bitterness is anger and hurt. If you are angry/hurt, take care of your situation before you become grouchy or bitter, because once it gets that deep, you'll need professional help in dealing with it. You have to deal with it so that it won't take over your mind and control you. Hurt unattended will grow bigger and bigger and be buried deeper and deeper inside you. Before you know it, it becomes pervasive. Once pervasive and unattended to, it will become the core of your existence, or---the spirit within you. It will color everything you think, see, feel, do, and it will be so infused with your personality that you won't even notice that it's still there. In your mind, you will feel that you're over whatever hurt you. Well, if you didn't get it taken care of, you're not over it. Hurt doesn't just go away; it has to be cleaned out of you. If you don't take the time to clean it out, other things in life will just pile on top of it. For people who don't trust, the origin of this is hurt. Maybe someone hurt your dad/mom and he/she taught you not to trust as a result of his/her unresolved pain. But if your dad/mom had taken the necessary steps to heal his/her pain, you would have been raised in a way more healthy for an innocent child. The pain may go back as far as your grandmother/father or great grands. Regardless, if the pain is not taken care of, it will grow--even through the generations. We won't even talk about what you'll end up doing to your children.
Fear works in the same way. People who are afraid teach others to be afraid. Whatever they fear is very real to them and in their efforts to keep you safe, they will teach you to fear---or to hate. Think about something you hate. Let's say spiders. Do you really HATE spiders, or do you really just fear being bitten or crawled on? Do you hate a whole race of people or is it that you fear injustice/harm on their part? Do you hate your job or do you just feel insignificant or in a dead end space? "Mad Black" do you really hate Tyler Perry or do you fear never achieving the kind of success he has in the industry you're trying to break into? Is it that Mr. Perry has raised the bar so high that you feel you won't be able to reach or surpass it?
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If there is something going on in your life that's causing you to hurt, be angry or fear, take necessary steps to clear it out of your mental space. The first step is to talk to someone you trust about it. If you can't talk, write it in a journal and place it where no one will ever find it. Better yet, write a letter to the one offending you, telling him/her everything you want them to know, then tear it up and throw it away (unless you want to give it to them). This may seem as if it will have no effect but trust me, it will. It will prevent the emotion from becoming embedded inside your personality and ultimately taking over. (We all know someone who used to be kind and is now bitter or hateful.) Take the time to prevent this from happening to you. You'll appreciate it because it's a lot harder to cure than it is to prevent.
Okay, I'm going to blog, but first I have to rant. I'm so tired of cowards using the internet to shield them as they throw fiery darts at innocent people who just want to make an honest living. I just read an "I Hate Tyler Perry" message board. I couldn't help but laugh--first at the fact that it exists, and secondly at the fact that people actually post on it. There was one person whose signature read, "Mad Black Film Student". This person wrote that he/she didn't see any "potential" for Tyler Perry. Really? What cave has this person been living in for the past decade or so? Well, guess what, "Mad Black", it's not surprising that you're a hater, I mean, that you hate Mr. Perry. Could it be because he's what you fear most? If you're a struggling film student, and I'm sure you are cuz we don't know your real name, why would you love him? His success is your worst nightmare! And let me guess. You're probably male, too, huh? You're justified in being scared, but do you really hate the man as much as you say you do? What has he done to you? I don't think Mr. Perry intended to hurt anyone when he realized the dream on the inside of him. All of the folks who criticize him are dealing with some inner struggles that are a lot deeper than most would think. Ask yourself, Mad Black, why you really hate Tyler so much. Sorry, but I have to laugh at you and all the other haters like you. Remember, people who matter don't judge, and those who judge don't matter. Mad Black, you don't matter to Tyler Perry! So stop judging him! Learn to live and let live, and stop taking Mr. Perry's success so personally. Really, when he put down on paper what was on the inside of him, he wasn't trying to hurt your chances of succeeding in the business you'd like to break into. I know film is a difficult industry but have you stopped to consider how difficult it was for him, too? Show a little compassion. When he took the risk that all of us in this industry must take, it wasn't personal against YOU. He was poor and struggling just like you are, so stop taking stabs at him (and yes, I know you're struggling. If you were succeeding, you'd be excited for him). I'm sure if you knew him, even you'd find that he's really a nice, harmless guy with no evil intentions. You named yourself appropriately, but I think you're "madder" than you think. Perhaps you should seek professional help for your madness!
So, to the blog. Why are people so incredibly mean? Have you noticed that folks are getting meaner and meaner as time progresses? Maybe they're not really mean, just mad, and getting madder. There's a difference. When you're mean, it's because there is something on the inside of you that keeps you from finding happiness. When you're mad, the meanness has driven you crazy and you're angry at the world about it. In other words, what started as a mere emotional disturbance in your life has now become a glitch in your personality. What things are you angry about? How long have you been angry about these things? Have they driven you mad? When you don't care anymore and you find yourself just hating everybody for everything, you're mad, whether you want to believe it or not. As I worked with people in the counseling setting, my success rate came from me being able to take clients back to the origins of their anger/pain/fear. Underneath all grouchiness/bitterness is anger and hurt. If you are angry/hurt, take care of your situation before you become grouchy or bitter, because once it gets that deep, you'll need professional help in dealing with it. You have to deal with it so that it won't take over your mind and control you. Hurt unattended will grow bigger and bigger and be buried deeper and deeper inside you. Before you know it, it becomes pervasive. Once pervasive and unattended to, it will become the core of your existence, or---the spirit within you. It will color everything you think, see, feel, do, and it will be so infused with your personality that you won't even notice that it's still there. In your mind, you will feel that you're over whatever hurt you. Well, if you didn't get it taken care of, you're not over it. Hurt doesn't just go away; it has to be cleaned out of you. If you don't take the time to clean it out, other things in life will just pile on top of it. For people who don't trust, the origin of this is hurt. Maybe someone hurt your dad/mom and he/she taught you not to trust as a result of his/her unresolved pain. But if your dad/mom had taken the necessary steps to heal his/her pain, you would have been raised in a way more healthy for an innocent child. The pain may go back as far as your grandmother/father or great grands. Regardless, if the pain is not taken care of, it will grow--even through the generations. We won't even talk about what you'll end up doing to your children.
Fear works in the same way. People who are afraid teach others to be afraid. Whatever they fear is very real to them and in their efforts to keep you safe, they will teach you to fear---or to hate. Think about something you hate. Let's say spiders. Do you really HATE spiders, or do you really just fear being bitten or crawled on? Do you hate a whole race of people or is it that you fear injustice/harm on their part? Do you hate your job or do you just feel insignificant or in a dead end space? "Mad Black" do you really hate Tyler Perry or do you fear never achieving the kind of success he has in the industry you're trying to break into? Is it that Mr. Perry has raised the bar so high that you feel you won't be able to reach or surpass it?
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If there is something going on in your life that's causing you to hurt, be angry or fear, take necessary steps to clear it out of your mental space. The first step is to talk to someone you trust about it. If you can't talk, write it in a journal and place it where no one will ever find it. Better yet, write a letter to the one offending you, telling him/her everything you want them to know, then tear it up and throw it away (unless you want to give it to them). This may seem as if it will have no effect but trust me, it will. It will prevent the emotion from becoming embedded inside your personality and ultimately taking over. (We all know someone who used to be kind and is now bitter or hateful.) Take the time to prevent this from happening to you. You'll appreciate it because it's a lot harder to cure than it is to prevent.
It Will Creep Up On You
"Don't put off until tomorrow what can be done today. Tomorrow may be yours, but your kids need today."
We've heard it said time and time again that children grow up fast. And this is true. I can remember looking at my young children and thinking, when they are grown, I'll only be in my forties so I'll still be young enough to party and have a life of my own. Ah, that's decades from now, so I've got time..." Well, as they grew up, I got older but I didn't see it happen. I didn't feel older. The world kept turning and society kept changing, but I didn't see myself get older. Well, not until I attempted to have conversations with my kids, who couldn't connect with what I was saying to them, due to the fact that the references I made were about what was when I was their age. All my references were ancient to them! I remember my feelings being hurt when I'd say something that I thought sure they'd crack up at, and they'd look at me curiously--not knowing what was so funny to me! My son, the electronics buff, would google the people and places I'd refer to. My world was actually history to them! The seventies and eighties were not familiar decades for them, even though they could sing the words to all of songs I liked from those decades. It wasn't because they remembered the music; it was because I listened to it all the time when they were young and they had no choice about what was being played on the radio, CD player (no, not 8 Tracks) or iPod. That was the music they were raised on.
When I noticed they weren't able to keep up with me (or interested in my conversation), as much as I wanted to hang on to them, I had to let them grow. We'd meet up to have conversation and I'd notice them sitting quietly, staring at me as though they were in class and I was their ancient history teacher. I'd bow out of the conversation gracefully, feeling abandoned as they'd begin to share stories among themselves, laughing at what the other had to say. I saw then that just because they were now grown, they would NEVER be my peers. We were from two different generations. When their interests in my music changed, I was crushed. I felt like I'd been abandoned by what I'd invested all of my time in. My son would poke fun at the dances from my generations and the beats from my favorite songs, greatly offending me. I felt like he was laughing at me. I'd snap at him and he'd look at me all forlorn, not understanding why I took it so personally. For a few months, I felt very lonely. I couldn't figure out why they were no longer interested in my stories or why my jokes were no longer funny to them. Then I began to feel like I was an idiot to them. I started getting paranoid, thinking they were ridiculing me when I wasn't around. I thought I was the butt of all their jokes. That was when I knew I needed to get a hold of myself. And I did.
