Good Grief

"If your loss is truly a loss, you had nothing to gain.  If you gained something  from what you lost, you had nothing to lose."


Have you ever lost anything of any real value to you?  How about a loved one through the loss of a relationship or death?  What do you remember about the experience?  How do you remember that person?  These are some loaded questions, especially for those who gained nothing from their loss.  Over the last few years, I have been really close to some real tragedy: death, divorce, separation from family--cutting off and being cut off, mental illness, ALS, addiction and stupidity.  [Okay, stupidity may not count to you, but I think it should be listed in the DSM (the encyclopedia of mental illness, disturbance and disorder that the psychiatric professionals use to diagnose patients), cuz it's a REAL issue for far too many folks.  But that's another blog.  We'll get to that one at a later date.  I promise!] I have seen these diseases and situations build as well as tear down, and the difference between loss and gain is perspective.  How do you see your situation?  Do you allow it to tear you down or do you learn from it and become stronger?  Let's look at loss and focus on gain for a change.

You can go through a loss and accept what you cannot change.  If you do this, you will have gained from your loss because it will leave you mentally and emotionally stronger.  The problem with loss is that most people don't understand the healthy process of grief.  Years ago, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a legend in the study of near death experiences and bereavement, defined the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), and did a great job of it.  Acceptance is the goal in any loss, and if you reach it, you will be able to move on with your life without the rest of it being molded around the loss.  On the other hand, if you never accept the loss, you will grieve it for the rest of your life and everything you do will be stained by it.  If everything is stained, you will never see any gain, and YOUR life will have truly ended with that loss.  Sometimes the pain overshadows the gain.


Well, how could one possibly gain from a loss, you ask?  In a death situation, think of how you benefitted from knowing that person.  What was his or her legacy?  What things leave you with a positive memory of him/her?  Don't let him/her die in vain.  If the person was a positive person, would he/she want you grieving for the rest of your life?  If the person died of an illness, would he/she want you to remember the illness and suffering or him/her as a person?  Was there a project or a cause that he/she believed in?  Don't let the cause die with him/her.  Take on the cause as a tribute--of course, only if you, too, believe in it.  Carry on!  If you do, that will be a gain.  If the person was someone who made you and others laugh, continue to laugh; that's what he/she would want.  How do you gain from that?  Laughter is truly the best medicine in any situation.  Gain the power of laughter.  When someone else wants to wallow in the sorrow, bring up something the loved one liked or did that was funny.  I guarantee you, someone is going to walk away from that remembering the positivity the loved one contributed to the lives of others--not as the shameful loss of a good person, but rather as a benefit of having known him/her.  

In a divorce or break-up, take from the relationship that which made you stronger, happier, more positive, etc.  Take from it that which made YOU a better person, and use that to shine in other situations.  If there was nothing that made you better, learn that you need to stay away from relationships like that!!  Take that which made you better, and LEAVE that which weakens you and makes you fiend for that particular relationship.  Let the negative walk out with the mate.  And, for God sakes, stop taking every break-up so damn personally!  Yes, it hurts like hell at times, but that doesn't mean you could have (or even should have) done anything to prevent the break-up from happening.  Sometimes people split up because they are just too different to stay together!  Separation from another person doesn't mean you're all messed up.  Maybe you needed to go.  Maybe your now ex-partner needed something you didn't know he/she needed; it wasn't YOUR responsibility to give it to them (as you can tell, I'm real tired of hearing people blame themselves when someone else walks away; real tired.  Stuff happens to all of us that we have no control of or responsibility for.) Maybe YOU couldn't grow with that person in your life, so GOD HIMSELF removed the obstacle out of your way because He knew YOU would have never done it on your own.  Maybe HE wanted to see you live, but YOU kept giving up your life in a dead situation that would have ultimately annihilated you spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically in the end.  After grieving a break-up, if grief is necessary, take back your life and learn to live it again.  Trust me, I've been through several, and I am truly a happy camper!  Sometimes, too happy!!  The first few break-ups helped me to understand that sometimes I choose the wrong people, and other times I'm wrong for those who choose me, but regardless of the situation, no break-up is designed to end my life.

PERSPECTIVE is what separates gain from loss, loss from gain.  How do you choose to see the loss?  But remember: perspective absolutely has to be founded on truth!  You can't just believe what you want to believe, or tell yourself whatever you have to tell yourself to get through because that would be a lie.  Truth is what sets you free from all things that get you tied up.  You will NEVER gain from perspective built on a lie or glamorization, so keep it real.  Don't let pain rob you of your gain.  Take your gain and build life, love and legacy from it.