"I stand before you wishing you could see me, but you can't. The things about me I wish didn't matter to you are the things you talk about all day long. But I'll take it; if it weren't for them, you wouldn't notice me at all."
How well do the people closest to you really know you? How well do you know the people closest to you? Probably not well at all if you've known them for a while. Because life is moving so fast for most of us, we don't take the time to interest ourselves in the things about each other that really matter. Like character. Ask about someone and you're more likely to get a physical description, a make and model of the car he/she drives, his/her financial situation, his love life, successes and failures, and, depending on where you live, his/her family history, where his mama works, who his people are, who her man was, every surgery he had and the ones he should have had, what he eats and why he shouldn't eat those things and what his doctor told him. Ya'll know what I'm talking about! But when something happens that the gossip mill didn't run--good or bad, everyone is shocked. Or seems to be. Why? Because in our quest to be in the know about everyone else, we look for all the wrong things. When we get to know a person, we tend to look for all the stuff that we think is going to matter to someone else. (Ya'll know I've got some Southern roots! I'm telling on myself!)
So I have to ask you this question: If the person closest to you is reaching out and wants you to know something deep about him/her, would he be able to tell you? Is your mate trying to tell you something that you don't want to hear? Maybe he wants to quit his job and doesn't care about the economy or that he makes a sizable salary. (Ooh, I know some necks are rolling on that one!) Maybe there's something burning on the inside of your wife that she's been wanting to tell you for a long time, but can't because the reputation you've built for her with your family and friends won't support it. Maybe there's something eating you up inside that you want to get off your chest, but there's no one you can tell. What do you do in that situation? Maybe that one confession or that bit of information that makes you happy will change your entire life for the better if you just tell it. But, unfortunately, most of us will hold it in. Few of us take the risk and find somewhere to release it. All of us who hold it in will end up with minds so fragmented that we'll feel we're leading a double life, and it's because we are. At least until we let go of it and begin to live out our truth.
Now get your mind out of the gutter. This thing doesn't have to be negative, and most of the time it isn't. If you have a foot fetish, you like to eat green eggs and ham, or you secretly desire to wear your wife's lingerie, you might want to hold that in and get professional help. That's not information you want flying around! If you're gay, you really need to tell that! That's not information you need to be holding in because most of us know that about you anyway. The only one you're lying to is yourself. I'm not talking about stuff like that. I"m talking about healthy stuff like interests and hobbies, fantasies and dreams, new discoveries, risks you'd like to take, etc. I'm talking about the things that take you to the next level like ideas you'd like to explore that Ray-Ray and Jim Bob might think are crazy. Joquakatima and Bonequeshia don't understand these things because they are beyond their scope. (I think Tyler Perry's new movie, Good Deeds, is going to be about this, so go and see it.) So many of us are held back because we don't take the time to be who we are for fear of being left alone by those who need us to be who they've made us. Oh, you need to read that line again! I'm going to pause while you take the time to do that, ...
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...okay. Did you get that? How many of us are not true to ourselves because our parents, mates, relatives and friends, church members, neighbors and other folks have made us something that works for them, and we feel we can't let them down by changing or growing, and no longer meeting their expectations? Who's man are you? Who's woman are you? Who do you belong to? If you could be what you truly desire, what changes would have to be made in your life?
Inevitable changes include your current support group. Your friends and family may not be amenable to the change. It may be too much for them. I remember leaving my job with the school district to pursue a writing career. My family about flipped and the rumor mill started going--fast. But what they couldn't hear was that I wasn't happy doing what I was doing anymore. On my job, I felt like a lion in a canary cage and it was eating me up inside. My boss was an absolute idiot to me and I resented having to work for her. I began to withdraw and the depression started setting in. On the weekends when my ex would pick up the kids, I'd go home on Friday afternoons, climb in bed and stay there until Sunday, getting up only to eat and to use the bathroom when I absolutely had to. I'd really like to put "shower" in there, too, but I have to honestly admit that on some weekends, the butt didn't get washed until it was time to pick up the kids! That's what depression will do to you. I fought depression because I was someone else's woman; not my own. I knew inside that I was capable of doing and being much more than what was acceptable to those closest to me. My mom was comfortable with me working for the school district. It was a good job that paid well, and it made her feel like she'd done a good job of raising me. Bless her heart, she never really knew me. She knew who she wanted me to be. Just before she passed, I was able to show her the official cover of my first book, as well as the galley. I had been showing her written manuscripts for years, but she couldn't get past the fact that I had left the safety and security of a job she could understand. Her eyes lit up when she saw the official copy of the cover, but she passed two months before the book went into print.
If I had stayed where she wanted me to be, I'd be still working in a position that I wanted to get out of ten years ago. I can't imagine how messed up I would be inside if I had stayed there another decade. I took the risk and never looked back, but it wasn't easy. To the chagrin and shame of my family (and all of the chuckles, mockery and ridicule), I did the unthinkable. No one understood it but me, but I was 100% sure that I needed to do what I did. If my mother were alive today, she'd be proud, but our relationship would be strained. I don't think I would have ever gotten over the fact that my dreams were not supported by her in the way I thought they should have been. But I had to forgive her that debt because I realize that my dream made sense to me, not her, and I can't charge her for that. It wasn't that she didn't support my dreams; it was that she couldn't! What I wanted to do made no sense to her. From education to entertainment is a big jump; one that wouldn't make sense to many! Know that the bigger the dream, the crazier it's going to look to those around you. Yes, it was crazy, but if I hadn't been true to myself, then woke up and realized I'd wasted ten precious years, I would be crazy! I would be mad at the world because I would know inside what I knew years before--that there was something greater out there for me. But even then, I wouldn't have been able to charge that to my mother or anyone else for that matter! My dreams were MY responsibility; not hers or anyone else's.
I'm glad I don't have to lead a double life anymore. I'm free to be me. Yes, my social circle and support system changed drastically, but I could have never been the lioness I am now by holding on to the people who were more comfortable with me in the canary cage. Hear me roar!!!(That's my way of saying...well...maybe I shouldn't...dah, well..."How ya like me now?")
Get rid of your cover. Take the risk. Be bigger than what they understand you to be. It is only then that you will be able to be your own person, living a full life and finding what ALL others are searching for...L-OV-E, J-O-Y, P-E-A-C-E, M-O-R-E L-O-V-E, H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S, etc.
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