At first I wanted to punish them by deliberately excluding them from my life. I wanted them to miss me and want to be a part of my world. Fat chance! They didn't even notice I'd left! Life went on as usual for them. That hurt for a minute. Then I realized something really important...
...I hadn't put them off in order to live my life. I had lots of memories that I made with them that I could share with them; things they could relate to. So instead of trying to be a part of their generation, I took on the position of being the mom of grown kids. As I feel the need to talk and share with them, I bring to them what we all know about our own lives. We also talk about current events, politics, health, finances, and other things that we can share about the generation we are all in. Of course we can't talk about music, fashion, trending topics, etc., but we can definitely relish in the memories we created as a family and the future of us as adults living in the United States of America.
Looking back on it, I realize that I was grieving the loss of my minor children. I'd given so much of myself to them as they grew up. I felt that was the least I could do since I was the one who brought them into this world. I do my own thing now and I allow them to be the young adults of this generation that they are. I no longer try to take them back to the times when I was their age! I had to transition into middle age, even though it crept up on me, without punishing them for making me miss the last twenty years of my young adulthood. Instead of demanding those years back in a midlife crisis type of way, I decided to ride off into the sunset of "40 plus" gracefully.
Life really does begin at 40. If I had put them off in order to hold on to my youth, I wouldn't be able to enjoy them or what they bring to me now. I'm watching our family evolve into something I didn't have at their age. Coming from a large family, I wasn't able to partake of the things a smaller family can comfortably enjoy. My children, on the other hand, have access to things that weren't available to me as a young adult. As a result, I get to have those things that I missed--just at an older age. I can enjoy them with my offspring!
Don't put off until tomorrow what can be done today. Take it from me. If you take the time to enjoy today, tomorrow will be even better for you--even if it takes a little time to transition! The key is in the enjoyment.
We've heard it said time and time again that children grow up fast. And this is true. I can remember looking at my young children and thinking, when they are grown, I'll only be in my forties so I'll still be young enough to party and have a life of my own. Ah, that's decades from now, so I've got time..." Well, as they grew up, I got older but I didn't see it happen. I didn't feel older. The world kept turning and society kept changing, but I didn't see myself get older. Well, not until I attempted to have conversations with my kids, who couldn't connect with what I was saying to them, due to the fact that the references I made were about what was when I was their age. All my references were ancient to them! I remember my feelings being hurt when I'd say something that I thought sure they'd crack up at, and they'd look at me curiously--not knowing what was so funny to me! My son, the electronics buff, would google the people and places I'd refer to. My world was actually history to them! The seventies and eighties were not familiar decades for them, even though they could sing the words to all of songs I liked from those decades. It wasn't because they remembered the music; it was because I listened to it all the time when they were young and they had no choice about what was being played on the radio, CD player (no, not 8 Tracks) or iPod. That was the music they were raised on.
When I noticed they weren't able to keep up with me (or interested in my conversation), as much as I wanted to hang on to them, I had to let them grow. We'd meet up to have conversation and I'd notice them sitting quietly, staring at me as though they were in class and I was their ancient history teacher. I'd bow out of the conversation gracefully, feeling abandoned as they'd begin to share stories among themselves, laughing at what the other had to say. I saw then that just because they were now grown, they would NEVER be my peers. We were from two different generations. When their interests in my music changed, I was crushed. I felt like I'd been abandoned by what I'd invested all of my time in. My son would poke fun at the dances from my generations and the beats from my favorite songs, greatly offending me. I felt like he was laughing at me. I'd snap at him and he'd look at me all forlorn, not understanding why I took it so personally. For a few months, I felt very lonely. I couldn't figure out why they were no longer interested in my stories or why my jokes were no longer funny to them. Then I began to feel like I was an idiot to them. I started getting paranoid, thinking they were ridiculing me when I wasn't around. I thought I was the butt of all their jokes. That was when I knew I needed to get a hold of myself. And I did.
At first I wanted to punish them by deliberately excluding them from my life. I wanted them to miss me and want to be a part of my world. Fat chance! They didn't even notice I'd left! Life went on as usual for them. That hurt for a minute. Then I realized something really important...
...I hadn't put them off in order to live my life. I had lots of memories that I made with them that I could share with them; things they could relate to. So instead of trying to be a part of their generation, I took on the position of being the mom of grown kids. As I feel the need to talk and share with them, I bring to them what we all know about our own lives. We also talk about current events, politics, health, finances, and other things that we can share about the generation we are all in. Of course we can't talk about music, fashion, trending topics, etc., but we can definitely relish in the memories we created as a family and the future of us as adults living in the United States of America.
Looking back on it, I realize that I was grieving the loss of my minor children. I'd given so much of myself to them as they grew up. I felt that was the least I could do since I was the one who brought them into this world. I do my own thing now and I allow them to be the young adults of this generation that they are. I no longer try to take them back to the times when I was their age! I had to transition into middle age, even though it crept up on me, without punishing them for making me miss the last twenty years of my young adulthood. Instead of demanding those years back in a midlife crisis type of way, I decided to ride off into the sunset of "40 plus" gracefully.
Life really does begin at 40. If I had put them off in order to hold on to my youth, I wouldn't be able to enjoy them or what they bring to me now. I'm watching our family evolve into something I didn't have at their age. Coming from a large family, I wasn't able to partake of the things a smaller family can comfortably enjoy. My children, on the other hand, have access to things that weren't available to me as a young adult. As a result, I get to have those things that I missed--just at an older age. I can enjoy them with my offspring!
Don't put off until tomorrow what can be done today. Take it from me. If you take the time to enjoy today, tomorrow will be even better for you--even if it takes a little time to transition! The key is in the enjoyment.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Get Out!
"What goes up, must come down unless it goes up and gets completely out!"
What do you need to get completely out of? A funk? The hood? Your church? Those funky clothes you've been wearing for the past three days? A pity party? A bad relationship? A dead end job? A lie? A default friendship (you know the one where your friend typically brings you down instead of up)? A bad habit? A bad habitat? A circle of people who don't sharpen you? An unhappy life altogether (and no, I don't mean suicide)? A bad, bad, bad situation?
This list could go on forever, but I don't need to tell you what you need to get up and out of. Chances are, you already know. You may try to act like you don't, but you do. If it's no good for you, get up and get out. If no one in it is getting better, get up and get out. If it brings more bad news than good, get up and get out. If it's weighing you down, get up and get out. If your loved ones are suffering, get up and get out. If it's costing you more than you can afford, get up and get out. If it's bringing you down, get up and get out. Awww, get up and get the hell out if you know it's destroying you. Get up and get the hell out if you're destroying someone else. Get up and get the hell out if you don't know whether or not it's destroying you cuz that means you're confused as hell!
How do you get out? Not cold turkey, unless you have the means to do that or if the situation is life or death. If no one's life is in imminent danger, devise a plan to go, but make it a good one. Don't jump from the frying pan into the fire. If your mate is not doing you any justice, don't move in with your sister and her four rotten kids. Two cats in one house is a recipe for disaster; one worse than fire and gasoline. If you're sleeping on the couch, don't move into a place where you'll be sleeping on the floor. If you don't get along with your mom, for Heaven's sake, don't move back in with her! If your family member/friend is in a rocky situation, don't move in there, either. If you can, save money and move into your own place--even if it's a studio and you have to rent a storage space for the rest of your belongings (try not to store them at someone else's place. That rarely works out in the end). If your money is short, don't move in with anyone who is barely making ends meet, in an effort to "help" him/her save or cut down on bills". That's a trap waiting to ensnare you. Once you move in there, it will become your fault that he/she can't pay them on time! The worse thing you can do is move in with someone who is not stable him/herself. Don't move in with anyone with selfish motives because you'll move in a friend, live there as a target, and leave an enemy. Trust me. I know that one all too well. And from both sides!
If you're going to get out, get completely out. Don't leave one hard bed to make another. Analyze your situation, work with what you've got, devise a plan to go, but make sure you're completely out of the situation. But be very careful not to exchange one problem for another. It's the problem that you're getting away from; not just the person. If you know two people with similar issues, one is no better than the other. Get away from the issue! Moving away from one controlling personality to another one will just be a waste of time and money, and a huge disappointment waiting to happen. If your relationship is not solid, don't have a baby; that's staying papers. You need to be serving walking papers. If you hate working as a cashier, leaving Wal-Mart to work for Target is probably not going to be a good idea. Yeah, I know Target pays more, but the problem is that you don't like working retail!
Get up and get completely out. Don't fix the symptoms; fix the problem. If you're bound, it's because you haven't freed yourself, and only the real truth can make you free. Look at the stone cold truth of your situation. Make the decision about whether or not you truly want to get out. If the answer is yes, start making your plans to go. When you go, don't take the problem with you. If you are not getting along with your mate, don't give him/her the address so he/she can come and go as he/she pleases. You may as well stay where you are! Keep it real with yourself. If you need to go, go. If not, stay, but if you're going to go, go all the way!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Spiritual Emissions
"Behind every successful man is a strong woman; a woman whose inner strength is greater than everything that comes up against him from the outside--including her friends and family."
