What Do You Do When...

"Just STOP!"


The thing about being a counselor by trade is that once people find out what you do for a living, or in my case did for a living, the "what-do-you-do-when" questions start pouring in.  And they never stop.  My answer to the question is usually, "stop doing what doesn't work; just stop!"  Most will answer, "well, I can't just stop; I've tried and tried, but I just can't stop."  Sure you can.  You may not be able to stop on a dime, but you CAN just stop if you really want to.  What I discovered years ago is that the reason most people can't stop is because they really don't want to.  What they really want is what they want to happen to "just happen."  It's a form of selfishness that most people don't recognize as selfishness.  The desire for what you want is really all about you.  It's your way of fixing what's broken on the inside of you.  When you ask someone into a love situation, for example, you're asking them to help you to heal.  That's what love is all about.

Here's an example.  The other day, a woman asked me, "what do you do when you love a man who is in love with someone else?"
I said, "stop."
"What do you mean 'stop'? You can't help loving who you love."
I said, "no, you can't--if it's really love."

Most would agree with her, but that's because most don't understand what love really is.  Love is not lust, deep seated like, infatuation, obsession, a cure for your loneliness, or any of those things that make you want to be with a person all of the time.  Love is connection.  That means he can't get her out of his head and she can't get him off her mind.  It means she feels when he's down, and something just tells him to call her when she really needs him most.  When it's really love, she feels what he feels as he dreams about her.  It's a connection that changes two people in ways one could never imagine, but the change matures them and puts them in a better mental, spiritual, and emotional position than they were before.  It isn't neediness, a cure for financial distress, a guaranteed Valentine's Day date, default sexual pleasure, good sexual pleasure, or the stupidity that causes you to puppy dog after someone who treats you as the animal you're behaving as!  It's a connection that causes the two of you to grow up.  His heart gets what it needs through experiences with her, and her heart gets what it needs from experiencing him.  If he's connected to someone else, and you can't let go, love is not your problem; it's probably you not loving yourself (and that would be an esteem issue).  Chances are, if it's one sided, it's going to take an act of God to release you unless you make the mature decision to accept the fact that it's not love and move on, rather than wait for him, secretly hoping he'll someday realize how much you love or will do for him.  JUST STOP!  Put an end to it.  Take the time you'd spend pining for him and evaluate yourself!  How much of yourself have you given to this other person?  Is there any of you left?  Save some of you for you.  You're going to need you as you move about in your daily routine--with or without him!

Once again you say, "you can't just stop!" Probably not in a day or two, and not painlessly, but gradually, and that only happens when you face the truth about your situation and, verbally if you have to, tell yourself to stop.  Don't entertain the pain of "what if" or "if only" on any level.  Know your limits.  Don't entertain the agony by prolonging the situation with daydreams and fantasies about what could be or what could have been.  Immediately upon finding out that you can't have what you desire, take steps to move away from it by eliminating the glamorized thoughts about it in your mind.  The more you go toward it, the harder it will be to finally let it go.  Quit while you're ahead.

A final thought: the problem with most people is that they tend to give control of their emotions to someone else.  "I like the way he makes me feel", the woman above said to me.  A more accurate description of what she was saying would have been, "I like the way I feel when I'm around him."  Then my question would have been, "do you like what happens inside of you when he's not around?  Is the high worth the crash and burn?" "I'm not strong like you," she said.  I said, "I wasn't born this strong.  Trust and believe, it took practice."  And it does.  Nothing is strong without first being tested.  We all have our tests and trials.  Strength is what you get when you pass; weakness is what remains when you fail.  Be able to control your emotions.  Don't give that privilege to anyone else because he/she may not be as kind or as careful with your heart as you'll need them to be.  Remember: your heart is yours until you give it away.  Be careful who you give it to.  If you hold on to it until you meet the one it was made for, you'll have some say over what happens to it.  So STOP giving it over to the wrong people/situations, and guard it as if it were your most prized possession.