"Family are those who love you; everyone else is just a relative!"
Okay, let's face it. We don't get to put in our bid for our biological families. If we did, we'd all have great ones! The reality is that with all that's going on around us, most of them suck! Sounds harsh, I know, but it's the truth. (There goes that "T" word again. You know, the one that ruffles so many, many feathers!) Pick up the newspaper. Read news headlines and other stories online. Those crazies that are killing their children, spouses, friends, coworkers and random folks are family to somebody. Think of all the stories you hear on a daily basis about the things people do. Now think about the ones you have to tell. Maybe your family members aren't killing, but somebody around you is doing some really dumb stuff. Hell, I look around me sometimes and I swear I see the Clampetts! I know, I'm dating myself again. If you aren't as old as I am, you won't know much about The Beverly Hillbillies--or maybe you ARE as old as I am and just forgot. Memory is not always that great at our age!! Back to the seriousness, though. The Clampetts were a family from the Ozarks that struck oil--"black gold"--and moved to Beverly Hills. The money didn't change who they were inside (country bumpkins), and the posh area they moved to wasn't quite ready for them, let's say. The storyline made for a very successful situation comedy, but my situation isn't always so funny. Well, depending on the way you look at it! Sometimes, all I can do is laugh. It's amazing what you'll find when you look into the personalities of some of the people you grew up with; some of the folks who came from the same loins you came from! But that's just it. Just because they came from the same loins, or are the owners of those loins, doesn't mean you are them, nor does it mean you're responsible for what they do. They seem to think you are, but you aren't. The design behind family was that you were born to a set of parents and raised to the point of being able to leave the nest. When you gained the strength to do that, you went, became fruitful, multiplied, then became the head of your own family. Somewhere in that process, you were supposed to cut the apron strings. And maybe you did, but they didn't. Either way, holding on was not part of the design! You are not responsible for what happens to Elly Mae and Jethro! If they didn't hold up their end of the bargain, that's their problem. This doesn't mean you can't care; it just means you're NOT responsible. If this seems insensitive to you, there is one of three things going on in your head: you're co-dependent (so enmeshed with your family that you can't let go and be your own person), an enabler (one who keeps the codependent relationship going by making it okay for your family members to hold on to you) or you're the Jethro or Elly Mae (get a life!).
All kidding aside, in a healthy family situation, there's love, peace, joy, unity, etc. There is a general bond of peace, and the members build each other up. If the relationship with your biological family members is not constructive, meaning that it's tearing you down, find it inside yourself to let go. If not, your spouse, children, friends, neighbors, coworkers and everyone else you come in contact with WILL be effected. If you, for example, have a spouse/significant other and children, and you demand that your immediate family traditions are the same as those of your parents/extended family("I don't know why it has to be done like this; just do it. My mom/dad/family always did it this way!"), then you are jarring the bond of peace in your immediate family. If it's a good tradition, and it doesn't seem to bother any of you, then keep it. But don't just assume your mate/children aren't bothered. Extend the courtesy of asking. Maybe your mate has some great traditions of his/her own they'd like to keep. Communication is key in a healthy family. Don't just be an extension of your parents. We live in different times. Their way of doing things is quite different from ours. If you don't believe that, ask them about cloth diapers and sterilizing bottles, or meals cooked from scratch vs. fast or microwaveable food. Or for the younger generation, ask them about portable phones, cellulars or smart phones. Oh, here's one. Ask them how they enjoy the automatic/time delayed headlights in their new car. If they don't know what you're talking about, tell them it's time for a new car!!!
Seriously, biology and bloodline don't make family; love does. FAMILY members love each other. That means they deal with each other in truth, intelligence and integrity. If you're in a situation where you're trying to make your mom love you, your dad love you, your brothers/sisters respect your feelings to no avail, then it's time to shake these RELATIVES loose. You shouldn't have to do that, and for Heaven sakes, don't try to secure that "love" by buying/paying for things you can't afford, or doing things for them that you know you shouldn't be doing! That will only cause them to take advantage of you. That's what relatives do. Please understand this: no matter what you do, you can't make another person love you, family member or not. And please, don't fault yourself if they don't. The ability to love has to already exist on the inside of them. Look at the background/history of that person. Maybe it's not you they don't love. Maybe you remind them of someone they haven't or can't forgive. That's not your fault, but you can make it your problem if you are trying to be for this person what you can never be. Use that energy to be the best you you can be. Somebody, not excluding yourself, is going to love that. Hint: It will be someone capable of recognizing lovable qualities.
Last thought on this issue: Family members can share lots of things as they get older and become extended. Just not personal problems. If it's a personal problem, it's not necessarily a family issue--especially if the person with the problem is a willing participant in the situation. When the personal problems of the individual become family problems, the bond of peace and unity will be breached. Don't let a relative take you hostage with his situation. If there's a problem, and you want to help, stay distanced enough to help. If you're too close (all up in the business), you'll end up enabling and making the situation worse. In other words, if your family member is on a railroad track wanting to get hit by a train, stay off of the track and offer help. If you get on the track, you're both going to get hit. Love yourself and your family enough to stay off everyone else's suicide mission. Know this: if you get hit, YOUR children are going to have to bury you.
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