Let's face it, relationships--or the desire for one--will be here until the end of time. I talk to people all the time, trying to reason with them and show them the importance of living/exploring their own life before attempting to share it with someone else. Truthfully, people are not trying to hear that--young or old. The fact of the matter though, is that if you don't have anything to bring to a relationship, you're not going to get much out of it. Though it is common practice to enter into a union with another person, hoping that he/she has enough for the two of you to build upon, it is the absolute worst thing a person can do if hoping for relationship staying power. It's great if you're only looking for a one night stand, but relationship is different. Two are better than one because you end up with twice as much as each of you had alone, but if one brings nothing to the table, the other ends up with only half of what he started with. Do the math. If you're the one bringing nothing, you're putting a lot of pressure on the other to be twice what he/she was before you came along. Instead of being 50% of the union, he/she has to be 100%. Being "100" means you don't need anybody else. That's why she doesn't call or he won't commit. Why should she/he? If you're not bringing anything new or anything positive and extra to the table, you are as dead weight and you will hold the other person down. In practical terms, if you're needy, you're not relationship ready. If you're needy, get a therapist. Get a job. Get a life because your mate would be better off with a teddy bear or a dog.
What is needy? Neediness is defined as poor; impoverished; feeling or showing a strong need for affection, love, or other emotional support. What's wrong with that? If your mate has to constantly water you, then he/she can't grow. What's worse? If he/she can't grow, he/she is going to eventually go to a place where growth is inevitable. Proof of this is affairs in the workplace. They typically start when two people working together begin to share their needs/personal problems. In a relationship, the person who is pressured to give the most is the one who ends up needing the most, and if he/she can't get it at home, he/she is not going to look for it there. It will be found in the workplace, the gym, school, or any other place where people come together for common interests. If you've got nothing to share with your mate, he/she will ultimately seek "sharedom"(not a real word) with someone else.
How can this be circumvented? Not by doing what you already do harder. Do something different. Have something new to share when you meet up with your mate. But you said he/she will share with someone who has a common interest. Yep. That's exactly what I said, but if he/she is in a relationship with you, common interest with YOU has already been established. Too much common gets boring. If you're in a relationship, you need to bring conversation to the table that is different from what he's bringing. If not, he could actually be you, and he doesn't need you for that.
Here's the trick, though. It can't be something you thought of on your own. You can't determine what he/she is going to be interested in. That's like a posed picture. It would eventually bore even you. It has to be something that you do naturally. His/her attraction to you has to be a natural attraction; one generated from your inner passions/desires. This attraction is by spiritual emission; it's natural, not manufactured. Otherwise you will get tired of working to attract your mate, and your mate will get tired of you deciding what is interesting to him/her. This is how people grow apart. To avoid growing apart, each of you must first grow up, then continue to grow. Your natural interests will keep your partner's attention. But be careful with this one. If the natural interest of your mate is what he medicates or pacifies him/herself with, there's going to be a problem. If he/she is medicating or pacifying, he/she is also covering up a deep seated problem that may have been there before you and will be there after you. How can you tell if this is the issue? One word: excessive. If it's excessive, offensive to you, and/or there is an obsession with him/herself, work, hobby, favorite pastime, interest, etc., it's an unhealthy situation. Do yourself a favor: GET OUT WHILE YOUR SELF WORTH IS STILL IN TACT! Some examples: he's still collecting batman, superman, star wars figurines and other paraphernalia from his youth that he forbids you to touch and has a tendency to pick fights with you when he can't get an article he wants. She is constantly buying things or having surgery to enhance her looks and she can't stop flirting with other guys. He/she gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night playing World of Warcraft, Call of Duty, Madden 2012, or worse, Pacman, Asteroids or Millipede. She spends more time with her family/friends than she does with you and their word is Bible, holding much more weight than yours. On the other hand, if he/she is naturally building upon the part of their world that attracted you to him/her in the first place, even if it requires long hours at the office or in the studio, and you can see the progress, you're in a good place. Some examples: he was a sales associate when you met him; now he's a regional manager or owns his own franchise. He was waiting on a rap contract when you met him; now you can hear his work on the radio. She worked for a burger joint when you met her; now she's climbing the corporate ladder and working in an office. He was playing high school ball when you met him; now he's playing in college, and earning a degree. She was hanging out with a bunch of friends and family when you met her; now she has a different support group where everyone is working or doing something productive, and what they do does not infringe on your relationship because she doesn't leave you out of the loop.
The best and only way to enter into and stay in a good, solid relationship is to be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy yourself, then meet your equally healthy mate in a healthy situation. In other words, don't be a drama queen/king, bringing your drama to his/her already dramatic situation. If you want a healthy relationship, leave all the baby mama drama alone, whether it's yours or his/hers. Drama is drama, and if that's what you like or need, you're not ready for a relationship. On the other hand, if he has a passion to succeed when you meet him, he/she's going to reach his goal, but you can't pull him away from his destination. If she has a desire for higher in her own life when you meet her, she's going to help you to see your own "higher", so don't pull her down. In any case, that which is in your heart is going to seep through your pores in a way that no healthy person will try to snuff out. Again, this is spiritual emission. If your mind is solid, don't waste your time on a weak, needy mate; by nature, you will be pulled down. He/she won't have the strength to climb up or out with you; the expectation will be that you will carry him/her on your back. Once again, dead weight. On the way up, you are going to meet several obstacles or oppositions that are spiritually designed to make or break you. These are those things that you will have no control over: haters, idiot bosses/superiors, temporary financial problems, mooching family/friends, mood swings, fatigue, loss of interests, loss of appetite, disappointments, temporary depression, etc. Strong woman/strong men, you've got to be stronger than natural obstacles, so you damn sure don't need any manufactured drama! When he can't see himself through, you have to be the extra pair of eyes he needs. When she feels like sitting down, you will have to stand up for the two of you, because in that moment, you'll have to encourage her to stand; not stand in her stead. You've got to be stronger than anything that comes against him/her, and more often than not, that will be friends and family. For this reason, a man shall leave the house of his mother and father and cleave unto his wife. But she better be the right one! She better be stronger; not louder. Stronger; not more needy. Stronger; not more obnoxious. Stronger, but not based on the need to satisfy your flesh. Stronger, if you want to succeed. Stronger, if the two of you are going to make it. Stronger, if your kids are going to be worth a damn. Stronger if you want to live life abundantly. Stronger than what come what may. Stronger...
Let's face it, relationships--or the desire for one--will be here until the end of time. I talk to people all the time, trying to reason with them and show them the importance of living/exploring their own life before attempting to share it with someone else. Truthfully, people are not trying to hear that--young or old. The fact of the matter though, is that if you don't have anything to bring to a relationship, you're not going to get much out of it. Though it is common practice to enter into a union with another person, hoping that he/she has enough for the two of you to build upon, it is the absolute worst thing a person can do if hoping for relationship staying power. It's great if you're only looking for a one night stand, but relationship is different. Two are better than one because you end up with twice as much as each of you had alone, but if one brings nothing to the table, the other ends up with only half of what he started with. Do the math. If you're the one bringing nothing, you're putting a lot of pressure on the other to be twice what he/she was before you came along. Instead of being 50% of the union, he/she has to be 100%. Being "100" means you don't need anybody else. That's why she doesn't call or he won't commit. Why should she/he? If you're not bringing anything new or anything positive and extra to the table, you are as dead weight and you will hold the other person down. In practical terms, if you're needy, you're not relationship ready. If you're needy, get a therapist. Get a job. Get a life because your mate would be better off with a teddy bear or a dog.
What is needy? Neediness is defined as poor; impoverished; feeling or showing a strong need for affection, love, or other emotional support. What's wrong with that? If your mate has to constantly water you, then he/she can't grow. What's worse? If he/she can't grow, he/she is going to eventually go to a place where growth is inevitable. Proof of this is affairs in the workplace. They typically start when two people working together begin to share their needs/personal problems. In a relationship, the person who is pressured to give the most is the one who ends up needing the most, and if he/she can't get it at home, he/she is not going to look for it there. It will be found in the workplace, the gym, school, or any other place where people come together for common interests. If you've got nothing to share with your mate, he/she will ultimately seek "sharedom"(not a real word) with someone else.
How can this be circumvented? Not by doing what you already do harder. Do something different. Have something new to share when you meet up with your mate. But you said he/she will share with someone who has a common interest. Yep. That's exactly what I said, but if he/she is in a relationship with you, common interest with YOU has already been established. Too much common gets boring. If you're in a relationship, you need to bring conversation to the table that is different from what he's bringing. If not, he could actually be you, and he doesn't need you for that.
Here's the trick, though. It can't be something you thought of on your own. You can't determine what he/she is going to be interested in. That's like a posed picture. It would eventually bore even you. It has to be something that you do naturally. His/her attraction to you has to be a natural attraction; one generated from your inner passions/desires. This attraction is by spiritual emission; it's natural, not manufactured. Otherwise you will get tired of working to attract your mate, and your mate will get tired of you deciding what is interesting to him/her. This is how people grow apart. To avoid growing apart, each of you must first grow up, then continue to grow. Your natural interests will keep your partner's attention. But be careful with this one. If the natural interest of your mate is what he medicates or pacifies him/herself with, there's going to be a problem. If he/she is medicating or pacifying, he/she is also covering up a deep seated problem that may have been there before you and will be there after you. How can you tell if this is the issue? One word: excessive. If it's excessive, offensive to you, and/or there is an obsession with him/herself, work, hobby, favorite pastime, interest, etc., it's an unhealthy situation. Do yourself a favor: GET OUT WHILE YOUR SELF WORTH IS STILL IN TACT! Some examples: he's still collecting batman, superman, star wars figurines and other paraphernalia from his youth that he forbids you to touch and has a tendency to pick fights with you when he can't get an article he wants. She is constantly buying things or having surgery to enhance her looks and she can't stop flirting with other guys. He/she gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night playing World of Warcraft, Call of Duty, Madden 2012, or worse, Pacman, Asteroids or Millipede. She spends more time with her family/friends than she does with you and their word is Bible, holding much more weight than yours. On the other hand, if he/she is naturally building upon the part of their world that attracted you to him/her in the first place, even if it requires long hours at the office or in the studio, and you can see the progress, you're in a good place. Some examples: he was a sales associate when you met him; now he's a regional manager or owns his own franchise. He was waiting on a rap contract when you met him; now you can hear his work on the radio. She worked for a burger joint when you met her; now she's climbing the corporate ladder and working in an office. He was playing high school ball when you met him; now he's playing in college, and earning a degree. She was hanging out with a bunch of friends and family when you met her; now she has a different support group where everyone is working or doing something productive, and what they do does not infringe on your relationship because she doesn't leave you out of the loop.
The best and only way to enter into and stay in a good, solid relationship is to be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy yourself, then meet your equally healthy mate in a healthy situation. In other words, don't be a drama queen/king, bringing your drama to his/her already dramatic situation. If you want a healthy relationship, leave all the baby mama drama alone, whether it's yours or his/hers. Drama is drama, and if that's what you like or need, you're not ready for a relationship. On the other hand, if he has a passion to succeed when you meet him, he/she's going to reach his goal, but you can't pull him away from his destination. If she has a desire for higher in her own life when you meet her, she's going to help you to see your own "higher", so don't pull her down. In any case, that which is in your heart is going to seep through your pores in a way that no healthy person will try to snuff out. Again, this is spiritual emission. If your mind is solid, don't waste your time on a weak, needy mate; by nature, you will be pulled down. He/she won't have the strength to climb up or out with you; the expectation will be that you will carry him/her on your back. Once again, dead weight. On the way up, you are going to meet several obstacles or oppositions that are spiritually designed to make or break you. These are those things that you will have no control over: haters, idiot bosses/superiors, temporary financial problems, mooching family/friends, mood swings, fatigue, loss of interests, loss of appetite, disappointments, temporary depression, etc. Strong woman/strong men, you've got to be stronger than natural obstacles, so you damn sure don't need any manufactured drama! When he can't see himself through, you have to be the extra pair of eyes he needs. When she feels like sitting down, you will have to stand up for the two of you, because in that moment, you'll have to encourage her to stand; not stand in her stead. You've got to be stronger than anything that comes against him/her, and more often than not, that will be friends and family. For this reason, a man shall leave the house of his mother and father and cleave unto his wife. But she better be the right one! She better be stronger; not louder. Stronger; not more needy. Stronger; not more obnoxious. Stronger, but not based on the need to satisfy your flesh. Stronger, if you want to succeed. Stronger, if the two of you are going to make it. Stronger, if your kids are going to be worth a damn. Stronger if you want to live life abundantly. Stronger than what come what may. Stronger...
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Sex Ed: Ancient Biblical History
"Sex is only dirty if the partners are."
I'm a bit perplexed. By now, we've all heard about the heat Kirk Cameron is taking for calling homosexuality "unnatural". He's a Christian. A Bible believing Christian. Why would anybody be surprised at what he said? He got it straight from the Bible (and it's also in the New Testament, Mr. Thicke). I'm quite disturbed at the way society handles Christian views about homosexuality. It's as though Christians are expected to hide/deny what we believe so that gays can be comfortable with what they believe. Gays and their supporters think it's natural to have same gender sexual relations; Bible believing Christians believe it is unnatural. We are all entitled to what we believe, and as grown folk, we should be able to agree to disagree without getting stupid about it. Liberals, stop asking Christians what they believe if you don't want to hear it, and for God's sake, stop being surprised because we haven't changed our view of homosexuality. We're not going to, and WE DON'T CARE about your judgment! The proof is in the pudding; you'll see (Romans 14:11).
But the homosexual thing is not what has me so befuddled. I watched The View this morning and one of the guests was a pastor who preaches and encourages great sex within the marital union between a man and a woman, which is drawing some very unpopular opinion. I don't understand what the problem is with this. Whether we are members of a church or not, my man needs to handle his business, and if he doesn't put it down, well...let's just say that Kitty will be very unhappy and will begin to meow--loudly--in 9-1-1 mode! If Kitty continues to meow with no satisfaction, the meow will turn into a loud piercing yowl. If you're a cat owner--cat as is in Felis Silvestris (the kind with four legs)--you will understand what I'm talking about. If not, I'll give you another example: think of a sexually unsatisfied marriage partner as a cat who's owner never gives him anything to drink. What's the poor animal supposed to do when it's thirsty: swallow it's spit? Okay. That might be a little graphic, but I think it's warranted here. I could have painted a more vivid picture, but I know that some of my viewers are considerably younger or more prudish than I am and may not be ready for that, so...
...if Kitty gets nothing to satisfy her thirst, is she just destined to live out the rest of her life unsatisfied? Tell me please, what would be the point of being married? Yes, marriage is about more than sex, but if you're kidding yourself into believing that you and your partner both feel that way...let's say it together...it sucks to be you! And if YOU are the one who feels that way, you might want to have a little talk with your partner about how he/she really feels!
Raven Simone was the guest host today and she asked a really important question: what does the Bible say about sex. The pastor correctly answered that "the Bible has a lot to say about sex". Here's the problem for far too many folks: the only part of sex that most have been taught by the church is that "fornication" is bad. Oh, yes. The older church goers may have been taught about the Song of Songs (commonly referred to as "the Song of Solomon") but most won't admit that they have no real idea what that book of the Bible really means. From a young age, church children are taught about the hellfire sex will bring on (not that most of them listen, but there are few who do). Sex is taught as taboo, which will strike up curiosity and a a desire to taste of the forbidden fruit faster than any other teaching. Sex is one of the most natural things in existence, but it is not addressed in the church, nor in the home, in the way that it should be. As a result, divorce, extramarital affairs, homosexuality, pornography, molestation, etc., are rampant in the once so sacred church institution. I thought to insert some statistics here to show how bad things are, but statistics are often skewed, therefore making them worthless. I looked up an article on divorce in the church. The first thing I saw was that, according to the researchers findings, divorce was higher among Black folk in the church than whites. Having done a study on stats many moons ago, I learned that if you're going to look at percentages, you must also look at the number of people surveyed because the numbers are not often balanced. In this particular study, 464 African Americans had been interviewed and compared to the 2641 Caucasians who'd been asked the same questions. It looks like the number is higher among Black folk, 36% to 32% white, but in all actuality--or in actual numbers--that would be 167 Black folks as compared to 845 white ones. So let's not look at stats. Instead, let's look at some of the things the Bible says about sex:
1. Don't have sex before it's time. Song of Songs 2:7
2. The body is not meant for sexual immorality. 1Corinthians 6:12-20
3. If a church goer is sexually immoral, hand him over to Satan. Do not even eat with him.
Kick him out of the church! 1Corinthians 5: 4-5, 11,13.
4. Homosexuality is unnatural. Romans 1:26-27
5. Homosexuality is an abomination to God and a detestable act. Leviticus 18:22, 20:13.
6. Bestiality is punishable by death--to both the animal and the human. Leviticus 15-16
7. Incest is a disgrace. Leviticus 20:17-2
8. It's better to marry than to burn in lust. 1 Corinthians 7:8
There are many more things said, but my personal favorite, and the topic of this blog is found in Hebrews 13:4. Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. KJV
The marriage bed is undefiled! The Bible says that. What a man and woman do consensually in their marital bed is no one else's business; not even the pastor of your church. So listen up men and wives; slap it up, flip it, rub it down! When you're married, you can do that! You're supposed to do that! And for those of you felines who like to withhold the "Scooby Snacks" when you're angry, read Ephesians 4:26. Don't give a foothold to your enemy when you're angry. Handle your business before you wake up in the morning. Even if it's not sex; take care of the problem before you go to sleep.
In all seriousness, we need to understand what the Bible teaches. In order to do that, you must understand an important misconception about God and what He does. Contrary to popular belief, God is not looking to punish you for missing the mark. Most of what He says--especially in the New Testament--was not designed as unbearable punishments for those who do not obey His commands. If you pay attention to what was written, you will find that He's really telling us what will happen to us if we don't follow the right path. Life in the earth realm is like a maze; there are several paths to follow, but only one that will lead you to the finish line. Though God is severe when He punishes, understand that what He punishes is the disobedience of rebellion. Rebellion is deliberate disobedience. If you're not rebellious, He's not going to destroy you. The real truth of the matter is that He's looking to help you to avoid the hell He knows you will bring onto yourself if you follow any of the other pathways in the maze; they are all dead ends. His true desire is that none of His should perish. For that reason, He has sent us a bunch of help (Psalm 91:11-16), but you MUST follow His direction if you want to make it out alive. He's giving direcTION; not direcTIVES. Take up your cross and follow Him. He is not barking orders as religion teaches, but rather sending you the help you need to navigate this crazy, sinful, unenlightened world filled with people who will tell you whatever sounds good to them (1 Timothy 1:1-11, 2 Timothy 3, paying close attention to vs.6-9).
So if you're married, work it, Baby! It's Biblical.
I'm a bit perplexed. By now, we've all heard about the heat Kirk Cameron is taking for calling homosexuality "unnatural". He's a Christian. A Bible believing Christian. Why would anybody be surprised at what he said? He got it straight from the Bible (and it's also in the New Testament, Mr. Thicke). I'm quite disturbed at the way society handles Christian views about homosexuality. It's as though Christians are expected to hide/deny what we believe so that gays can be comfortable with what they believe. Gays and their supporters think it's natural to have same gender sexual relations; Bible believing Christians believe it is unnatural. We are all entitled to what we believe, and as grown folk, we should be able to agree to disagree without getting stupid about it. Liberals, stop asking Christians what they believe if you don't want to hear it, and for God's sake, stop being surprised because we haven't changed our view of homosexuality. We're not going to, and WE DON'T CARE about your judgment! The proof is in the pudding; you'll see (Romans 14:11).
But the homosexual thing is not what has me so befuddled. I watched The View this morning and one of the guests was a pastor who preaches and encourages great sex within the marital union between a man and a woman, which is drawing some very unpopular opinion. I don't understand what the problem is with this. Whether we are members of a church or not, my man needs to handle his business, and if he doesn't put it down, well...let's just say that Kitty will be very unhappy and will begin to meow--loudly--in 9-1-1 mode! If Kitty continues to meow with no satisfaction, the meow will turn into a loud piercing yowl. If you're a cat owner--cat as is in Felis Silvestris (the kind with four legs)--you will understand what I'm talking about. If not, I'll give you another example: think of a sexually unsatisfied marriage partner as a cat who's owner never gives him anything to drink. What's the poor animal supposed to do when it's thirsty: swallow it's spit? Okay. That might be a little graphic, but I think it's warranted here. I could have painted a more vivid picture, but I know that some of my viewers are considerably younger or more prudish than I am and may not be ready for that, so...
...if Kitty gets nothing to satisfy her thirst, is she just destined to live out the rest of her life unsatisfied? Tell me please, what would be the point of being married? Yes, marriage is about more than sex, but if you're kidding yourself into believing that you and your partner both feel that way...let's say it together...it sucks to be you! And if YOU are the one who feels that way, you might want to have a little talk with your partner about how he/she really feels!
Raven Simone was the guest host today and she asked a really important question: what does the Bible say about sex. The pastor correctly answered that "the Bible has a lot to say about sex". Here's the problem for far too many folks: the only part of sex that most have been taught by the church is that "fornication" is bad. Oh, yes. The older church goers may have been taught about the Song of Songs (commonly referred to as "the Song of Solomon") but most won't admit that they have no real idea what that book of the Bible really means. From a young age, church children are taught about the hellfire sex will bring on (not that most of them listen, but there are few who do). Sex is taught as taboo, which will strike up curiosity and a a desire to taste of the forbidden fruit faster than any other teaching. Sex is one of the most natural things in existence, but it is not addressed in the church, nor in the home, in the way that it should be. As a result, divorce, extramarital affairs, homosexuality, pornography, molestation, etc., are rampant in the once so sacred church institution. I thought to insert some statistics here to show how bad things are, but statistics are often skewed, therefore making them worthless. I looked up an article on divorce in the church. The first thing I saw was that, according to the researchers findings, divorce was higher among Black folk in the church than whites. Having done a study on stats many moons ago, I learned that if you're going to look at percentages, you must also look at the number of people surveyed because the numbers are not often balanced. In this particular study, 464 African Americans had been interviewed and compared to the 2641 Caucasians who'd been asked the same questions. It looks like the number is higher among Black folk, 36% to 32% white, but in all actuality--or in actual numbers--that would be 167 Black folks as compared to 845 white ones. So let's not look at stats. Instead, let's look at some of the things the Bible says about sex:
1. Don't have sex before it's time. Song of Songs 2:7
2. The body is not meant for sexual immorality. 1Corinthians 6:12-20
3. If a church goer is sexually immoral, hand him over to Satan. Do not even eat with him.
Kick him out of the church! 1Corinthians 5: 4-5, 11,13.
4. Homosexuality is unnatural. Romans 1:26-27
5. Homosexuality is an abomination to God and a detestable act. Leviticus 18:22, 20:13.
6. Bestiality is punishable by death--to both the animal and the human. Leviticus 15-16
7. Incest is a disgrace. Leviticus 20:17-2
8. It's better to marry than to burn in lust. 1 Corinthians 7:8
There are many more things said, but my personal favorite, and the topic of this blog is found in Hebrews 13:4. Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. KJV
The marriage bed is undefiled! The Bible says that. What a man and woman do consensually in their marital bed is no one else's business; not even the pastor of your church. So listen up men and wives; slap it up, flip it, rub it down! When you're married, you can do that! You're supposed to do that! And for those of you felines who like to withhold the "Scooby Snacks" when you're angry, read Ephesians 4:26. Don't give a foothold to your enemy when you're angry. Handle your business before you wake up in the morning. Even if it's not sex; take care of the problem before you go to sleep.
In all seriousness, we need to understand what the Bible teaches. In order to do that, you must understand an important misconception about God and what He does. Contrary to popular belief, God is not looking to punish you for missing the mark. Most of what He says--especially in the New Testament--was not designed as unbearable punishments for those who do not obey His commands. If you pay attention to what was written, you will find that He's really telling us what will happen to us if we don't follow the right path. Life in the earth realm is like a maze; there are several paths to follow, but only one that will lead you to the finish line. Though God is severe when He punishes, understand that what He punishes is the disobedience of rebellion. Rebellion is deliberate disobedience. If you're not rebellious, He's not going to destroy you. The real truth of the matter is that He's looking to help you to avoid the hell He knows you will bring onto yourself if you follow any of the other pathways in the maze; they are all dead ends. His true desire is that none of His should perish. For that reason, He has sent us a bunch of help (Psalm 91:11-16), but you MUST follow His direction if you want to make it out alive. He's giving direcTION; not direcTIVES. Take up your cross and follow Him. He is not barking orders as religion teaches, but rather sending you the help you need to navigate this crazy, sinful, unenlightened world filled with people who will tell you whatever sounds good to them (1 Timothy 1:1-11, 2 Timothy 3, paying close attention to vs.6-9).
So if you're married, work it, Baby! It's Biblical.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Good Takes Work
"There's nothing to fear but fear itself."
Imagine waking up in a room crawling with spiders and fire ants. You don't know how you got there, but you know you have to get out. You look for a door, but there isn't one. You see a window across the room so you make a run for it, jumping over the arachnids/insects. This mad dash seemed to stir them up and they are showing signs of aggression and aggravation, and are now moving rapidly in every direction they can, completely covering the floor with their presence. You reach for the window but find the darned thing nailed shut. You begin to panic as you see that the spiders and ants are multiplying like crazy right before your eyes. There's no other window and no crawl space. Even if there were, you wouldn't be able to get to either of them because the floor and the walls are blackening before your eyes with the multiplying critters. Some of them are beginning to fly! You begin to itch and scratch at the sight of them. Your movement is making the ants crazy and the spiders are getting...well...antsy. There's nothing you can do? By now you are really panicking. You're beginning to sweat, and your mouth is getting really dry. Your stomach is queazy and your head is feeling light. There's no obvious way out, so what do you do?
You STOP IMAGINING! That's what you do! It's all in your mind anyway, so you have total control over the situation--even though it doesn't seem so! As crazy as this sounds, it is the best answer to every "what-if " question you ask yourself as you talk yourself out of doing something you're unsure of. STOP IMAGINING what people are going to say or do without giving them a chance to do something different! Stop writing roles for other people to play in your life, then having them act them out in your head, causing you to fail at something or to deny yourself/others of what is rightfully yours/theirs. When you "what-if" yourself out of doing something you should, you deny others the opportunity to do the opposite of what you thought they would. Maybe they are not as pessimistic as you. Maybe the situation is better than you could have ever thought possible, but how will you know for sure unless you check it out?
So many times we drive ourselves crazy with anxiety as we imagine ourselves into a no win situation. The infamous "what if" questions trap us inside impossible situations all of the time and we end up doing something crazy, or not doing something we know we really should or that we really want to do. How many times have you "what if-ed" yourself out of doing something you were really excited to do? Have you ever stopped yourself from calling or visiting someone you really wanted to talk to or see because you imagined that what he/she would say or think would be too much for you? Did you imagine how the conversation or visit would go in a way so negative that you decided he/she didn't want to hear from or see you? How many fun or important things have you missed out on in your life on the count of "what if'? How many insults or criticisms have you heard in your mind that altered your attitude or behavior toward another person? This is called shadow boxing. Shadow boxing is no good because most don't do well with the imagined T.K.O's, and end up angry at folks who don't know why they're angry at them---even though we insist they "know exactly what the problem is". How crazy is this?
Before you talk yourself out of your next opportunity to visit, meet, see, help, go out with, call, interview play, jam, work, sing, talk, invest, share with another person, STOP IMAGINING! As your mind asks "what if", allow your mouth to ask "what if not?" Usually what you talk yourself out of turns out to be the best thing for you. Negative self talk (shadow boxing) is what happens when the fear on the inside of you steers you off a guided path to something good. Fear is false expectations appearing real. Fear is a bully that drums up false expectations inside our heads, and we accept and treat the accusations as though they are real. How many times a day are you defeated by your own mind?
The next time you have an opportunity to do something fun or receive something good, and fear pops up to distract you, take steps to forge ahead in spite of it. You just might find that you are capable of defeating fear and ripping away it's control over your life. Take small steps like repeating something positive or powerful in your mind whenever fear thoughts come up: "I can do this" or "I deserve this" or "It doesn't matter whether or not I deserve this; it belongs to me!" or "get thee behind me, Satan!" If you're speaking positives out of your mouth, you won't hear the negatives as loudly in your head. This takes practice, so if you're not successful your first time out, try, try again! Each time you try this, it will get easier and easier. It may feel a little crazy at first, but don't you feel crazy anyway?
Fear is not your friend, so stop allowing him in your house. Kick him out of your mental space. He only comes to destroy perfectly good opportunities. Stop imagining the worst and learn to partake of the best! Everybody deserves to have something good happen in their lives, but good ain't gonna bop you on the head! Bad comes easily, but good you have to work for. So suit up! Go to work: stop yourself from expecting and imagining the worst and learn to hope for the best. Meditating on that which is good vs. that which is bad takes work, but it will produce good fruit in your life. Get busy. Don't hesitate. Start today. Get going and good luck!
Imagine waking up in a room crawling with spiders and fire ants. You don't know how you got there, but you know you have to get out. You look for a door, but there isn't one. You see a window across the room so you make a run for it, jumping over the arachnids/insects. This mad dash seemed to stir them up and they are showing signs of aggression and aggravation, and are now moving rapidly in every direction they can, completely covering the floor with their presence. You reach for the window but find the darned thing nailed shut. You begin to panic as you see that the spiders and ants are multiplying like crazy right before your eyes. There's no other window and no crawl space. Even if there were, you wouldn't be able to get to either of them because the floor and the walls are blackening before your eyes with the multiplying critters. Some of them are beginning to fly! You begin to itch and scratch at the sight of them. Your movement is making the ants crazy and the spiders are getting...well...antsy. There's nothing you can do? By now you are really panicking. You're beginning to sweat, and your mouth is getting really dry. Your stomach is queazy and your head is feeling light. There's no obvious way out, so what do you do?
You STOP IMAGINING! That's what you do! It's all in your mind anyway, so you have total control over the situation--even though it doesn't seem so! As crazy as this sounds, it is the best answer to every "what-if " question you ask yourself as you talk yourself out of doing something you're unsure of. STOP IMAGINING what people are going to say or do without giving them a chance to do something different! Stop writing roles for other people to play in your life, then having them act them out in your head, causing you to fail at something or to deny yourself/others of what is rightfully yours/theirs. When you "what-if" yourself out of doing something you should, you deny others the opportunity to do the opposite of what you thought they would. Maybe they are not as pessimistic as you. Maybe the situation is better than you could have ever thought possible, but how will you know for sure unless you check it out?
So many times we drive ourselves crazy with anxiety as we imagine ourselves into a no win situation. The infamous "what if" questions trap us inside impossible situations all of the time and we end up doing something crazy, or not doing something we know we really should or that we really want to do. How many times have you "what if-ed" yourself out of doing something you were really excited to do? Have you ever stopped yourself from calling or visiting someone you really wanted to talk to or see because you imagined that what he/she would say or think would be too much for you? Did you imagine how the conversation or visit would go in a way so negative that you decided he/she didn't want to hear from or see you? How many fun or important things have you missed out on in your life on the count of "what if'? How many insults or criticisms have you heard in your mind that altered your attitude or behavior toward another person? This is called shadow boxing. Shadow boxing is no good because most don't do well with the imagined T.K.O's, and end up angry at folks who don't know why they're angry at them---even though we insist they "know exactly what the problem is". How crazy is this?
Before you talk yourself out of your next opportunity to visit, meet, see, help, go out with, call, interview play, jam, work, sing, talk, invest, share with another person, STOP IMAGINING! As your mind asks "what if", allow your mouth to ask "what if not?" Usually what you talk yourself out of turns out to be the best thing for you. Negative self talk (shadow boxing) is what happens when the fear on the inside of you steers you off a guided path to something good. Fear is false expectations appearing real. Fear is a bully that drums up false expectations inside our heads, and we accept and treat the accusations as though they are real. How many times a day are you defeated by your own mind?
The next time you have an opportunity to do something fun or receive something good, and fear pops up to distract you, take steps to forge ahead in spite of it. You just might find that you are capable of defeating fear and ripping away it's control over your life. Take small steps like repeating something positive or powerful in your mind whenever fear thoughts come up: "I can do this" or "I deserve this" or "It doesn't matter whether or not I deserve this; it belongs to me!" or "get thee behind me, Satan!" If you're speaking positives out of your mouth, you won't hear the negatives as loudly in your head. This takes practice, so if you're not successful your first time out, try, try again! Each time you try this, it will get easier and easier. It may feel a little crazy at first, but don't you feel crazy anyway?
Fear is not your friend, so stop allowing him in your house. Kick him out of your mental space. He only comes to destroy perfectly good opportunities. Stop imagining the worst and learn to partake of the best! Everybody deserves to have something good happen in their lives, but good ain't gonna bop you on the head! Bad comes easily, but good you have to work for. So suit up! Go to work: stop yourself from expecting and imagining the worst and learn to hope for the best. Meditating on that which is good vs. that which is bad takes work, but it will produce good fruit in your life. Get busy. Don't hesitate. Start today. Get going and good luck!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Making Good Memories
"A picture is only worth a thousand words; a good memory can be told and retold for an entire lifetime."
Recently, I talked to someone who was down and out due to the loss of all of the pictures of her children in a move across country. That stimulated my thinking...
...how many of us rely on pictures to remind us of the past? Please don't say that the purpose of the pictures is to remind us, because all of you know that most folks pose pictures vs. taking candid shots. I hate posed pictures at times because it feels like someone is lying to me! I don't know; maybe that's just me. I prefer candid shots that tell the story of what was happening in that particular moment. But that is what a memory is to me. Sometimes you can't capture it with a camera because the excitement or the magnitude of the moment isn't tangible. I prefer to tell the story myself, if I can, because telling the story can bring the moment back to life in a way that even those who weren't there can share it. But that can only be done if you burn the image into your mind with the desire to remember it. What do you desire to remember? Don't get me wrong. I have tons of pictures of my family, but I choose not to show them to everybody. They are only seen by a few, but I will tell stories about the events where they were taken over and over, and it's fun each time (the key to the fun is in telling people who want to hear it, though!).
The decision to withhold the pictures began for me as a need for privacy, but developed into a practice that has proven beneficial to my family and friends. I cringe when I'm with people I didn't grow up with and someone I know from back in the day breaks out a picture of me wearing a fashion that was popular thirty or forty years before! That's not a cute thing to do. I've never seen the humor in that, and quite frankly think it's rather cruel. Think of people who have had to have corrective/cosmetic surgery, those who have lost or gained a significant amount of weight, or even others like me who lost their childhood ugly and aren't looking to find it----ever again! I don't really understand why people think I'm looking for it. I'm not. I had a hard enough time with it when I knew where it was! It wasn't easy having it, and for some reason, people find it enjoyable to locate it to show your family and friends how you used to look! Come on, folks, show some compassion. You never know; you might even be frightening my children into not giving me grandchildren! That's not fair! It's like you're showing them a latent gene that skipped a generation. I would imagine that it's almost as bad as being "outed" in some cases. If you're one who does that, please stop! I don't look like I did forty years ago, and I'd like my family to remember me just the way I am--today, thank you! You can tell all the stories you want, but do you really have to show pictures?
Seriously, a memory can be told and retold for an entire lifetime--if the memory truly exists. What memories do you have to tell? If you're one of those people who "smiles for the camera" but frowns immediately after the flash, maybe it's time you participate in something that makes you smile even when there are no cameras around. Stop doing what you're supposed to do, according to the law of society when your mom/dad was a child, and free yourself up to do the things you'd truly like to do and tell someone about. Do something you've been wanting to do for a very long time, but never did. Have something exciting to tell your grands and great grands when they are old enough to handle it. Remember to keep it all healthy. Don't do anything stupid. Telling and retelling good lifetime memories from a prison cell doesn't count!
Recently, I talked to someone who was down and out due to the loss of all of the pictures of her children in a move across country. That stimulated my thinking...
...how many of us rely on pictures to remind us of the past? Please don't say that the purpose of the pictures is to remind us, because all of you know that most folks pose pictures vs. taking candid shots. I hate posed pictures at times because it feels like someone is lying to me! I don't know; maybe that's just me. I prefer candid shots that tell the story of what was happening in that particular moment. But that is what a memory is to me. Sometimes you can't capture it with a camera because the excitement or the magnitude of the moment isn't tangible. I prefer to tell the story myself, if I can, because telling the story can bring the moment back to life in a way that even those who weren't there can share it. But that can only be done if you burn the image into your mind with the desire to remember it. What do you desire to remember? Don't get me wrong. I have tons of pictures of my family, but I choose not to show them to everybody. They are only seen by a few, but I will tell stories about the events where they were taken over and over, and it's fun each time (the key to the fun is in telling people who want to hear it, though!).
The decision to withhold the pictures began for me as a need for privacy, but developed into a practice that has proven beneficial to my family and friends. I cringe when I'm with people I didn't grow up with and someone I know from back in the day breaks out a picture of me wearing a fashion that was popular thirty or forty years before! That's not a cute thing to do. I've never seen the humor in that, and quite frankly think it's rather cruel. Think of people who have had to have corrective/cosmetic surgery, those who have lost or gained a significant amount of weight, or even others like me who lost their childhood ugly and aren't looking to find it----ever again! I don't really understand why people think I'm looking for it. I'm not. I had a hard enough time with it when I knew where it was! It wasn't easy having it, and for some reason, people find it enjoyable to locate it to show your family and friends how you used to look! Come on, folks, show some compassion. You never know; you might even be frightening my children into not giving me grandchildren! That's not fair! It's like you're showing them a latent gene that skipped a generation. I would imagine that it's almost as bad as being "outed" in some cases. If you're one who does that, please stop! I don't look like I did forty years ago, and I'd like my family to remember me just the way I am--today, thank you! You can tell all the stories you want, but do you really have to show pictures?
Seriously, a memory can be told and retold for an entire lifetime--if the memory truly exists. What memories do you have to tell? If you're one of those people who "smiles for the camera" but frowns immediately after the flash, maybe it's time you participate in something that makes you smile even when there are no cameras around. Stop doing what you're supposed to do, according to the law of society when your mom/dad was a child, and free yourself up to do the things you'd truly like to do and tell someone about. Do something you've been wanting to do for a very long time, but never did. Have something exciting to tell your grands and great grands when they are old enough to handle it. Remember to keep it all healthy. Don't do anything stupid. Telling and retelling good lifetime memories from a prison cell doesn't count!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
V.I.T.M.F.E.E.
"Don't expect others to give to you what you don't feel worthy of."
Okay. So I am admittedly a victim of modern technology; I am technologically sheltered. In other words, if I can't get it online, it will never be mine! That's real. I am so spoiled by the opportunity to shop, travel, dine in, register, etc., with my fingers that I don't know what I'd do if my hands were to ever be cut off. I don't know what I'd miss more, my fingers or the ease of life sans crowds, traffic, rude people, this generation's young adults (which is a cross between rude, ignorant, and no home training), long lines, sales associates or other staff that don't know any more about the product or service than I do, employees who don't speak enough English to understand what I'm asking for or with an accent too heavy for me to understand what they're saying, or my personal favorite...the employees who are certain in their own minds that I could never afford their store's product--as if they could! Usually, with few exceptions, if you work for the store, and you're prejudging others, it's because you can't afford the product--Mommy and Daddy's money doesn't count. If your parents are buying it for you, they can afford it; not you! But that's neither here nor there...
This works for me, but I have a lifestyle that supports that. I may sound somewhat prudish, but really, I'm just old and impatient at times. If you drew something racist, bigoted, or anything remotely close to that from the things I mentioned in the first paragraph, it just sucks to be you because it would mean that you're not open enough to hear what those of us who just want to be honest have to say. By now, if you've been keeping up with the blogs, you know that I'm not striving for perfection or political correctness; I'm just honest.
I am honestly appreciative of technology because I can be myself without my life being interfered with. I like being the V.I.T.M.F.E.E.: Very-Important-To-Myself-Forgetting(unless you want to use a much stronger "f" word)-Everybody-Else type of person, and I can be that online! I can give myself what I'm worthy of, without being interrupted by the ill thoughts and treatment of other people who don't feel the same way about themselves. Let's face it: all of us truly desire to be treated with some level of respect, and we deserve that--some more than others. When we're respected, our days seem to be more pleasant and we are more productive as individuals. In a right society, if we love ourselves, we could be as respectful as we are respected, and vice versa. But, unfortunately, we don't live in a right society, and it's not getting any "righter"! Our society is so rude and heartless now that it's almost impossible to stay in your lane and enjoy life out in public. Most people feel they have a right to get in your space. Not only that, they invite you into their space and have the nerve to become angry when you refuse to make them important. As much as I love kids, for example, I don't like it when someone else thinks that I should find their child, and everything he/she does, adorable enough for me to take time away from what I'm doing to let the child know it. If I don't take the time to applaud the child's beauty--which is truly in the eye of the beholder--I'm rude and obnoxious to the parent. Well, what if I don't think the child is cute? Do you want me to let him/her know that, too? What if I don't care about your child's cute? What if I'm in the middle of a crisis and completely missed the cuteness of your child? If I do think the child is cute, shouldn't it be my decision whether to tell you that or not? Don't I have a right to stay focused on what I'm doing even in the presence of your child's cutesy-pootsy self? I say build your child's vanity on your own time!! LOL
Anyway, to avoid confrontations of that nature or others like it, I enjoy the peace and solitude of my own space. I only share space when I have to! If I'm at home, I can be as important as I want to be, right? In the confines of my own space, I don't have to be concerned about what anyone else thinks. In my own place, I can talk about what I need to talk about without societal interruptions because I can handle my business without inadvertently stepping on anyone else's toes. Best of all, in my own space...
...I can love myself enough to not demand it from you. I can be my own cheerleader at home, then go out in public and allow you to be you--without expecting you to place me above you in order to spare my feelings. I can compliment myself and not be angry at you for not noticing my new shoes, or my new watch, or any other new stuff I have. I can take the time to assess my situation without worrying about what you're going to say about what I'm wearing or how I smell. I can apply as little or as much make-up as I want without needing you to validate or invalidate me.
I can give me what I deserve without bothering you. I can be confident in who I am, what I'm wearing, how I'm feeling, what I want to do, etc., without having to be concerned about any approval/disapproval, compliments/criticism, encouragement/put downs, cheers/jeers, insults or pleasantries from the world around me. And so can YOU! But if you're one who cannot love yourself, you will naturally interfere with others loving themselves. If you can't love yourself, you won't be able to allow others to love themselves without feeling as if they've infringed on your right to be down and out. (How many times have you witnessed a friend or acquaintance look at a happy person and say, "Nobody is that happy.") If I can love myself, you will not be able to sit still as I refrain from complaining about the things in my life that I don't like, nor will you be able to listen as I try to share my joy with others. My confidence begins with me understanding and dealing with the truth about me. The more I deal with me, the less you have to hear about it! My self-esteem starts with how I feel about myself, so please...allow me the courtesy of loving myself enough to allow you to love you. In return, I am going to need you to take the time to do what needs to be done for you, so that you won't have a problem with me loving me (or you, either, for that matter). In the end, we can love ourselves enough to not have to resort to modern technology in order to get done the things that normally cause people to have to interact, because healthy, pleasant interactions with others allow us to live life to the fullest. Be important to and respect yourself so others can do the same without having to put you on ignore with a "forget" about you attitude in order to enjoy themselves. Really and truly, being forgotten about does reduce the quality of your life.
Okay. So I am admittedly a victim of modern technology; I am technologically sheltered. In other words, if I can't get it online, it will never be mine! That's real. I am so spoiled by the opportunity to shop, travel, dine in, register, etc., with my fingers that I don't know what I'd do if my hands were to ever be cut off. I don't know what I'd miss more, my fingers or the ease of life sans crowds, traffic, rude people, this generation's young adults (which is a cross between rude, ignorant, and no home training), long lines, sales associates or other staff that don't know any more about the product or service than I do, employees who don't speak enough English to understand what I'm asking for or with an accent too heavy for me to understand what they're saying, or my personal favorite...the employees who are certain in their own minds that I could never afford their store's product--as if they could! Usually, with few exceptions, if you work for the store, and you're prejudging others, it's because you can't afford the product--Mommy and Daddy's money doesn't count. If your parents are buying it for you, they can afford it; not you! But that's neither here nor there...
This works for me, but I have a lifestyle that supports that. I may sound somewhat prudish, but really, I'm just old and impatient at times. If you drew something racist, bigoted, or anything remotely close to that from the things I mentioned in the first paragraph, it just sucks to be you because it would mean that you're not open enough to hear what those of us who just want to be honest have to say. By now, if you've been keeping up with the blogs, you know that I'm not striving for perfection or political correctness; I'm just honest.
I am honestly appreciative of technology because I can be myself without my life being interfered with. I like being the V.I.T.M.F.E.E.: Very-Important-To-Myself-Forgetting(unless you want to use a much stronger "f" word)-Everybody-Else type of person, and I can be that online! I can give myself what I'm worthy of, without being interrupted by the ill thoughts and treatment of other people who don't feel the same way about themselves. Let's face it: all of us truly desire to be treated with some level of respect, and we deserve that--some more than others. When we're respected, our days seem to be more pleasant and we are more productive as individuals. In a right society, if we love ourselves, we could be as respectful as we are respected, and vice versa. But, unfortunately, we don't live in a right society, and it's not getting any "righter"! Our society is so rude and heartless now that it's almost impossible to stay in your lane and enjoy life out in public. Most people feel they have a right to get in your space. Not only that, they invite you into their space and have the nerve to become angry when you refuse to make them important. As much as I love kids, for example, I don't like it when someone else thinks that I should find their child, and everything he/she does, adorable enough for me to take time away from what I'm doing to let the child know it. If I don't take the time to applaud the child's beauty--which is truly in the eye of the beholder--I'm rude and obnoxious to the parent. Well, what if I don't think the child is cute? Do you want me to let him/her know that, too? What if I don't care about your child's cute? What if I'm in the middle of a crisis and completely missed the cuteness of your child? If I do think the child is cute, shouldn't it be my decision whether to tell you that or not? Don't I have a right to stay focused on what I'm doing even in the presence of your child's cutesy-pootsy self? I say build your child's vanity on your own time!! LOL
Anyway, to avoid confrontations of that nature or others like it, I enjoy the peace and solitude of my own space. I only share space when I have to! If I'm at home, I can be as important as I want to be, right? In the confines of my own space, I don't have to be concerned about what anyone else thinks. In my own place, I can talk about what I need to talk about without societal interruptions because I can handle my business without inadvertently stepping on anyone else's toes. Best of all, in my own space...
...I can love myself enough to not demand it from you. I can be my own cheerleader at home, then go out in public and allow you to be you--without expecting you to place me above you in order to spare my feelings. I can compliment myself and not be angry at you for not noticing my new shoes, or my new watch, or any other new stuff I have. I can take the time to assess my situation without worrying about what you're going to say about what I'm wearing or how I smell. I can apply as little or as much make-up as I want without needing you to validate or invalidate me.
I can give me what I deserve without bothering you. I can be confident in who I am, what I'm wearing, how I'm feeling, what I want to do, etc., without having to be concerned about any approval/disapproval, compliments/criticism, encouragement/put downs, cheers/jeers, insults or pleasantries from the world around me. And so can YOU! But if you're one who cannot love yourself, you will naturally interfere with others loving themselves. If you can't love yourself, you won't be able to allow others to love themselves without feeling as if they've infringed on your right to be down and out. (How many times have you witnessed a friend or acquaintance look at a happy person and say, "Nobody is that happy.") If I can love myself, you will not be able to sit still as I refrain from complaining about the things in my life that I don't like, nor will you be able to listen as I try to share my joy with others. My confidence begins with me understanding and dealing with the truth about me. The more I deal with me, the less you have to hear about it! My self-esteem starts with how I feel about myself, so please...allow me the courtesy of loving myself enough to allow you to love you. In return, I am going to need you to take the time to do what needs to be done for you, so that you won't have a problem with me loving me (or you, either, for that matter). In the end, we can love ourselves enough to not have to resort to modern technology in order to get done the things that normally cause people to have to interact, because healthy, pleasant interactions with others allow us to live life to the fullest. Be important to and respect yourself so others can do the same without having to put you on ignore with a "forget" about you attitude in order to enjoy themselves. Really and truly, being forgotten about does reduce the quality of your life.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Closets Are Not Good Hiding Places
"If you don't want it seen you can hide it in the closet, but when it's time to come clean, everything hidden must be revealed."
We all know what to do when visitors come unexpected or at a time when we've not had time to clean house: hide it all in the closet! Then after they leave, we take everything back out and put it away as the guilt of not having it in it's proper place sets in. You know what we say to ourselves: I've got to get better about keeping this place clean. The next time they come, I'll be ready. Some of us are good at keeping our places clean, but others of us don't have the time or are just lazy! It doesn't matter which; no one here is judging you, but we do need to discuss some things.
Do you ever think about the things you shove into your mental closet? Do you ever take the time to clean it out? Probably not. Most of us wait for someone else to do that. Relationship partners, friends, coworkers and the like are given closet cleaning duty all the time--usually completely unaware of that being expected of them. Mates are expected to make all of our pain go away. After all, that is their job, right? Wrong! Most of them come with just as much baggage as you have. Females: most of us are bag ladies. We carry around way too much stuff and expect new relationships to make it all go away. Gents: you want to go into the closet, thinking you can fix things, but what's in there needs to be thrown out, not fixed. If your own closet were organized, you'd see that. People: Baggage plus baggage equals more baggage! If you're headed into a interpersonal relationship of any kind, look deep before you leap. How can you help me to walk if your legs are broken? How can I help you to walk if my ankles are shattered? What the heck is the point of us being together if neither of us can walk? The popular answer to those questions would be that we'd be okay standing still. Wrong! The healthy answer to that question would be that if we're both broken, we probably met in rehab. Why the heck would you get intimately involved with someone in rehab? Whether you realize it or not, rehab has a purpose! It's the place were broken people go to get help. It's the place where people go when they need professional help. If you're not a professional, don't interfere with anyone else's healing process! Let them heal. In the meantime, get your own healing. There's nothing better than two healthy people entering a union together. Unfortunately, that's a rare find in today's society. Mental health is usually not a requirement since the desperation of having a partner seems to overshadow the character/personality of the potential mate. But think about it: a relationship between two people is like two oxen yoked together. As long as they are both walking, neither gets his neck broken, but if one sits down...SNAP! Once one neck is broken, it will only be a matter of time before the other one snaps. Even if you decide to stay after the neck is broken, the injured partner will become more of a hinderance than a help no matter how long you stay and no matter how many bandages you use to try to cover it up. Remember this: a broken neck is not the same as an injured neck. Everyone gets knocked down once in a while, but someone who has a problem that holds or weighs you down is not worth his/her weight in gold. RUN while your legs will still move!
Folks, stop hiding your issues in your closets and/or breaking the necks of unsuspecting partners who want to be equally yoked with you. An uneven yoke WILL break a neck and junking up your closets won't make you clean. Guess what: if your visitor is clean, he/she will be able to tell whether or not you are nasty. (The proof usually shows up on the walls! People with nasty closets rarely wash walls.) Throwing everything you don't want others to see into your closet won't make you clean; you'll just be hiding the obvious dirt--fooling yourself more than anyone else. If you're not clean, others can see it unless they are unclean themselves. So clean up; stop being so nasty. Everything hidden is going to be revealed at some point anyway, and the revelation of it is never easy. It can be downright embarrassing. Save yourself the shame. Be smart; be healthy. If there's nothing hidden, there's nothing to be revealed. Don't come clean; be clean! Between relationships, clean yourself up before you move on to the next one. Empty your closet so there will be no surprises or unnecessary drama. Give yourself the opportunity to find exactly what you're looking for: joy, peace of mind, and love in your new situation, and if you're not looking for these things you need to leave relationships alone. No one wants to be responsible for cleaning up YOUR mess or the mess another person made, and if you force him/her to do so, it won't be an enjoyable experience for anyone involved. Go to rehab. Clean out your mental closet so you can stop lying about how nasty you really are! Try it. You'll see that the whole experience of clean will truly be worth your weight in gold and that the cleanliness of the other person will certainly have been worth waiting for.
We all know what to do when visitors come unexpected or at a time when we've not had time to clean house: hide it all in the closet! Then after they leave, we take everything back out and put it away as the guilt of not having it in it's proper place sets in. You know what we say to ourselves: I've got to get better about keeping this place clean. The next time they come, I'll be ready. Some of us are good at keeping our places clean, but others of us don't have the time or are just lazy! It doesn't matter which; no one here is judging you, but we do need to discuss some things.
Do you ever think about the things you shove into your mental closet? Do you ever take the time to clean it out? Probably not. Most of us wait for someone else to do that. Relationship partners, friends, coworkers and the like are given closet cleaning duty all the time--usually completely unaware of that being expected of them. Mates are expected to make all of our pain go away. After all, that is their job, right? Wrong! Most of them come with just as much baggage as you have. Females: most of us are bag ladies. We carry around way too much stuff and expect new relationships to make it all go away. Gents: you want to go into the closet, thinking you can fix things, but what's in there needs to be thrown out, not fixed. If your own closet were organized, you'd see that. People: Baggage plus baggage equals more baggage! If you're headed into a interpersonal relationship of any kind, look deep before you leap. How can you help me to walk if your legs are broken? How can I help you to walk if my ankles are shattered? What the heck is the point of us being together if neither of us can walk? The popular answer to those questions would be that we'd be okay standing still. Wrong! The healthy answer to that question would be that if we're both broken, we probably met in rehab. Why the heck would you get intimately involved with someone in rehab? Whether you realize it or not, rehab has a purpose! It's the place were broken people go to get help. It's the place where people go when they need professional help. If you're not a professional, don't interfere with anyone else's healing process! Let them heal. In the meantime, get your own healing. There's nothing better than two healthy people entering a union together. Unfortunately, that's a rare find in today's society. Mental health is usually not a requirement since the desperation of having a partner seems to overshadow the character/personality of the potential mate. But think about it: a relationship between two people is like two oxen yoked together. As long as they are both walking, neither gets his neck broken, but if one sits down...SNAP! Once one neck is broken, it will only be a matter of time before the other one snaps. Even if you decide to stay after the neck is broken, the injured partner will become more of a hinderance than a help no matter how long you stay and no matter how many bandages you use to try to cover it up. Remember this: a broken neck is not the same as an injured neck. Everyone gets knocked down once in a while, but someone who has a problem that holds or weighs you down is not worth his/her weight in gold. RUN while your legs will still move!
Folks, stop hiding your issues in your closets and/or breaking the necks of unsuspecting partners who want to be equally yoked with you. An uneven yoke WILL break a neck and junking up your closets won't make you clean. Guess what: if your visitor is clean, he/she will be able to tell whether or not you are nasty. (The proof usually shows up on the walls! People with nasty closets rarely wash walls.) Throwing everything you don't want others to see into your closet won't make you clean; you'll just be hiding the obvious dirt--fooling yourself more than anyone else. If you're not clean, others can see it unless they are unclean themselves. So clean up; stop being so nasty. Everything hidden is going to be revealed at some point anyway, and the revelation of it is never easy. It can be downright embarrassing. Save yourself the shame. Be smart; be healthy. If there's nothing hidden, there's nothing to be revealed. Don't come clean; be clean! Between relationships, clean yourself up before you move on to the next one. Empty your closet so there will be no surprises or unnecessary drama. Give yourself the opportunity to find exactly what you're looking for: joy, peace of mind, and love in your new situation, and if you're not looking for these things you need to leave relationships alone. No one wants to be responsible for cleaning up YOUR mess or the mess another person made, and if you force him/her to do so, it won't be an enjoyable experience for anyone involved. Go to rehab. Clean out your mental closet so you can stop lying about how nasty you really are! Try it. You'll see that the whole experience of clean will truly be worth your weight in gold and that the cleanliness of the other person will certainly have been worth waiting for.
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